Why?
By Hiroko Kasato
Dedicated to Minguchi
By Hiroko Kasato
Dedicated to Minguchi
I scowled in disgust. Lolie was crying her eyes out and Nate was consoling her. Her eyes were fixated over an object, a casket that is. One that held the body of her lover, my brother. She then rested her head against the top of the casket, her shoulders visibly shaking, her sobs soft. One word escaped from her lips, the one that many wanted answered.
Why?
Nate’s eyes widened as he heard the word left her mouth, the enormous amount of feeling that was crammed into one simple word.
Why?
A single tear fell to the ground. He lifted up his hand to cover his eyes, his teeth clenched as his shoulders shook. Again, that accursed word came into existence again.
Why?
I walked up to the casket, the white rose place firmly in my hands. Thorns pierced my skin yet not a single sound left my mouth. Blood trailed down my hand trailing down to the pure white petals staining it forever red. I held out my hand and dropped the rose over the casket.
Why?
I turned abruptly and glared at Lolie.
"Why does it matter? Nothing will change whether or not you know why it happened. People die each day and the same question appears again and again and most don't even get that question that they are dying to get answered. The world keeps on going, keeps on spinning and it does not wait for their question to be solved. Nobody else in this damned world cares. Don't you get it Lolie? Nobody cares. So Camilo died, so what?! Knowing the reason why he died is useless. He won't come back alive." I muttered coldly.
Lolie's eyes were open wide as Nate's reflected anger. I stayed the same though, unaffected, my eyes, emotionless.
"How the hell can you say that? How can you be so cruel?! He was your brother!!!" Nate yelled.
"Brother or not, it remains the same. He died so that's that!" Nate opened his mouth to retort when Lolie interrupted him.
"Please don't fight on Cam's account, He'll be sa-" She was frozen silent by my gaze for I was... laughing, laughing at the
humor in her ridiculous sentence.
"Cam is sad? Is that the only thing that comes to your head? Cam, no, Camilo my brother, is sad?" I scoffed and continued, "So what? Camilo is dead. Dead Lolie. Camilo can't do a single thing because he is dead and nothing else will change that fact. Get over it." Just then, I felt Nate yanking the collar of my dress up so I could see straight into his livid eyes, his arm raised in the air. Lolie gasped.
"Please, Nate! Please stop... stop..." She slid to the floor and sobbed. Nate's eyes softened a bit but then it hardened once again as his attention was turned back at me. He then pushed me away, hard and fast. I already regained balance before I landed. I locked eyes with Lolie and paused.
"Think about what I said." I turned around as I waved my hand once while walking away.
XXX
I glared at the water as its waves crashed against the cliff. I was at the spot that we always used to come to, me and Camilo, Camilo and I. It was a little cave in a cliff only visible if you were facing the cliff from the ocean, which was impossible due to the massive waves. An isolated spot once for two, now for one.
This was the one place that Camilo showed his true side, his sarcastic side, his sadistic side, his complaining side...
everything. I sat down on the ground. It was porous from the start from when I remembered it so long ago. I sniffed in deeply trying to remember how it smelt like before, before all of this happened, before this mess.
I glanced at the cave in the back of me. Left inside were things that were important to us... no, now, to me. I crawled on my hands and knees to the back. Sea glass made up of the colors of the rainbow were left in a jar that stood on a little shelf we carved out ourselves and right next to it was a collection of sea shells, large, small, colorful, dull. It was our collection, one that we made together.
I fingered one fondly. It was a sand dollar and naturally engrafted on the front was a flower. It had the creamy white color of the soft sand that occupied the rarely visited beautiful beach and it smelt of salt and flowers but mostly him, Camilo, my brother. I caressed it to my face remembering the story it held.
XXX
"Camilo! Camilo!!! Look at that!!!" I exclaimed pointing down below. There lying on the rocks was a disk shaped thing the color of the soft white sand that lay on the beach. I smiled looking back at Camilo beckoning him over. He smiled back at me maneuvering over the rocky ground of our secret cave. Instead of his usual clothing, he was wearing a simple white T-shirt and shorts contrary to his usual dignified clothing.
"What is it, Lucia?" He asked. I pointed down to the sand colored object.
"What's that?" I asked him. He squinted carefully tapping his chin slowly and paused.
"I think it's a sand dollar." He answered. I sighed.
"How does it look like up close, Camilo?" I asked. He paused in thought and slowly, a smile came to his face.
"Do you want it, Lucia?" He asked. I glanced at him in confusion.
