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Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:12 pm
So C's girlfriend dumped him. This stuff happens- and things would have been ok. We're a household and before she was his girlfriend she was a "Household Friend". The problem is how she did it- via a text message. This has made the whole house pretty rage-facey, with the possible exception of C. (Relationship Diagram- M. - G. - Riri - BR. - C. | A. ) Because our house is the default "hang out" for her after school but before the trip home- she's feeling a little awkward, and for good reason, because how you treat someone you care about who has never been anything but wonderful to you says a lot. Most of us want to have a "Coming to Jesus Talk" with her. So far she's avoided us. I don't know how long she'll keep it up- and none of us hate her, but it seems to me the longer this drags on, the less likely we are to be in a good mood about it when it does happen. I know how I'll be handling this- but if you found yourself in a situation like this- what would you do? What would you expect of the Ex?
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Posted: Fri Apr 08, 2011 11:42 pm
To add to this C's ex, is also one of my few childhood friends I still talk to. I am... at a loss how to handle this. I am angry at what she did, but I still have literally a decade of friendship with her that I would rather not throw away. C is doing okay, as far as I know. Disappointed, so I am not in total rage-face mode, but I am not happy that is for certain. But....ya. Blah.
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 4:24 pm
I would suggest putting to C that you *NEED* to sit down and have a heart to heart, and that this is serious. I'd suggest making sure that C knew that while they aren't expected to stay in a relationship with someone, they are expected to have a certain level of ... respect? I guess you could say, when it comes to how relationships are treated. Breaking up through text message is not respectful.
As for avoiding the issue, if C isn't willing to talk, then really, it's C that's throwing the friendship away. You can't force C to talk, but I would definately suggest making sure C knows that you're upset and that you need to clear the air before you two can go forward with being friends. From there, what happens is up to C, if they talk, awesome, if not, I'm sorry. sad
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 7:36 pm
sweatdrop C's the one that got dumped- C was dumped by K. sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Apr 09, 2011 8:18 pm
Gah! >.> I blame missing my boy for my inattention. I'm sorry! lol Either way though, it really sounds like you guys need to sit down and talk things out, even if C's the one that got dumped, avoiding the issue isn't going to help anything. sad
Edit: Ok, now that I've got a clear thinking moment, it sounded to me like you feel you want/need to talk to C, and C is not looking to talk to anyone about what happened. That's the part that I mean when I say avoiding the issue isn't going to help.
If this were my situation, one of my boys had a girlfriend, and she broke up with him by text, even if that girlfriend wasn't someone that I'd known for a long time, I'd still want to sit down with that person and find out what happened. Espicially if it was done over text. I'm pretty big on face to face, open, honest communication. I'd want to sit down with my boy too, make sure that they're ok, and be there for them.
So that's why I'd suggest talking to C about it. smile
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 2:21 pm
This is... a difficult situation. Honestly, if this were a monogamous scenario I would say as housemates and friends it isn't really up to you to confront K (especially not all at once group talk kind of thing). After all K's relationship with C would be no one else's business really- regardless of how close people are with C and how upset he is. I'm inclined to treat it the same way regardless of the relationship being poly though- after all K's relation to C really isn't K's relation to anyone else- as intertwined as they can be... they're still separate relations.
I'm not entirely sure what a "Coming to Jesus" talk is, but it *sounds* sort of like an intervention type talk, group of people confronting one individual about a problem. Which, in this situation I think is inappropriate.
I can understand being hurt and frustrated when someone you care about is disrespected and hurt but... it's really their issue and not so much yours. If C wants to know why K dumped him in that manner, or wants to talk to her about what happened then C should. But no one else should attack K for what she did. If C's not rage-facey then that's really the important factor of what transpired between the two of them.
Perhaps individually you can try to talk to her, not all at once, but bring it up more as a concern than any kind of attack or confrontation. You know talk to her and ask why she did it that way- there could be factors going on that you don't see and she may have had a perfectly good explanation for it. Or maybe it was as simple as she was unable to cope with the situation and the only way out was the way she took. Not a great scenario, but I honestly think breaking up over text it better than either living a lie or just distancing yourself from your partner until either they break up with you or you just are distant enough to disappear.
Then again, if you just don't want to be friends with someone on moral grounds- you do not approve of their actions (regardless of whether or not those actions involved you) so much that you cannot be around them- then you need not be friends with that person and sometimes trying to be friends will only cause things to spiral downward. If the *entire* house doesn't want to be her friend anymore and/or doesn't want to hang around her anymore then someone should be the one to tell her she's no longer welcome in the home and give an explanation as to why.
