What is Polyamory?

[Pom Graines]

What is Polyamory?

Breaking down the word polyamory we see that poly is a greek word for 'many' and amore is a latin word for 'love'. Literally speaking polyamory means "many loves". Which, really, can mean a very broad spectrum of things so let's focus it a bit more.

When we say "polyamory" in this thread we are talking about romantic love. So when we say 'many loves' this can relate to many lovers, partners, boyfriends, girlfriends and such; not having many friends or relatives which you love.

Polyamory can be a life philosophy, though more often is explained as a relationship style.

Polyamory as a life philosophy
As a life philosophy polyamory can mean the person is capable of loving (romantically) more than one person at the same time. That is not to say that this person is always in a polyamorous relationship, indeed, there are many polyamorous people who are happily in monogamous relationships. As a life philosophy a polyamorist admits that s/he is capable of loving more than one person at the same time, but they do not have to act upon this love.

Polyamory as a relationship style
As a relationship style polyamory is a romantic relationship involving more than two people. This can take shape in many forms. There are V style relationships, where one person has two partners, there are triangle style relationships where everyone involved loves and is involved with everyone else, there are Z style relationships, hourglass style relationships , squares with Xs through them.... you name a shape there is probably a polyamorous relationship in that shape. It sounds confusing, so how about we try a diagram.

But these are only a few of the more common configurations that are possible.

IN SHORT:
Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly, and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.  

[Pom Graines]

Polyamorous Misconceptions

Polyamory is disgusting, sexist, misogynistic and is just a different way of saying 'polygamy' and subjugates women and children.

I understand where this view comes from, especially with the media these days uncovering near cult-like polygamist communities where women and children really are subjugated. Technically this is a form of polygyny (from the Greek poly many + gynos woman). This is a form of polygamy where a man can have more than one female partner/wife but women are not allowed to have more than one partner. The societies where this is practiced more often than not women are seen as property. I understand that because polyamory is having more than one partner, and polygyny involves having more than one partner (and starts with the same prefix) why polyamory is often confused with disrespect for women, subjugation and abuse.

However, that is not what polyamory really is. Polyamory is an equal playing field. In an ethical polyamorous relationship the same opportunities apply to all involved. It's not about owning or enslaving anyone, it's not about male-dominance and suppression of women. It's about sharing a part of your life, and your love, with more than one other person and allowing them to share their life and love with more than one other person.

So, polyamory is for those who like threesomes and orgies and that sort of kinky stuff?

Not exactly. Polyamory isn't like swinging. The focus is not on the sex, but on the deep relationship itself. Yes sex in involved in most healthy relationships, so yes sometimes things like threesomes and orgy-esque sex can happen in polyamorous relationships but unlike swinging and open relationships that is NOT the main point. Some relationships never actually get the threesome/orgy-esque sex, but prefer to just be one-on-one when it comes to sexual relations with their partners.

Then it's just a fancy term for cheating.

Wrong. Cheating is defined as violating rules or regulations, to practice deceit. It is not cheating if it is a polyamorous relationship, because if you are open and honest with your partner(s) and everyone agrees and consents to the relationship... you are not violating the rules or the relationship, or deceiving anyone it is not cheating. The key difference to being a polyamorous relationship rather than cheating is consent by all those involved, which is also why it is sometimes referred to as "consensual non-monogamy"

People in polyamorous relationships just can't commit.

This one I always get confused by. Commiting oneself means to pledge or engage oneself. In relationships one can be committed to uphold the relationship in the highest regard, for better or worse. To be there for your partner when s/he needs you, to be there with your partner when s/he is happy, to uphold the rules and standards of the relationship. I don't see how it can be perceived as a lack of commitment just because you are there for your other partner when s/he needs you, there when s/he is happy and still upholding the rules and standards that were agreed upon in the relationship. If you can't commit to one person, there it little reason to think you can commit to two people, but that doesn't mean if you commit to two people that you cannot commit altogether.

So, it's that one partner isn't enough for you?

That's not what we mean at all. It's not about one person not being 'enough', it's about the capacity to love more than one person. No two relationships are the same, no one person can be everything to another person. It's not about one person not being enough, but about the capability to love more than one without detracting from another. It's about wanting the person you're with to flourish and grow, to see them happy. Sometimes this means being happy with other people as well and being able to express the love they feel. It's not about one person being better than another, it's about the ability to see what's special in more than one person and express that love.