"What are you talking about?" I asked. He glanced at me with that look in his eyes that only meant trouble. Usually, he wore his glasses that served as a shield to his emotions. His smile would usually be only a distortion to his real feelings. Sometimes I wonder if he even needs glasses.
"Do you want it?" He repeated. I glanced back at the mysterious object that lay on the rocks down below by the water's edge.
"Yes." I answered not thinking about the consequences. He got up and started to climb down to the rocks. Waves smashed
into the natural rock wall by the water. The slightest step and you could be swept away only to spiral down to death. My eyes widened.
"Camilo! Camilo! What are you thinking?!" I called to him. He only turned back towards me and smiled, holding up the sand dollar in his hands.
"I got it!" He called back up to me with a grin. I almost smiled for the fact that right behind him, a wave crashed into the wall sweeping Camilo off of his feet into the water. He screamed. There I stood, frozen in shock, watching him desperately trying to claw his way up to the surface in hopes of finding air.
"Help... somebody..." I whispered. This wasn't happening, was it? Camilo...? Someone... anyone...
XXX
"HELP!!!" I screamed jolting myself up as the sand dollar clattered to the ground. I crawled out to the face of the cave and looked down towards the water. Where is he? Where is my brother?! Camilo?! The water was rough yet there was nobody in the water. It didn't sweep anyone in, there was no Camilo, there I leaned back and gasped for air as if I was the one that was drowning.
"It was a dream..." I kept on repeating to myself. A dream. I tried pulling myself up yet my body was unresponsive. My hands shook from fear, fear that my brother was in the ocean drowning, fear that I couldn’t save him from that car crash. I took deep breaths in a futile attempt to calm myself down.
“What is it, Lucia?”
My breath quickened. Camilo?
“Do you want it, Lucia?”
No… No! Camilo?! What are you doing?! I tried pulling myself up to stop him yet my body stayed the same, unresponsive and paralyzed.
“I got it!!!”
Camilo…? What are you doing Camilo!!! Get off of there! Come back to me!
My eyes widened in horror as a scream met my ears. Quickly I got to my feet and scrambled to the mouth of the cave. Where is he?! I searched the waters in panic. Don’t leave me Camilo… Don’t leave me again.
My eyes caught onto a flash of yellow. Camilo! I jumped of the mouth of the cave to the rock formation that lay below. I threw my coat to the side and dove into the water after my older brother. He sunk fast as I tried to reach for him.
“… Lucia…”
I tried screaming out his name yet it got stolen by the water to be taken up back to the surface. His hand reached towards me just barely out of my grasp. Camilo… wait for me… I’m coming. I felt a bursting feeling in my chest and I growled. Air can wait… my brother put me first before everything and I …
A flash of blue caught my eyes and I was yanked away from my drowning brother, leaving him to his death. The stinging cold wind hit my skin as I gasped for air. An arm was snaked around my waist guiding me unwillingly back to the land. As much as I tried to wiggle out of his grasp and try to get back at my sinking brother, the stronger the grip got. My brother soon disappeared back into darkness.
“NO! CAMILO!!!” I screamed wrenching that had away from my waist diving back in. Before I even got a foot deep, something yanked me back up to the surface. Hands grabbed my face twisting it around to meet blue eyes.
“LET GO OF ME! MY BROTHER… HE’S DROWNING!!!” I screamed at him. I twisted away and searched for my brother. My head was turned back at him. His wet blonde hair partially covered his eyes though one emotion still showed. The heartrending loss of hope.
“He’s dead.” My eyes widened. No… my brother is alive… waiting for me to save him from the sea. The boy’s eyes bore into me.
“He’s dead, Lucia. Camilo is…” He choked, “… dead.” That last word seemed to echo in my head. No… he really isn’t dead… is he?
Tears streamed down my cheeks as realization hit me hard just like the speeding car that ran into my brother. My brother, my… no… our Camilo is dead. He isn’t in the ocean, he isn’t on the road where he was last alive, he is in that casket, that brown polished casket surrounded by white roses never to be alive again. Yet again, only one question was left in my heart.
Why…?
I paused glancing back at Nate. He was bleeding, his skin cut from the sharp rocks. He held me tight against his chest shielding me from the waves that once almost claimed my brother’s life. I opened my mouth to speak, to say at least one single word yet only a lonely sob escaped my mouth. I buried my face into his now wet gray hoodie and whispered the two words that I could only think of.
I’m sorry.
XXX
“Ow! What’s that for?” Camilo grunted. I glared at him after I punched him in the stomach. My eyes started to fill with tears. My legs lost the strength to stand and I slid to the floor by his futon. I covered my face with my hands not wanting him to see my weakness.
