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 Posted: Sat May 28, 2011 11:45 pm
i feel i have lost the ability to be intimate with another human being, despite an intense longing to be with somebody. i have grown resentful of women in recent weeks for lack of interest, and a lack of willingness to reject me even. I just keep getting the cold shoulder. i try to not come on too strong and i respect others relationships, but I'm obviously doing something wrong.
im random and i like to break the ice with strangers but it's getting weird. people in my home town are going out of their way to not even talk to me. maybe it's because my friend of years decided that i raped him because we had drunken sex when we were 14 and he can't cope with the fact he had sex with another man. now he''s telling everyone in our quite large circle of friends that i did rape him by getting him drunk and taking advantage of him when it was a decision by both of us, if he had said stop at any point i would have plus i was the one taking it not giving it. he was in the dominate position, not me!
this is ruining my reputation in my city and hurting my dating ability and my recent interest in polyamorous relationships. i'm going nuts and i dont want to stop being a good person and capable lover of which i know i am. heart sweatdrop
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Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 12:16 am
When there isn't a way to have consent- a person can feel victimized no matter what the intentions of the other partner were. Sex under the influence when it hasn't been prearranged always runs this risk.
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Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 6:37 am
*thread transferred to the Member thread area*
It sounds to me that you are still working on figuring out who you really are, Hourglass.
Simply tell the truth to your friends, but people will believe what they will believe, you can't change that. You are still young, and I'm sure your city is reasonably large...rumors come and go...many are false, especially among the younger crowd. It should fade over time. There are some legal options I think, but my memory of that class are more than a little hazy, as they were over ten years ago.
On a side note, you may be interested in the "Soapbox" in our main forum, Hourglass. I took a peek at your post history. That thread is a good place to drop random rants, and occasionally guild members will respond
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Posted: Mon May 30, 2011 9:37 am
Both Esris and Saew are completely correct.
As Saew says, you can only tell your side of the story and explain what you saw going on at the time. There isn't much you can do if people don't decide to take your side though- these things are complicated and not that easy. Rumours fade away eventually and it's likely you're not going to be in this position forever. You'll move cities or change groups of acquaintances, meet new people and rumours will have less weight over time.
But just because the rumour will fade and you may move on, don't take things as completely alright. There is always a risk of someone feeling victimized when you become intoxicated and decide to have sex. There are many possibilities of what happened and what could have happened from his perspective. Just because he played the 'dominant' role doesn't mean he felt in control, as though he could stop or like he had a way out. Just because you didn't physically force him to have sex doesn't mean he didn't feel like it was forced. He may not be lying when he says he feels like he was raped. It may not be just that he "can't cope with the fact he had sex with another man", he may genuinely believe he was taken advantage of and raped. You can't simply invalidate his feelings based on your own assumption of them. It's a difficult situation and is best avoided by not having sex (or performing other sexual activities) under the influence.
Learn from the experience, that's all you can really do at this point.
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Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 4:15 pm
Esiris When there isn't a way to have consent- a person can feel victimized no matter what the intentions of the other partner were. Sex under the influence when it hasn't been prearranged always runs this risk. this is true. it was a mutual thing when it happened i didn't even plan that it would happen. it just did, should i feel bad for a drunken mistake made by two friends
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Posted: Wed Jun 01, 2011 7:30 pm
Sandmans Hourglass this is true. it was a mutual thing when it happened i didn't even plan that it would happen. it just did, should i feel bad for a drunken mistake made by two friends If there's no ability to consent- ie, being drunk etc, then it isn't always a "mutual thing". The only safe way around that is if it's someone's kink and it's discussed ahead of time- but that wouldn't apply to 14 year olds. It was a horrible judgment call- one that could leave him feeling victimized for the rest of his life. And yea- I think feeling of empathy for what he's going through and the effect you had on his life isn't out of line and that maybe you both could use some help coping with it from someone who is trained to handle that kind of stuff and facilitate healing.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:15 pm
Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, but it's so nice to read that folks here are generally so clued up on consent/non-consent/sex-under-the-influence. Thank goodness; safe space.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:26 pm
Fizzlesticks Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, but it's so nice to read that folks here are generally so clued up on consent/non-consent/sex-under-the-influence. Thank goodness; safe space. More than one of us around here is kinky- and I think the Kink community has contributed to the consent and safety discussion a lot. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:29 pm
Esiris Fizzlesticks Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, but it's so nice to read that folks here are generally so clued up on consent/non-consent/sex-under-the-influence. Thank goodness; safe space. More than one of us around here is kinky- and I think the Kink community has contributed to the consent and safety discussion a lot. 3nodding Bless you, kinksters. Blinksters. <3 (That a sharehouse/Britcom injoke that was probably totally lost here. Sorry.)
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:31 pm
Fizzlesticks Esiris Fizzlesticks Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, but it's so nice to read that folks here are generally so clued up on consent/non-consent/sex-under-the-influence. Thank goodness; safe space. More than one of us around here is kinky- and I think the Kink community has contributed to the consent and safety discussion a lot. 3nodding Bless you, kinksters. Blinksters. <3 (That a sharehouse/Britcom injoke that was probably totally lost here. Sorry.) Annette's British- I'll share the post later.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:34 pm
Esiris Fizzlesticks Esiris Fizzlesticks Sorry for the slightly off-topic post, but it's so nice to read that folks here are generally so clued up on consent/non-consent/sex-under-the-influence. Thank goodness; safe space. More than one of us around here is kinky- and I think the Kink community has contributed to the consent and safety discussion a lot. 3nodding Bless you, kinksters. Blinksters. <3 (That a sharehouse/Britcom injoke that was probably totally lost here. Sorry.) Annette's British- I'll share the post later.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:35 pm
Annette just made fun of me. crying
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:38 pm
Esiris Annette just made fun of me. crying Ohh. sad Why?
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:39 pm
Because of how long Annette has been with me- and I still don't get Britishness.
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Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2011 7:40 pm
Esiris Because of how long Annette has been with me- and I still don't get Britishness. Teehee. razz
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