Welcome to Gaia! ::

I wrote this for my Mythology class. Let's see if you can pick up on the point of this writing.

INTERNETZ = SRS BSNS

To say Hannelhore lived a normal life would be a gross misconception. Born to two crazed German scientists -- Alfons, his bioengineer father; and Edna, his bioengineered mother --, he lived his first few years being fed books of Latin, German, and English texts, with periodical snacks of the Periodical Table. He learned to read at age two, went to school at age three, and graduated high school at age 10, only to follow his education through in a posh university in Switzerland, majoring in music theory.

Now, Hannelhore had been around technology since his birth, so his colleagues figured it was only a matter of time before he became a super-hacker and a blogger with billions of page views and angered readers. Whilst treading the sea of the blogosphere, gently floating on the tides of gigabytes, megabytes, and stereotypes, Hannelhore was in his element. He became world-renowned for his h4ckz0rz skillz and verbose rants, and acquired thousands of disembodied, pretentious cyber-buddies.

Needless to say, he was happy.

One day, while surfing the interweb for something to LOL at, Hannelhore stumbled upon a page in dark coloring and the cheesy 'Gothic'-style font that you can download for free on dafont.com. Hannelhore, intrigued, highlighted the text to read it better on the dark-on-darker scheme (not wise for feng-shui), and was graced with the following message:

"BEWARE YE WHO STUMBLED UPONETH THIS PAGE,
FOR I AM THE COMPUTER KING
AND YOU SHALL BOW TO MY OMNIPOTENCY
(lulz, i sound lyke shaekspeare!1!!!oneone!)"

Horror-stricken at the madness that was this self-proclaimed "Computer King", Hannelhore instantly hacked into his mainframe and changed around his coloring and wording to say "I AM THE UNICORN KING, CHAAAARLIIIIE!", with a bright rainbow in the background. Snickering once his deed was done, he moved to click out of the internet, before a flash of light blinded him! The bright light came from inside of his laptop, and the pixels started to rearrange themselves into a swirl, which proceeded to suck Hannelhore into its mechanic and diabolical depths. All Hannelhore could get out was "O NOEZ!" before he was engulfed by the internetz.

Once he came to, Hannelhore opened his eyes, looking all around him. He was in a swirling abyss of uploaded YouTube videos, anime, pr0n, and bad comics. It was like a nightmare! "Oh Em Gee, where am I?!" he yelped, jumping out of the way when a particularly grotesque picture of a furry yiffing nearly struck him upside the head. "Am I in... the internet?"

Suddenly, another bright light came from within the vast cyberspace, and a man appeared. He was tall and had dark hair, and his hands were both lifted in the thumbs-up sign, a grin on his face.

Hannelhore recognized him.

"Omigod, aren't you Tom? Tom who made MySpace?"

Instantly the man's hands dropped, running through his hair. "Yeah, yeah, that's me," he said, grin faltering to be replaced with a cynical scowl. "I have to do that happy-go-lucky face at first, or people'll think bad about me. Either way, yadda yadda, poof, I'm here. Hannelhore - that is your name, right? - you must go on a quest! To save the internet from the Computer King and his fiery wrath!"

Hannelhore blinked. "You're kidding."

"No, I am not effing kidding," snapped the MySpace mogul, scowling again. "Listen, my job is just to tell you to do this else you'll be trapped in cyberspace forever. Just like me. Take it from me, kiddo: it's not fun." He reached into a side bag across his shoulder and pulled out three items: a computer mouse with a long cord, a Wii controller, and a can of Red Bull. "Here! Take these weapons of might and fight the menace that is the Computer King!" Then, he poofed.

Picking up his newfound weapons, Hannelhore pockets them, looking around at his surroundings once more. He didn't have to look long before he found a link back to Computer King's site o' d00m. Lassoing the link with the cord to his computer mouse, he jumped onto the link and let it transport him through the internet to the black abyss that started all of this.

"Helloooo?" Hannelhore called out, cupping his mouth to make his voice louder. "Anybody hooome?" All of a sudden, the ground grumbled beneath the teenager, and he lost his balance, landing on his rump. A pair of red eyes stared out from the darkness, before a bright light turned on, illuminating the website. In front of Hannelhore stood a tall man in all black, a cheap Halloween Darth Vader mask on his face. Speaking more to himself than anyone, Hannelhore said: '"Vegeta, what does the scouter say?!" "ITS OVER 9000!" "WHAT?! 9000?!"' to show just how strong and insanely pwnsome Darth Vader looked.

