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 Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:03 pm
Saew Hoping to hear good news, Mame! *hugs* And I still blame you for me being Assimilated into the Herd, though there are even bigger (not to mention scarier) bronies out there. mrgreen Indeed. My internets-boyfriend actually is a huge brony. He's going as Applejack this Halloween. No, not Big Mac, Applejack. If it wasn't so incestuous I'd totally go as Big Mac ;o; In other news: Decompression has continued. I was feeling fine earlier today, but after being stupid, getting frustrated at the state of my kitchen (which was completely abysmal) and cleaning it.... I'm pretty out of commission. But I'll be alright, got some nice ice and may tempt a bath later. I am reading other personal threads, just don't have much to say on them. But I am reading and I care <3 On the productive side of things I have been finished this week's readings/projects for class since Sunday, I've completed 1.5/3 of my course work for next week already. I am actually being productive with school instead of procrastinating. :3 Plus I am full of love. Just brimming. biggrin
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:41 am
Biopsies are no fun. Blarg. My innards weep for their lost comrade.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:42 am
Mameoyashi Biopsies are no fun. Blarg. My innards weep for their lost comrade. I hope you get good news, whatever chunk they took sad
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 4:14 pm
Mameoyashi Biopsies are no fun. Blarg. My innards weep for their lost comrade. *sends out warm fuzzie hugs*
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Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 1:09 am
It's been awhile. I haven't really felt like talking much lately about myself and lots of stuff has been going on.
In brief:
-Decompression isn't working and has made my back worse.
-Also making my back worse was a few weeks ago when I fell down a short flight of stairs during the first freezing rain of the season.
-Have been trying to do university course work between periods of pain and brain-fog from pain medication
-Haven't been able to do any housework for a month....
-Terrified about earning enough credits to graduate this spring. Unsure of my choices in life.
-I've recently realized that I think I may have suppressed and unconscious self-harm tendencies considering the state of my toes from being picked at all the time- not to mention any scabs I've gotten recently I can't help but keep picking off
-That being said I'm going back to my doctor and probably getting a referral. My therapist hasn't helped as I initially thought he would and I think my case is outside of his realm of specialization. I really feel sometimes like I'm going insane from the pain. It's gotten so bad that it's hard to even look passed it on a day-to-day basis. On the other hand I cannot take much pain medication. My body is resistant to it (over the counter does nothing for pain relief). Hell I wrote a paper that got me an A- and the best review from a professor I've ever had while on heavy percocets. Probably would have gotten an A+ but I missed a bit of key usable material in the notes that I should have used. But out of a book of 207 pages I read over a month ago (not to mention having to shift focus between three authors and my own comments in only a 1,000-1,500 word range) I think that I remembered well enough where at least some of the material applied.
Sorry tangent...
-Getting referred to a surgeon specializing in backs and possibly also a psychologist just... to see whats what.
-Fighting with family a lot about this issue. They are not respecting my decisions and continually harass me to do exactly what they say despite me having already done what they suggest previously and have wasted my time and money. Also they are shaming me for "giving up" because I'm living with the realistic possibility that things could be the same as they are now for the rest of my life. They aren't willing to accept it yet, and if they kept that for themselves instead of piling it onto me that would be fine. But they don't. And I just can't handle unrealistic and blind hope. I can't stand to get my spirits up so high only to be let down again. So I look at things with cautious optimism. But because I am cautious and sometimes skeptical (though to be fair my family is notoriously prone to falling for snake oil salesmen) I am suddenly accused of losing all hope. When I'm just trying to deal with what I've got.
-Colposcopy and biopsy they took though thankfully came back normal. Yay nothing wrong with my lady-bits at least.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:28 pm
Brb... probably cutting ties with my parents. They can't respect I'm making my decisions for me.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 1:13 pm
Listening to Graverg talk with my mother. Holy ******** I'm so proud. He hasn't done the book-research I have... but it's clear he's been listening and introspecting on his own.
Overflowing love.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:18 pm
Well back to limbo with them. Ffff- this needs to get resolved soon.
