Welcome to Gaia! ::

I had a friend in a similar situation.
We've been friends since middle school and we were practically inseparable in High school.
After high school, she went to college and I worked my a** off. So we started seeing each other less and less, and then she started hanging out with other people. Wasn't a big deal, except she was changing to accommodate this new circle of friends. By the time she left for college outside of the state, things were pretty shaky between us. I didn't like the person she was becoming and she would ditch me and whoever to be with someone else almost immediately. So when she left the state, I was pretty relieved. Then she came back with even shadier people. People who convinced her that it was perfectly okay to do things like make out with a whole bunch of drunk guys-3 of which were in very good relationships and admittedly one who was my own boyfriend. And I'm not justifying his actions, but he was drunk, and she wasn't. I tried my damnedest to salvage what was left of our friendship after that, but that whole night was pretty much the last straw. I called her up one day we got together and I just spilled my guts to her. She claimed that it was conflict of interest. I know it's because she stopped taking care of herself and started to mold herself to fit others needs.
In the end, we decided we had too many neutral friends to stop talking completely. And we agreed we can tolerate each other if we're in the company of others. So we decided to remain acquaintances. There's less tension amongst our group gatherings that way, and there may be a possibility that we might be able to pick up the remnants of our friendship again.
It's been this way now for a good year and a half, I think. And we've tried hanging out together maybe two times since, but she canceled on me both times.
It's impossible to ignore a good 8-10 year chunk of your life with someone. I'm not ever going to say that me and this girl will never be friends again. But because we actually sat down and confronted each other about our broken friendship, I can look back on it and have no regrets even if our relationship stays the way it is now...
In the end, whatever you choose to do, I suggest leaving everything in the best of your interests that way; you don't wanna' look down the road years from now and wonder "What if" or think with that whole "Woulda', Shoulda', Could" type of mentality, especially if your guys were such great friends at some point.
Either which way, I hope everything goes well for you.
Hope I helped
sweatdrop

I've had that happen with close and long term friends twice over the past few years. In both cases, there were a lot of things that I was finding difficult about the friendship, but because of our histories, I'd persevered regardless.

I ended up going the fade out route with both, largely because it wasn't in either case a situation that arose out of conflict -there were just aspects of their personalities or their demands on the friendship that I couldn't deal with anymore.

One of them, I'm happy to say has been resolved -after some time out from the friendship (I think it ended up being about eight months) I was thinking of him fondly again, so I contacted him, and we talked and were able to pick up where we left off, but with a far better understanding of what we both wanted from the friendship. (I think the time out was crucial though, because I was so ridiculously annoyed by everything this person did, that I just couldn't be around him, after some time, I was able to remember all of the good things along with the not so good.)

The other, I think is just over. Our personalities are just too different, and I can't for the life of me figure out how we stuck it out as long as we did. That said, I don't hate her, I feel sad that I don't get to hear from her about things going on in her life, but I don't want to go back, I can't see how things would change...

1. Have you ever had to consciously end a friendship. If so, what was it about?

I've unfortunately had to do so a few times. Mostly with my friend Mandie. She's my oldest friend, and I was a bride's maid at her wedding (one of my greatest honors in this life). Unfortunately I'm Catholic and Mandie's hard core Protestant. I've cut her off on several occasions because her blatant anti-Catholicism has bothered me greatly. It's a little like a friendship between a Jew and a Nazi at times. As a person she loves me- but she cannot stop and put a cork in it when she bashes Catholics and puts down the religion to a great degree. I'm not talking about bad priest jokes- but like flat out hate. I don't think she really realizes that what she feels is a strong prejudice. I've confronted her on it countless times- thus the on and off again friendship. I almost always come back around. Despite her religious intolerance, Mandie does have a loving heart. She's a beautiful person- just has a horrible shortcoming in the diversity embracing arena. I am still semi-closeted about my bisexuality because I know how she'll react. Also, I had an incident a couple years back in which there was a faint chance I was pregnant and miscarried- when I called Mandie sobbing she condemned me for premarital sexuality and told me I was afraid to be pregnant. In reality I was terrified I had lost life inside of me.

Thus many of my friends are agnostics, pagans, or other non-christian religions. I've been burned by a couple Christian friends. There are good Christians out there, but I'm afraid to introduce my gay friends to Christian friends for the ones who aren't.

Another incident was Kaity, if you want another wall of Text I'd be happy to share. That incident led to my infamous emo moment in the guild where I fought with a member and defected. Doressa convinced me to come back smile

2. What did you have to do/say in order to end the friendship, and how did the other person take it?

With Mandie I pretty much told her that I wouldn't stand for being friends with someone who wouldn't accept me as the religion I am. With Kaity it was a huge fight- the next day she had me removed from facebook and my space- so I figured she didn't want to be friends anymore. I don't think any of my friends took it any better than I did. Rifting/fighting with someone you either still care about or once cared about is very hard. I don't take it well- save for break ups. I'm very, very used to break ups these days.


3. Did you ever make contact with the person later on (months/years) and try to be friends again, and if so did it work out?

Yes with both Mandie and Kaity- but on different levels. Mandie and I missed a huge chunk of each other's lives. We'll never get that back (despite knowing each other since we were five). But, with Mandie we can build something stronger. Mandie's husband is an awesome man who has helped her become a lot more open minded and tolerant. I don't think she'll ever fully accept my faith- but I have confidence she can learn to be less pointlessly snide and intolerant. With Kaity we've renewed our friendship- but it's not the same. Kaity has a bad habit of never really letting fully back into her heart people she's rifted with. She has a hard time with being honest with people. Her husband has pretty much filled the void in her life where I once was. I think with Kaity my single hood alienates us these days because she married young-- and I am refusing to marry until I find someone I want with all my being to spend my life with (I might never wed, but it's a worthy sacrifice to me). Though Kaity and I are pretty good to go with hanging out and joking now--- but we're not as bonded at the hip as we once were sad

4. General comments about friendships that didn't work out

I think I've done enough walls of text, don't cha think? biggrin