“Why did you do that for?” I asked peeking through my hands as my vision of him distorted greatly due to tears. He glanced at me in confusion.
“Why did you have to risk your life for something just as meaningless as a sand dollar. Wh-Why?” I sobbed.
“Why would you call that meaningless?” He asked me. I took my hands from my face and glared at him.
“YOU WOULD RISK YOUR LIFE TO GET A SIMPLE THING FOR ME!!!” I screamed in reply. His eyes shifted from surprise to calmness.
“Lucia…” He paused as if trying to find the right words to answer my question, “… If something happened to you or me that I couldn’t prevent and left either one of us alone… I would never forgive myself.” I glanced at him in confusion.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“If I ever died doing something for the sake of others I would die happy. If something would ever happen to you or me, and I couldn’t do anything to show how much I care about you or anyone else for that matter, I would be… I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Lucia, you are my life. You are my sister and I love you. And if I was going to die knowing that I did something for you, then I’d die happy. I would give my life for the sake of others just as I have done for you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to take anyone’s life for granted and regret it later.” He ended.
After that, he fell asleep from exhaustion. I stared at my brother in confusion. Truthfully, I didn’t even get what he was saying. What did he mean by taking a life for granted? Perhaps… perhaps one day I’ll get the extent of his words…
XXX
If I ever died doing something for the sake of others, I would die happy.
Does that mean that you were happy when that car took your life because you were able to save that kid from losing his life? Does that mean that you were happy leaving us all alone? What do you mean by that, Camilo?
… Did you… did you ever feel that I would be sad if you died? Did you ever think that I took your life for granted?
I choked as I took one last look at the coffin before it was buried in the earth. A tear fell from my eyes.
I… I’m sorry, Camilo… for not understanding your words, for not being able to treasure the things that you gave me. I’m sorry for not saying thank you, for not saying that I was thankful that he took care for me when our parents died. I… I’m sorry I didn’t say that I loved you everyday. I’m sorry…yet that’s what you were trying to tell me, huh, the day you almost died.
I’m sorry that I didn’t follow your words. I’m sorry I took you for granted. But I promise you that I won’t do that again, that I won’t take anyone’s life for granted. I know that it would never forgive my mistake but… I have a feeling… that you would of wanted me to do that anyways.
So today, Camilo, we part ways. You to be brought back to the earth and I… to the people you loved the most, to the people you sacrificed the most for.
With that, I turned away, away from grief, from hurt, and to a new beginning.
Why?
Nate’s eyes widened as he heard the word left her mouth, the enormous amount of feeling that was crammed into one simple word.
Why?
A single tear fell to the ground. He lifted up his hand to cover his eyes, his teeth clenched as his shoulders shook. Again, that accursed word came into existence again.
Why?
I walked up to the casket, the white rose place firmly in my hands. Thorns pierced my skin yet not a single sound left my mouth. Blood trailed down my hand trailing down to the pure white petals staining it forever red. I held out my hand and dropped the rose over the casket.
Why?
I turned abruptly and glared at Lolie.
"Why does it matter? Nothing will change whether or not you know why it happened. People die each day and the same question appears again and again and most don't even get that question that they are dying to get answered. The world keeps on going, keeps on spinning and it does not wait for their question to be solved. Nobody else in this damned world cares. Don't you get it Lolie? Nobody cares. So Camilo died, so what?! Knowing the reason why he died is useless. He won't come back alive." I muttered coldly.
Lolie's eyes were open wide as Nate's reflected anger. I stayed the same though, unaffected, my eyes, emotionless.
"How the hell can you say that? How can you be so cruel?! He was your brother!!!" Nate yelled.
"Brother or not, it remains the same. He died so that's that!" Nate opened his mouth to retort when Lolie interrupted him.
"Please don't fight on Cam's account, He'll be sa-" She was frozen silent by my gaze for I was... laughing, laughing at the
humor in her ridiculous sentence.
"Cam is sad? Is that the only thing that comes to your head? Cam, no, Camilo my brother, is sad?" I scoffed and continued, "So what? Camilo is dead. Dead Lolie. Camilo can't do a single thing because he is dead and nothing else will change that fact. Get over it." Just then, I felt Nate yanking the collar of my dress up so I could see straight into his livid eyes, his arm raised in the air. Lolie gasped.
"Please, Nate! Please stop... stop..." She slid to the floor and sobbed. Nate's eyes softened a bit but then it hardened once again as his attention was turned back at me. He then pushed me away, hard and fast. I already regained balance before I landed. I locked eyes with Lolie and paused.