So for me, I'd stay out of it entirely. This is an issue between K and C. I would comfort C and be supportive of him, but I wouldn't confront K. At *most* I'd ask for an explanation to try to understand what happened from her point of view- but really, she wanted out of the relationship, she ended the relationship. It sucks, no matter how it's done, but there isn't really much to be done about it now anyway. I wouldn't be rage-facey at all, to be honest. Partly because it's not *really* my concern and partly because I don't find anything wrong with the break up.
Then again, I don't find breaking up over text to be *that* big of a deal and that much of a disrespectful move. Probably because I've been in a few LDRs where typing was our primary mode of communication (as I didn't have consistent access to microphone or webcam at the time) or because I have been dumped by the person just distancing themselves and/or then disappearing without a word (went to different schools in the latter case, guy dumped me without ever telling *me* that essentially). So all in all I don't really find text break-ups to be a big deal as people make them out to be and I honestly don't have any moral qualms about it what so ever.
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Posted: Sun Apr 10, 2011 4:35 pm
Our house is very much a All for One and One for All kind of place- which shapes the relationship dynamics. Like when G first moved here- and they were looking for another partner, we knew "something was up" when the people they were dating weren't being brought home.
Not all poly relationships have this kind of dynamic and I respect that- but most of us here built our dream Home Life and this is what it looks like.
Any confrontation that would go down would be more an explanation of boundaries- there's been talk by others in the house that K didn't really respect our household dynamic, or at least there's a sense of presumption and a lack of consideration.
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 8:48 am
I can understand and respect your particular household dynamic. I'd still caution having a group confront her about things though. Having a whole group of people come at you and no one there to help you out can be a very frustrating and hurtful thing- it could lead her to be more defensive (or aggressive) and things may not go very well. Perhaps have one person of the household try to talk to her instead, if you're the 'all for one, one for all' kind of household then one of you should be able to have a one-on-one talk with K for the rest of the group, yes? If that's the route you go then certainly have a family/household discussion on it first, but I'd suggest letting one of you try to talk to her about it instead of confronting her as an entire group. It may help things go a little smoother and cut down on any potential defensiveness (though there still could be some either way, it just seems a higher chance when she's cornered by the group, know what I mean?).
But it sounds from your more recent post that the point of contention with K isn't just the method she used to break off her relationship with C. It sounds like there are other underlying things and the breakup was just the catalyst. Sorry if I'm inferring too much or misunderstanding, but if there are other issues that need to be discussed that involve the household and not just C and K's relationship and break up then I think you're more justified to step in and talk to her- but I think those issues should be more focus rather than the event that was the catalyst to the situation.
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 3:00 pm
Mameoyashi I can understand and respect your particular household dynamic. I'd still caution having a group confront her about things though. Having a whole group of people come at you and no one there to help you out can be a very frustrating and hurtful thing- it could lead her to be more defensive (or aggressive) and things may not go very well. Perhaps have one person of the household try to talk to her instead, if you're the 'all for one, one for all' kind of household then one of you should be able to have a one-on-one talk with K for the rest of the group, yes? If that's the route you go then certainly have a family/household discussion on it first, but I'd suggest letting one of you try to talk to her about it instead of confronting her as an entire group. It may help things go a little smoother and cut down on any potential defensiveness (though there still could be some either way, it just seems a higher chance when she's cornered by the group, know what I mean?). But it sounds from your more recent post that the point of contention with K isn't just the method she used to break off her relationship with C. It sounds like there are other underlying things and the breakup was just the catalyst. Sorry if I'm inferring too much or misunderstanding, but if there are other issues that need to be discussed that involve the household and not just C and K's relationship and break up then I think you're more justified to step in and talk to her- but I think those issues should be more focus rather than the event that was the catalyst to the situation. Good advice and that is what C did bless his heart. He had a convo with K yesterday and discussed why texting a break up is not a good thing. K is very embarrassed, and understands her mistake. I think C expressed to me that K was not ready for a relationship of this...caliber... and thought her feelings about C had changed and they had not.
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Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 7:48 pm
Blackrose_Knight Good advice and that is what C did bless his heart. He had a convo with K yesterday and discussed why texting a break up is not a good thing. K is very embarrassed, and understands her mistake. I think C expressed to me that K was not ready for a relationship of this...caliber... and thought her feelings about C had changed and they had not. I explained myself badly- if C spoke to K, then I sure as hell didn't have to. I still think there's something hinky though.
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