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 Posted: Sun Jun 14, 2009 11:12 am
This is something that's been going on in my head for a while, and nobody really needs to respond. I just like typing out my issues, because it helps me to reflect on them better. And this is less like an issue, and more like... Well, I'm not exactly sure, but here goes.
There have been so many times where I've been in a relationship, and fallen for someone outside the relationship. All of these times, physical feelings had nothing to do with it, it was all emotional. I've grown up with people shoving the bible down my throat about how "Man can only be with one woman, and vice versa" by my grandparents. All of their teachings, though understandable, I suppose, have driven me crazy my whole life. Because of these teachings, however, for most of my life, I thought I was a horrible person; a sinner, in most peoples' eyes. And I didn't know anyone I could relate these feelings to without sounding like some sort of slut (at least that's what I thought.)
I managed to overcome that with my current boyfriend, whom I've been with for 9 months now. He's loved me and supported me through all of my problems, so it didn't surprise me that he's talked to me about this one. What surprised me was that I was able to talk to him about it at all.
I still can't tell what his personal views are on polyamory, but I do know that he suggested we try an open relationship. He always tells me how he would never want to be with anyone but me, but if I develop feelings for someone else, he doesn't want me to hold back, because in the end, it will just help both of us to be happier, without risking our relationship.
So far, I haven't found anyone that interests me as much as he does, so our relationship is monogamous right now. I get the feeling that if I did develop feelings for someone else at this time, they'd have to be pretty damned special. But also, since he doesn't want to bring anyone into our relationship on his end, it gives me a feeling of guilt, and it just feels wrong of me to even consider doing it on mine.
It's a little odd being with someone like him, because when I first met him, he claimed to be asexual. After a couple months, he started being attracted to me in a physical way, which confused him, and he came to the conclusion that he was demisexual, and just never knew, because he had never been in love. As I said, I don't know if he himself is polyamorous, but I know he's open to it, and is always doing anything he can to make sure both of us are happy.
I guess what I'm really wondering is if these feelings of guilt are natural, or expected from this sort of relationship, and what I can do about them. Sometimes I feel like I want an open relationship just so that the option is there, and that I don't actually want to be in it for the real reason.
I once fell for someone outside of my relationship, and since my boyfriend at the time was very monogamous, I left him for the girl I fell for, who left me shortly after, and I ended up losing both of them. Huge mistake. I sometimes feel that this is why I want an open relationship; so I don't make mistakes like that again.
I'm just confused, and in need of some opinions on the matter. sweatdrop
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Posted: Tue Jun 16, 2009 8:32 am
Kurayami.... I understand exactly where you're coming from. When I was younger (before I met Graverg especially) I has horribly guilty for feelings as you've described. I don't think I've ever been really monogamous, though I have been in monogamous relationships before and they were never good for me. I used to sit up alone at night wondering why, if I felt as though I loved Jon would I have feelings for Luc as well? Or I'd kick myself for having feelings for Kayla because I shouldn't (especially not while in a relationship with someone else). I felt horrible, I felt as though I didn't know what love was, maybe I was jut too young and dumb. And I felt horribly guilty for having feelings for someone else while in a relationship with x, because after all if I cared about them really I wouldn't need anyone else right? I mean that's what everyone says and all! The religious aspect was less of an issue for me, I was more worried about hurting those around me and getting some kind of bad reputation, but the religious concerns were there still a little on the back burner.
Thing is though... as long as everyone is okay and happy then it really shouldn't matter. I dealt a lot with the confrontation of my guilt when I started going out with Graverg. We talked about relationship philosophies long before we started dating so when we actually started dating we were nonmonogamous by design. But that didn't stop me from feeling like what I was doing was wrong, that I was hurting him if I spoke about my feelings about x y or z (which we encouraged talking about people we liked/crushed on/found attractive). The thing that helped me most through it was Graverg's continued openness and support, and that may be what would help you. Communication and keep checking in with your boyfriend (and potential other partner(s) ) about everything, being open and honest with one another and really talking about what is comfortable and what is uncomfortable to you all as far as boundries go.
As for asking if the guilt is natural.... I think that it is a very common thing (at the very least for those in North American society that I know of). Because society says that you should only love one person, and if you don't you're doing something wrong (especially women as that nasty double standard of slut vs stud still exists in some form or another). Because it seems as though 'everyone' goes for monogamy and there must be something wrong if you do not... then it's understandable to feel the pressures to conform to society's views. That goes extra for people who have greater pressures, such as your family's religious affiliation and the teachings you grew up with.
Another point I want to make before starting to wrap this up is the fact that your boyfriend seems like he would be monogamous and you polyamorous.... Relationships are not about complete equality, he doesn't have to have two partners just because you do. It's about everyone getting their needs met. The scorecard is never a good thing to keep around. It's difficult, I understand, but this is where talking and reassurance can go a long way (for both of you).
I am glad that you've come to join the guild and talk about it, because another thing that helps a lot is joining communities of other polyamorous people and talking, gaining support from those who have been there-done that or are likewise starting out like you are. There are several other larger communities on the web I suggest seeking another out if you would like more diverse opinions and help than out small guild currently provides.
Research into the subject further as far as books and websites go have also help eliviate some of my hesitation. (Opening Up, the Ethical Slut 2nd Ed have so far been a big help in my personal learning process).
I guess in the end I'll just say that you are definately not alone in your feelings, and if you ever need to talk I'll be around smile
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 1:58 pm
I know I should have gotten around to saying "thanks" earlier than this, but I figure better late than never. You have no idea how much this has helped me; I've read it countless times since you replied.
I keep wanting to talk about it, but don't know how to bring it up. He's on vacation in New York right now, so I figure I'll try to work it into conversation when he gets back.
It's really good to know that someone, anyone (even a small guild XD) is there to support me, and can understand where I'm coming from. I don't really have any friends that can relate to me on this subject, because aside from being mono, most of them have never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I'm babbling though... Once again, thank you so much.
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Posted: Thu Jul 09, 2009 3:33 pm
No thanks is necessary I enjoy helping out where I can smile I am very glad that what I said could help you out even a little.
My advice for the conversation is not to try to force something, just let it come naturally (which is hard when you're nervous I understand, but if you feel like saying something let it be said instead of worrying so much about it).
smile Good luck!
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