"Think about what I said." I turned around as I waved my hand once while walking away.
XXX
I glared at the water as its waves crashed against the cliff. I was at the spot that we always used to come to, me and Camilo, Camilo and I. It was a little cave in a cliff only visible if you were facing the cliff from the ocean, which was impossible due to the massive waves. An isolated spot once for two, now for one.
This was the one place that Camilo showed his true side, his sarcastic side, his sadistic side, his complaining side...
everything. I sat down on the ground. It was porous from the start from when I remembered it so long ago. I sniffed in deeply trying to remember how it smelt like before, before all of this happened, before this mess.
I glanced at the cave in the back of me. Left inside were things that were important to us... no, now, to me. I crawled on my hands and knees to the back. Sea glass made up of the colors of the rainbow were left in a jar that stood on a little shelf we carved out ourselves and right next to it was a collection of sea shells, large, small, colorful, dull. It was our collection, one that we made together.
I fingered one fondly. It was a sand dollar and naturally engrafted on the front was a flower. It had the creamy white color of the soft sand that occupied the rarely visited beautiful beach and it smelt of salt and flowers but mostly him, Camilo, my brother. I caressed it to my face remembering the story it held.
XXX
"Camilo! Camilo!!! Look at that!!!" I exclaimed pointing down below. There lying on the rocks was a disk shaped thing the color of the soft white sand that lay on the beach. I smiled looking back at Camilo beckoning him over. He smiled back at me maneuvering over the rocky ground of our secret cave. Instead of his usual clothing, he was wearing a simple white T-shirt and shorts contrary to his usual dignified clothing.
"What is it, Lucia?" He asked. I pointed down to the sand colored object.
"What's that?" I asked him. He squinted carefully tapping his chin slowly and paused.
"I think it's a sand dollar." He answered. I sighed.
"How does it look like up close, Camilo?" I asked. He paused in thought and slowly, a smile came to his face.
"Do you want it, Lucia?" He asked. I glanced at him in confusion.
"What are you talking about?" I asked. He glanced at me with that look in his eyes that only meant trouble. Usually, he wore his glasses that served as a shield to his emotions. His smile would usually be only a distortion to his real feelings. Sometimes I wonder if he even needs glasses.
"Do you want it?" He repeated. I glanced back at the mysterious object that lay on the rocks down below by the water's edge.
"Yes." I answered not thinking about the consequences. He got up and started to climb down to the rocks. Waves smashed
into the natural rock wall by the water. The slightest step and you could be swept away only to spiral down to death. My eyes widened.
"Camilo! Camilo! What are you thinking?!" I called to him. He only turned back towards me and smiled, holding up the sand dollar in his hands.
"I got it!" He called back up to me with a grin. I almost smiled for the fact that right behind him, a wave crashed into the wall sweeping Camilo off of his feet into the water. He screamed. There I stood, frozen in shock, watching him desperately trying to claw his way up to the surface in hopes of finding air.
"Help... somebody..." I whispered. This wasn't happening, was it? Camilo...? Someone... anyone...
XXX
"HELP!!!" I screamed jolting myself up as the sand dollar clattered to the ground. I crawled out to the face of the cave and looked down towards the water. Where is he? Where is my brother?! Camilo?! The water was rough yet there was nobody in the water. It didn't sweep anyone in, there was no Camilo, there I leaned back and gasped for air as if I was the one that was drowning.
"It was a dream..." I kept on repeating to myself. A dream. I tried pulling myself up yet my body was unresponsive. My hands shook from fear, fear that my brother was in the ocean drowning, fear that I couldn’t save him from that car crash. I took deep breaths in a futile attempt to calm myself down.
“What is it, Lucia?”
My breath quickened. Camilo?
“Do you want it, Lucia?”
No… No! Camilo?! What are you doing?! I tried pulling myself up to stop him yet my body stayed the same, unresponsive and paralyzed.
“I got it!!!”
Camilo…? What are you doing Camilo!!! Get off of there! Come back to me!
My eyes widened in horror as a scream met my ears. Quickly I got to my feet and scrambled to the mouth of the cave. Where is he?! I searched the waters in panic. Don’t leave me Camilo… Don’t leave me again.
My eyes caught onto a flash of yellow. Camilo! I jumped of the mouth of the cave to the rock formation that lay below. I threw my coat to the side and dove into the water after my older brother. He sunk fast as I tried to reach for him.