You just don't know what love is. If you truly loved someone you wouldn't need anyone else

I... can't quite agree with this at all. This idea is based on a starvation model of love. The starvation model of love is based on the idea that "you only have a limited amount of love, and if you give your love to one person, there is none left to give to anyone else--so if you fall in love with another person, you have to "pay" for it by withdrawing your love from the first person." But I don't believe in this. Through my life I've found that the more you give and share love, the more you get it, the more there is to give and thus get in return. It's not the same as a limited resource such as money. That is what I meant. The same works really with any emotion. In my experience the more bitterness and hate you display, the more you get in return, the more you feel, it's not really a limited quantity thing. (That isn't to say that you should always act on these feelings of bitterness and anger, regardless of what you feel you still have a choice on how you act.)

This being said: while love may not be finite, time certainly is. All of the love in the world can't make more hours in a day or lend a person more energy than a balanced diet and proper sleep allow, so it's a bit of a balancing act.

Polyamorous and open relationships sound good in theory, but 99% of the time they fail

Well, I would probably try to refute the 99% of the time, asking where this person got those sorts of statistics... but otherwise I'm not going to argue the point entirely.

YES polyamorous relationships fail. Things go wrong in relationships, people make mistakes, people fall out of love, circumstances change... many things can lead to polyamorous relationships breaking apart.

However the same exact thing can be said for monogamous relationships. How many times have you heard of a couple breaking up? How high are the divorce rates these days? Simply because many, monogamous relationships fail doesn't mean (the majority of) people give up on them entirely. The same mentality should be applied to polyamorous relationships, yes they fail, yes some people have bad experiences with them... but that does not mean all or most of them fail and that does not mean that it is excessively rare that one can last or that people should give up on them entirely.

It's not for everyone, but neither is monogamy.  

[Pom Graines]

Frequently Asked Questions

This section is for questions that are NOT covered inother stickies. We'll try to keep this updated with questions people have asked in the Poly 102 thread or the guild. We're also featuring a short vocabulary section with terms that may pop up from time to time in the thread.

Q. When you love multiple people at the same time, do you love them all equally much or is it possible that there are multiple degrees in how much you like them?

A. The answer, is a bit complicated, because it varies. Relationships are part of a growing process, so if you ask whether I love my boyfriend as much as I love someone I just started dating... odds are, the love probably isn't at the same level. But once the relationship is established and has been going on for awhile... yes the love is equal. But that is how I do relationships.

Some polyamorous relationships work differently, working with "primary" and "secondary" ("tertiary" ect) relationships, valuing the primary above the secondary and ect. That doesn't necessarily mean that the love is different levels though, just priority I suppose. Since I don't work on the relationship hierarchy scheme I probably can't do it justice with my explanation. (If you can explain the primary/secondary/ect relationship scheme better, please post and your answer may show up here!)

Q. When they are not polyamorous and you are, when it comes so naturally to you but not to your partner, then what do you do?

A. You talk to your partner about the situation. You'd be surprised there are many mono/poly relationships out there, one partner being polyamorous the other partner being monogamous and it works out very well. It takes a lot of communication, trust and honesty (just as with all healthy relationships!) but it can work out. Not for everyone, mind you, some people just cannot handle polyamory (or refuse to accept it) and that happens. If your partner cannot handle you being in a polyamorous you need to make a decision for yourself, if you can handle and be happy in a monogamous relationship, stay, but if you cannot...leave.

In the end it's not worth one person sacrificing their happiness for the sake of a relationship, one should not be forced into a polyamorous relationship if they are not comfortable with it, but likewise one should not be forced into a monogamous relationship if they are not comfortable with it. If there is absolutely no way you could be happy in a monogamous relationship, and absolutely no way your partner could be happy in a polyamorous relationship then you really have to re-examine the relationship. Are you really right for each other if one of you has to sacrifice a part of their happiness to force it to work?

