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 Posted: Fri Jun 17, 2011 12:51 am
Some questions from my partner re possibly opening up to polyamory that I'm not sure how to answer yet:
If he's my primary, how do we differentiate between our relationship and other relationships if there's love and physical intimacy involved in all of them? (E.g. beyond living-together, what would differentiate our relationship from a relationship with my bestie?)
How do you guys differentiate between relationships, guildfolks?
What happens if I want (or he wants) partners to be equal in the long run?
What happens in a poly relationship if one of the relationships breaks up?
Thanks! (And sorry for the double-post--these are in my "diary" thread too. Just thought Qs had better go here.)
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:16 am
I view my relationships like plants in a garden. Each love "plant" is started as a seed and grows and blossoms. Each needing their own "pruning" and "tending".
My husband is my mature rose bush, blooming with deep red blossoms. It is pretty well off, and needs a little tending and pruning but nothing too unmanageable. This relationship comes first. He is my husband, I am legally bound to him now.
My relationship with Riri is an apple tree with its first fruiting. Not as old or as mature as my rose bush, but very promising and healthy. Riri and I have both agreed our relationship is second to our spouses. Given the basic harmony of the household we are pretty well off.
My third relationship is a little seedling of a plant undetermined yet with M. M is romantic interest and my newest relationship. He knows he is "last" in the pecking order.
I am strange, I think in pictures a lot... sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:15 pm
To me the feelings make the difference between a friend and a partner. I can love my friends as friends, but I love my partners as partners. I even have had a few FWBs in the past, but it still is different than a partner. Not to mention I find there is an added level of commitment there when I have a partner. They get a voice in any major decisions I make in my life, they need to consent to any other potential partners from there on in. I am willing to go a little bit of an extra mile for my partners, further than I would for even my closest friends. As for how to differentiate between a primary partner and secondary partners.. that is level of priority and commitment (including how much time is "owed" to each relationship and how much work is required/we are willing to do to keep it functioning). However, for us this isn't so much an issue. For us the hierarchy is more of a temporary phase in a relationship rather than a permanent feature. I wouldn't put a relationship with a person I just started dating above my relationship with Graverg, but once things progress to a point of seriousness then the difference between the priority and commitment lessen. It's honestly our goal to have relationships which are equal in priority and commitment in the end. If that's what you (or any of your partners) want then that needs to be expressed now and it should be talked about periodically when you all touch bases on your relationship.
What happens when there is a breakup? That depends a lot on the people involved, the structure of the relationship and the reason for the break up. Ideally, the relationship would cease but all other relationships would remain untouched (this includes any friendship among metamours) but this isn't always the case. It gets tricky when you look at individuals and their different relationships not to mention the situation and reason for the break up.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:06 pm
I'm the kinda person who doesn't normally buy into the whole "primary" thing... I can have multiple "primaries", it's just a matter of them making it to that level. relationships of all kinds need to grow and be nurtured. it involves trust and care on both ends between any given two people. and this is true whether for Polies or Monos; it's all a matter of the bonds between any given two people, even if those people are bonded to yet other people.
to me, Love and Friendship are synonymous with eachother; you must first be a good Friend before you can be a good Mate, Parent or any other loving relationship with someone. but that can still be different from being in love with someone.
oh yes, you still have to be a Friend first; but not everyone you are friends with is a Mate or Lover. also, all relationships of any kind take time and effort to develop. they are investments, essentially. so, you can have a relationship with one person and it will become very important to you. if someone new comes along they start off lower down; after all, they are new and you and them havn't invested as much in eachother yet. the first partner has seniority advantage, but over time the newer partner can catch up.
currently for me, my Mistress is also the person I am most in love with. at most, anyone I get involved with can only ever hope to be equal in my heart at most to her, and even that won't be right away. it sounds cruel to some extend, I notice... I always feel as though they will be offended by that and not want to be with me... but it's just the way it is.
Love is what it is; you can't realy control who you fall in love with or how you feel about someone. it has to simply be acknowledged. it isn't fair, never was and never will be. but it is what it is, and all parties must still take responsibility for it, no matter what the mess or how unfair it is.
I would never classify a pecking order for love or partners. leastways I wouldn't assign a single slot of each rank and/or love them all at different amounts... how I feel about anyone is natural, and I can't control it. and it's the only organization of them that I need.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:51 pm
For some of it it's priorities- making sure Annette is ok is my main concern. Some of it is also space- even though Rosie, Chryos, Annette and I live together- Annette and I sleep in one bed and Chryos and Rosie in another.
Then you take away the limits and priority system and make really sure you have open lines of communication.
As for one relationship breaking up- you can't really make plans or rules for that. "No plan survives contact with the enemy" or in this case- the breakup.
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Posted: Sun Jan 22, 2012 11:30 pm
How far I have come in six months (well, eight or nine)!
I ditched the whole primaries concept, and things are pretty equal between my two partners. The only significant difference is that I live with one and not the other, so I tend to spend weekend's at W's house. Everyone's pretty happy so far!
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