“… Lucia…”
I tried screaming out his name yet it got stolen by the water to be taken up back to the surface. His hand reached towards me just barely out of my grasp. Camilo… wait for me… I’m coming. I felt a bursting feeling in my chest and I growled. Air can wait… my brother put me first before everything and I …
A flash of blue caught my eyes and I was yanked away from my drowning brother, leaving him to his death. The stinging cold wind hit my skin as I gasped for air. An arm was snaked around my waist guiding me unwillingly back to the land. As much as I tried to wiggle out of his grasp and try to get back at my sinking brother, the stronger the grip got. My brother soon disappeared back into darkness.
“NO! CAMILO!!!” I screamed wrenching that had away from my waist diving back in. Before I even got a foot deep, something yanked me back up to the surface. Hands grabbed my face twisting it around to meet blue eyes.
“LET GO OF ME! MY BROTHER… HE’S DROWNING!!!” I screamed at him. I twisted away and searched for my brother. My head was turned back at him. His wet blonde hair partially covered his eyes though one emotion still showed. The heartrending loss of hope.
“He’s dead.” My eyes widened. No… my brother is alive… waiting for me to save him from the sea. The boy’s eyes bore into me.
“He’s dead, Lucia. Camilo is…” He choked, “… dead.” That last word seemed to echo in my head. No… he really isn’t dead… is he?
Tears streamed down my cheeks as realization hit me hard just like the speeding car that ran into my brother. My brother, my… no… our Camilo is dead. He isn’t in the ocean, he isn’t on the road where he was last alive, he is in that casket, that brown polished casket surrounded by white roses never to be alive again. Yet again, only one question was left in my heart.
Why…?
I paused glancing back at Nate. He was bleeding, his skin cut from the sharp rocks. He held me tight against his chest shielding me from the waves that once almost claimed my brother’s life. I opened my mouth to speak, to say at least one single word yet only a lonely sob escaped my mouth. I buried my face into his now wet gray hoodie and whispered the two words that I could only think of.
I’m sorry.
XXX
“Ow! What’s that for?” Camilo grunted. I glared at him after I punched him in the stomach. My eyes started to fill with tears. My legs lost the strength to stand and I slid to the floor by his futon. I covered my face with my hands not wanting him to see my weakness.
“Why did you do that for?” I asked peeking through my hands as my vision of him distorted greatly due to tears. He glanced at me in confusion.
“Why did you have to risk your life for something just as meaningless as a sand dollar. Wh-Why?” I sobbed.
“Why would you call that meaningless?” He asked me. I took my hands from my face and glared at him.
“YOU WOULD RISK YOUR LIFE TO GET A SIMPLE THING FOR ME!!!” I screamed in reply. His eyes shifted from surprise to calmness.
“Lucia…” He paused as if trying to find the right words to answer my question, “… If something happened to you or me that I couldn’t prevent and left either one of us alone… I would never forgive myself.” I glanced at him in confusion.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“If I ever died doing something for the sake of others I would die happy. If something would ever happen to you or me, and I couldn’t do anything to show how much I care about you or anyone else for that matter, I would be… I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. Lucia, you are my life. You are my sister and I love you. And if I was going to die knowing that I did something for you, then I’d die happy. I would give my life for the sake of others just as I have done for you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want to take anyone’s life for granted and regret it later.” He ended.
After that, he fell asleep from exhaustion. I stared at my brother in confusion. Truthfully, I didn’t even get what he was saying. What did he mean by taking a life for granted? Perhaps… perhaps one day I’ll get the extent of his words…
XXX
If I ever died doing something for the sake of others, I would die happy.
Does that mean that you were happy when that car took your life because you were able to save that kid from losing his life? Does that mean that you were happy leaving us all alone? What do you mean by that, Camilo?
… Did you… did you ever feel that I would be sad if you died? Did you ever think that I took your life for granted?
I choked as I took one last look at the coffin before it was buried in the earth. A tear fell from my eyes.
I… I’m sorry, Camilo… for not understanding your words, for not being able to treasure the things that you gave me. I’m sorry for not saying thank you, for not saying that I was thankful that he took care for me when our parents died. I… I’m sorry I didn’t say that I loved you everyday. I’m sorry…yet that’s what you were trying to tell me, huh, the day you almost died.
I’m sorry that I didn’t follow your words. I’m sorry I took you for granted. But I promise you that I won’t do that again, that I won’t take anyone’s life for granted. I know that it would never forgive my mistake but… I have a feeling… that you would of wanted me to do that anyways.
So today, Camilo, we part ways. You to be brought back to the earth and I… to the people you loved the most, to the people you sacrificed the most for.
With that, I turned away, away from grief, from hurt, and to a new beginning.