Q. How do you broach the topic of polyamory to a monogamous partner?

A. Bringing up the topic of polyamory can be a very tricky subject to start with. I'm quite lucky myself because I've never actually had to think about how to bring it up with my current partner, because by the time me and my boyfriend started dating we'd already talked about our philosophies of relationships and found both of us would prefer something that wasn't monogamous (started out as an open/swinging style relationship which progressed slowly (and quite naturally for us) into polyamory.) This being said... I have had to debate and wade my way through how to bring it up with other people (friends, family, potential lovers...) so I do have some experience trying to explain myself.

I find one of the better tactics would be to take things slowly, do small things to test out the water first. First make a joke, then transition into hypothetical scenarios that are with John and Jane Doe, see how those go, how your partner reacts to them. If it seems positive slowly introduce the idea that you are polyamorous to your partner, let them ask questions, give them part of the literature associated with polyamory (either websites, youtube videos, books...). I think the slow transition from jokes, to philosophy, to hypothetical, to explaining your feelings works the best in those situations. I'm all for honesty, I believe it is one of the keystones to a happy, healthy relationship, but at the same time it doesn't have to be blunt slap-in-the-face style honesty.

Q. Do you think polyamory is only something for people without children?

A. Polyamory is not just for people without children, there are many happy healthy families out there where everyone is involved with raising the kids. It can be quite healthy for the child as well because more often than not in polyamorous families they'll always have a parental figure there for them, even if the biological parents aren't around at the time. These things really aren't terribly different than with monogamous parents except there can be a greater support network for the child, think about it really, with the amount of people in the home (living with everyone under one roof) it would be like having an extended family around all the time. Personally I grew up in a large family where I was around extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins) most of the time anyway so it seems little different to me.

There can be some challenges, such as explaining the relationship to the child, children dealing with the fact that their family is different than other kid's families at school and ect.

But I think with everything it's a matter of keeping it calm and keeping the explanations and answers to questions age appropriate and just like how it is with monogamous parents you keep the sex and such behind closed and locked doors, but the affection (hugging, light kissing, holding hands, ect) should be fine to be out in the open.

But those are my views on the matter, every parent is different, some polyamorous people chose not to tell their children, or at least not tell them until they are older [mid-teens/adults].

As for words from a teenager from a polyamorous family there is an article here on the subject as well as Polyamorous Percolations has a section on "Poly and Parenting" which may prove helpful because it has things for parents such as coming out to your kids as well as forthings for kids to help coping with being 'different' [right hand side, bottom link under "Polyamory Issues"].

Words from a poly parent on the subject:
It requires even more discussion than a normal polyamorous relationship though, because there is always the question of whether and to what degree partners who are not a child's parents will be involved in his life. It is probably advisable to tell people upfront that you have a child with another partner of yours, but there's no reason you can't be poly with children. (Thanks Kage for the great input on the topic!)

Vocabulary

1. NRE = New Relationship Energy
This is often described as the beginning stages of a relationship where everything is seen through rose-coloured glasses. Everything is fresh, new and exciting. Almost every relationship goes through this phase be it poly or mono. Also known as: Euphoric or Honeymoon stage of a relationship.

2. DADT = Don't Ask Don't Tell
This is often used when a relationship consists of a couple that is 'okay' with the person having other relationships/lovers but don't want to know about them. This is often seen more in swinger/open relationships but sometimes poly take this form as well. It seems ideal way to avoid jealousy problems, but can often cause more problems because it omits the 'open honest communication' part of a healthy relationship.

3. Serial Monogamy
Most monogamous people take part in this. It is the act of having more than one monogamous relationship, over time. Having one partner, breaking up with them, starting new relationship with another person [does not have to be jumping into a relationship right away, just eventually].

4. Starvation Model of Love
The starvation model of love is based on the idea that "you only have a limited amount of love, and if you give your love to one person, there is none left to give to anyone else--so if you fall in love with another person, you have to "pay" for it by withdrawing your love from the first person."

5. Scarcity Model of Love
The notion that love is rare, that we can only have one true love, and that once we meet that one true love, the part of our brains which take notice of other people suddenly and mysteriously shut off. It also implies that we're all put on this earth to love only one other person, our one true soul mate in a world of six billion people... the single person who is right for us, and who by some astounding coincidence happens to go to the same school as us, work in the same place as us.

Have a question?
You are encouraged to post in the Polyamorous Pondering subforum.