"Hannelhore," said the Star Wars impersonator, his deep voice resonating throughout the halls. "I am... your pwner." He wielded a massive lightsaber and Hannelhore scrambled for his Wii controller, holding onto it tightly. Darth Vader lunged, aiming at Hannelhore's face, but Hannelhore was too quick: lifting the Wii behind his head, he swung, and it morphed into a golf club which hit the black guy squarely in the arm. Darth Vader winced, but reached into his side bag, grabbing a lazer. His mouth twisted grotesquely, and he screamed: "IM CHARGIN MAH LAZAH!!" and shot a massive ray of pwn at Hannelhore. Jumping to the side, Hannelhore rolled over, grabbing his Wii again. This time, he acted as if it were a tennis racket, and he hit a cyber ball right onto Darth's gonads.

Darth Vader fell to his knees, an audible groan passing his lips, and Hannelhore couldn't help but have sympathy pains. But it wasn't enough to stop him! Reaching down, he grasped the mask in his hand, and pulled it off, gasping at his nemesis' face.

It was a teenager.

"..whut," was all the dumbfounded Hannelhore could say before he was cut off by the Computer King. "You are but a n00b before me! Bow down, for I am LINUS THE COMPUTER KING!" Now that the mask wasn't changing his voice, "Linus the Computer King" sounded like a coctail of puberty, sinus problems, and asthma.

Lifting his foot, Hannelhore mock-kicked at the little boy, who cowered under his might. Angered, Linus scrambled to his feet, yelling at the top of his lungs: "*draws my sword* I will defeat you, n00b! En garde!" He didn't have a sword.

Arching a brow, the older boy stared at Linus, confused, "'Draws my sword?' Are you SPEAKING ACTIONS?" This flustered Linus, who went to find his lightsaber. Just before he could reach it, Hannelhore kicked it out of the way, standing tall over the 16-year-old virgin. "You need to stop you internetz-debauchery. You're making the web an annoying place to be - it's n00bs like you who messed up 4chan! FOR SHAME." Snorting, Hannelhore reached into his bag, grabbing his mouse cord and Red Bull. Wrapping the cord around Linus' legs, he tied him to Mr. Hands, and then forced the Computer King to drink the Red Bull. This, of course, gave him wings, so he was suspended in the air for all eternity. To add insult to injury, he pulled up a YouTube video and made Linus listen to it - FOREVER!

"NOOOOEZ!" Linus screamed once he heard the song, wailing to the tune of "Never Gonna Give You Up" by Rick Astley.

"Haha, you just got Rick Rolled."

"Now!" said Hannelhore, placing his hands on his hips. "Why did you taint the intarwebz with your n00by filth!?"

Poor Linus' simple answer was: "I did it for the lulz."

"O RLY?"

"YA RLY" And that was that.

Now that he had saved the day, Hannelhore made his way back to the first place where he had visited the internet, trying to find a way out, to no avail. He had almost given up before he heard someone talking behind him: "I swear, that Catholic Priest has the best altar bo- OH HAI HANNELHORE." It was Tom again! With... Michael Jackson?

Wiggling his fingers with a grin, MJ cooed, "Hellooo Hannelhore," which gave Hannelhore the creeps. Turning to Tom, he tilted his head, pointing at the lack of a door. "Hey, *****, where's the door out?" Tom jerked his thumb at a convienently placed door --Hannelhore swore that wasn't there a second ago-- before going on with his conversation with Michael.

Hannelhore took his leave, opening the door and stepping inside. It seemed to be a kind of elevator, and he pushed the level he wanted to go to -- "IRL" -- and waited to the tune of the Numa Numa song. It was a new torture in itself. Once he stopped IRL, he stepped out into his familiar room, with its posters of MCR and Hot Topic clothing lines, and everyone was happy.

Except for Linus, who died listening to the crooning of "Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert youuu..."

I have three short stories, that deal with hard topics. If anyone would like to read them, PM me:

"1" for His Name Was Nobody
"2" for Bruised
"3" for Untitled

and "abc" for all of them. smile