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WHOO LAWL CONTROVERSY
  I'd hit it.
  Do a barrel roll! (To avoid enemy fire.)
  CIVIL MARRIAGE GET
  Does this mean Yoshiki is leaving L.A.? (No, it doesn't.)
  Step 5: ????
  Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
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K0m0d0

PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 12:06 pm
La Belle Isolde
Gah, I didn't read the entire thing and here's a big reason why (aside from the fact that it's late, I'm upset, and not very helpful): You said "Marriage is a big concept."

"Big" is a very general word and so very nondescript it's kind of a crappy opener in my eyes.

If you have time to change it to "important" or "controversial" or another word it would be far better, IMO.

Just to give yourself a better hook.

-La Belle Isolde-

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My Scroll


Yeah, it's bad. @_@. It used to be 'word', but... I think I'll just change it back. Nobody had a good opening sentence during the peer review... but I have plenty of time to fix it.
 
PostPosted: Thu Nov 20, 2008 2:14 pm
Terrific essay, K0m0... and agreed on the content. smile  

aretoo
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Skorndrick

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 1:24 pm
Go Komo! I have to write a short story based in science-fiction elements due someday soon for my own English class. Any suggestions? It's kind of about time-travel, but it's supposed to be a satyr of prejudisism.  
PostPosted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 5:05 pm
Blu_the_werecat
Go Komo! I have to write a short story based in science-fiction elements due someday soon for my own English class. Any suggestions? It's kind of about time-travel, but it's supposed to be a satyr of prejudisism.


Oh, that sounds lovely! :3. Do you have an idea yet, or are you asking me to offer some ideas? X3.
 

K0m0d0


Skorndrick

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 2:08 pm
Ha-ha! Well, why don't you see for yourself!
(Blu the wereat is one of the main characters in my stories, hence my Gaian title)


"Bart, use the damn door for once," Kel muttered as his friend passed through it.
Bart sighed. "I find your use of the international language quite abominable, my friend.
Kel snorted. "Revetaw, thgir llan." [All right, whatever]
Blu the werecat sat next to him, twitching her tail, and looked over at Bart. "So...are we really going to find my family?" she asked hopefully.
Hynnkel put an arm around her shoulders. "Of course. You need someone besides us to have around, don't you?"
Bart dissappeared and reappeared next to them. "Hynnkel Tobian Hakinato, quit fondling your lover and and help me before I set C-1043 on you."
"That's the one Blu disentegrated, mate," Kel said with a lazy wave of his hand.
"Oh, um, yes...I'd forgotten. Truly sorry. C-1052, then?"
"That one never worked, Bartholemew."
"Oh. Yes, quite then...damned incomprehensible filing..."
"It's Bart!"
"Oh damn..," Bart muttered under his breath. He turned permeable and only had to wait for a few seconds for what he was actually waiting for.
Soda flew through him and collided with the wall. "Ouch," she said, rubbing her head. Her wings folded behind her softly.
Jazzie came in, followed by a rather annoyed looking Midnight.
"Sorry Bart. We tried to stop her, but she's a bit of a fanatic over your...phantasm-ness," explained Midnight.
"Mmm-hmm," Bart said, raising one white eyebrow critically.
"Well don't look at me!" exclaimed Jazzie. "She thinks you're cool!"
"I'm nine hundred and three years old, yet eternally ninteen; how is that 'cool'?" Bart asked bitterly.
Kel winced and stood up, letting go of Blu. "Mate, now is not the time to be dealing with this. Understand?"
Bart's cold grey eyes flicked over his friend's figure. "It doesn't matter now," he said after a few seconds. "It hasn't mattered for quite some time."
He dissappeared and reappeared next to the control board of the machine, his back to the others. Finally, he said, "How many more people must ask me that question?"
"None," Kel said sternly, giving the others a in the Time Machine a warning look.
Bart switched a few levers to adjust the Machine's engine and said quietly- not quite looking at the others still- "I suggest you all be ready now. We may leave as soon as you are ready."
Soda came up to Kel and Blu and sat down on Kel's free side. "Hey," she whispered, nudging Kel's shoulder.
"What?"
"Why is Bart so...introspective. Er...secretive?"
Kel's hair fell in his face, covering his eyes with velvety blackness. "I...can't talk about it. I'm sorry, Bird-Girl."
"Oh..." Soda turned and started speaking to Jazzie, glancing at Bart as she did.
"Bart! What's taking so long!?" and impatient Midnight asked.
Bart scowled and fiddled with a small red knob. "I can't...hold on a minute please, dear fellows."
He permeated and passed through into the Machine's thickly-wired walls.
"Ah, I see..." His fingers solidified and he swiftly re-connected the the three mis-matched wires.
As soon as he fixed the Machine it gave a little jolt and he passed through the wall on the other side from which he had came. His hands were inside the wall, and the rest of him was outside the Machine completely.
The Machine gave a shuddering jerk and Bart began to panic. He couldn't be out of the Machine as it left or he would end up trapped between dimensional time-frames -probably forever.
The Machine gave another jerk -Bart felt a sickening jolt in his stomach and thought That shouldn't be happening, I'm a phantom- and then began to hum with increasing loudness.
Bart re-permeated his hands and pushed himself back through the walls of the Machine as it began to hum and shudder visciously. He fell into the room and into Kel. They both landed on the floor.
Bart groaned and sat up. His eyes focused strangely on to his hands and he realized something was wrong. He wasn't even see-through.
"Bart...you're hair..," Blu said, staring at him in shock.
Bart stood up and looekd into a blank screen. then gasped.
"What the hell!?" he yelled, tugging at a now mouse-brown lock of his hair.
Kel reached out and pushed his friend gently. "Are you...supposed to be in your ghost-form or something?" he asked slowly.
Bart shook his head impatiently. "Yes, I am! But...something's wrong. THe Machine is acting up. And-"
The Machine gave another jolt and everyone had to catch thier balance to remain standing up.
"Ow! What's wrong with your stupid Machine, Barty!?" Amaya asked, now visible and now on the floor.
Kel scowled and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "May, didn't I tell you not to come? There's not enough room!"
Bart automatically helped her up. "I do beleive I told you not to come. And I also beleive I told you not to call me Barty anymore, now, didn't I?"
"Yeah..." Amaya looked disapppointed.
"Um, Bartyou're human again," Jazzie interrupted quietly.
Bart stared at her, mildly surprised. "Why do you say that?"
"I can smell it. You're human again..."
"Oh..." Bart pinched his nose iwth his thumb and forefinger. "Damn...it must be somethign to do with my miscalculations. I'll need to work on that when we land.
"If we're going to Earth, but we're on Road, how's that supposed to work?" Soda asked.
"My Machine can move across time and space both," Bart said with a hint of proudness.
"Oh, so it's like The Doctor's TARDIS?" Blu asked, grinning at the idea.
"The what?"
"Never mind..."

That's all I've got so far.  
PostPosted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 8:18 pm
Very well written I really liked it. Keep up the good work ^^  

Kandii Gurll

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