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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 11:42 pm
oops, so i wrote this is the main sub-forum, and then i figured out what i was doing and realized that this would be a better place to post it. So, how does one come to know that they are poly? i've been contemplating polyamory, but i've never been in any situation in which i could try it. i would like to i think. but so far i live in the wrong area for that. i have found myself falling for more than one person. but until i found the concept of polyamory, i never knew that loving more than one person was an option. i'm not sure what questions i have here, but if i want to know weather or not i'm polyamorous, then i want to be in a polyamorous relationship. it looks attractive from here, but i know that it has it's ups and downs just like any relationship. i guess i'm... polycurious. honestly, i'm not sure weather or not i would be able to handle the jealousy factor. i think that i might be able to, but i'm not sure.
the pros include the conplete openness and honestly and the ability to express yourself to many that love you. emotionally, mentally, and physically.
but the cons include the jealousy factor. and i think that's the big one for me. what i don't know is weather or not i will be able to withstand the cons enough to be able to have the pros. but i won't know that until i have the opportunity to try.
yours truly
shishikogan
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Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:33 am
Tough question indeed... or at least for me.
I suppose one could easily apply the model used for possible GLBT persons; if one feels inclined toward living in such a way, then they might best be dubbed "poly-curious", and if someone actually adopts a Polyamorous relationship and found that it worked for them then they'd be a Polyamorist (before that stage I guess they'd still be "trying Polyamory" the same way a possible homosexual would be exploring that in relation to experiences with their own gender)
Though, it's hard for me to imagine Polyamory happening without a pre-existing relationship opening to it, or confusing relationships developing simultaneously...
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Posted: Wed Aug 12, 2009 12:42 pm
mmm. i am deffinately in the catagory of poly-curious then. my frustration, though, is that i have no way to test such a curiosity. thoughtfull discussion of it with my bf is what i got right now. which is good, and discussion of it is warming us both up to the idea, but we have no one to be poly with. mmm. o.O
yours truly
shishikogan
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Posted: Sat Aug 15, 2009 2:11 pm
That seems to be a problem with many people, they are ready to try out a polyamorous relationship and see how it goes for them but have trouble finding someone who is interested and interesting for all members involved. The question you have to ask yourself is: what exactly are you looking for? Casual dates, long-term partners, something else? Male, female? Someone for one of you to be with seperately or someone that would be involved with both of you at once (the former being a touch easier to find than the latter in the experience of a lot of people). How far are you willing to go? What are you all comfortable with? Where are you placing your boundaries? When is an acceptable amount of time before talking about them again and if necessary re-negotiating them? You have to work out all of these things before even thinking of trying to find someone.
The fact of the matter is there are probably more people around you than you think who are either already into polyamory or are at least open to trying the concept, it just comes down to a number of poly people aren't exactly 'out of the closet' just yet. For example for me: since I put on a button n my backpack that says "I <3 <3 <3 Polyamory" I've had a number of friends confess to be that they are poly or at least seeking more information about it- these people I never would have ever guessed were poly or open to the idea. So sometimes it's about taking the first step and putting yourself out there before you receive any opportunities yourself.
If you're not comfortable with outing yourself as poly-curious there is always the testing the waters method. There are a number of more mainstream articles these days to bring it up in more casual conversation like "Hey I read this article from Newsweek the other day about something called Polyamory (insert description) what do you guys think of it?"
Or there is the option of puting yourself on some dating sites which are poly-friendly (Polymatchmaker, OKCupid, ect). But you'd have to be old enough for the sites before you try (which is generally 18ish though sometimes 16, depending on the site). Who knows you may find others you know like yourself on the same sites looking for similar things!
As for the cons that you've described: yes they have the potential to cause a lot of problems, however there are a number of good resources (books, websites, ect) that deal with opening up a relationship, dealing with the jealousy issues and the feelings that are underneath the jealousy [anger, insecurity, fear ect] and I think it would be best to take full advantage of the wonderful material presented. Xeromag has a number of great articles, Opening Up by Tristan Toarmino and The Ethical Slut 2nd Ed have fanastic sections on jealousy and communication. Get down the theory and then it should be a little easier to deal with the reality (it can still be really hard, but knowing the theory behind management should at least help a little). Maybe even pick up some good books on boundaries and safe communication that aren't poly-related would help a lot as well.
In the end it's really up to you how slowly or quickly you move into it and whether or not you believe yourself to be polyamorous or not. Good luck figuring it all out, hopefully helped with at least some of your concerns. <3
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Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2009 1:01 pm
thanks. that helps a lot. i'm on polymatchmaker now, and though i'm not with anyone yet i've met a few nice people. which is always good. they've done a nice job of making me feel welcomed. ^_^
yours truly
shishikogan
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