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:27 pm
Mameoyashi Listening to Graverg talk with my mother. Holy ******** I'm so proud. He hasn't done the book-research I have... but it's clear he's been listening and introspecting on his own. Overflowing love. Yay Mame! I'm happy for you. The good parents will eventually come around and the bad ones aren't worth the effort
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:29 pm
Esiris Yay Mame! I'm happy for you. The good parents will eventually come around and the bad ones aren't worth the effort Graverg says he finally understands what I've been talking about. How my mother makes it clear she isn't getting what you're saying but says insists she does so there is no way to make her understand. And the whole coming full circle in her circular logic train several times. But better news than this. M&P changed their minds and we're house hunting 8D Renting, but house hunting ;o;
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 8:30 pm
Mameoyashi Esiris Yay Mame! I'm happy for you. The good parents will eventually come around and the bad ones aren't worth the effort Graverg says he finally understands what I've been talking about. How my mother makes it clear she isn't getting what you're saying but says insists she does so there is no way to make her understand. And the whole coming full circle in her circular logic train several times. But better news than this. M&P changed their minds and we're house hunting 8D Renting, but house hunting ;o; I'm glad about the house! Yay!
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Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 10:08 pm
Mameoyashi Esiris Yay Mame! I'm happy for you. The good parents will eventually come around and the bad ones aren't worth the effort Graverg says he finally understands what I've been talking about. How my mother makes it clear she isn't getting what you're saying but says insists she does so there is no way to make her understand. And the whole coming full circle in her circular logic train several times. But better news than this. M&P changed their minds and we're house hunting 8D Renting, but house hunting ;o; When house hunting, do you gut it on site and just take the meat and skin? Do first timers have to eat a bite of the heart raw? xd Congratulations, Mame! And maybe, one of these days, she really *will* get it?
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Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 8:19 am
Saew When house hunting, do you gut it on site and just take the meat and skin? Do first timers have to eat a bite of the heart raw? xd Congratulations, Mame! And maybe, one of these days, she really *will* get it? She probably won't. I don't really want to get into it and normally I love giving people multiple chances but this.... I just need to learn to defend my boundaries better when it comes to her, that's all. Heart? Naw. But a little bit of the drywall. You know, for strength and all that jazz. And actually we don't gut it onsite. The owners gut it for us. Yeah, yeah, shouldn't hunt a house if you aren't willing to gut it yourself, I grew up with hunters i know the drill. But really, they just do it, not like I ask.
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Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2012 12:35 pm
UPDATE:
Hey, I know I haven't been around a lot. I've been on Gaia, just not tending to the thread or guild anymore as I should be. A lot of stuff has gone on in my life and my health continues to wobble all over the place but in general deteriorate. I've had a lot of disappointing and very frustrating medical news about my back, as well as a huge falling out with my doctor and now I'm left in this pseudo-sort-of-not-having-a-doctor-but-still-technically-registered thing for other reasons and nothing is moving forward.
I've retreated a lot into myself and I'm really trying to figure out and fix things along the way.
Moving in with M&P has also proven more stressful than I imagined. I didn't realize just how much me and P's lifestyles and honestly conditions don't quite mesh well with one another (I have a slew of anxiety related issues and can't always speak up [literally my throat clenches and I can't say anything] and he's somewhere on the autistic spectrum and is *terrible* with social cues and even with a lot of effort doesn't quite know when he's being an a**). I've been told just to tell him when he's being an a**, but he's not being an a**, not really. I'm just not handling things well. I have a very bouncy and teasing sense of humour (though I do check in and make sure I don't cross a line) and he does too. It's just I have particular hot-buttons and I haven't been able to express that yet (I'm seriously trying but I can't muster the courage or the words because they just jumble and fall away into "I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry"), and the few I have expressed he has tendencies to forget (which is understandable he has his own s**t to deal with) but it's hard reminding him all the time. And trying to get him to respect my animals and training practices is....difficult. I'm trying to get Isolde to stop howling when people come to the door (she's friendly, but wants to make sure we know and are aware someone's coming >.<) and the other day she started to howl and I am on the other side of the house... and then I hear a second howl that was NOT Isolde and there is P in the basement howling back at Isolde because it's funny. Just... not funny I'm trying to get her to stop howling for their sake because they don't like it and he's just feeding the fire! But he doesn't quite know how to deal with animals either (looks like he picked up some disrespectful habits from another pet owner he used to live with, including lauching my cat 7lbs onto the hardwood floor. Now when he told me this I didn't think much of it, just a small toss, but he's a very tall man and what he said is a small toss/shove out of the way (like when I shove her away with my foot so she doesn't escape is actually a big arching lob tossing her about two feet from his standing height... onto a hardwood floor is not cool.) it seems. But I also know I'm overprotective of my babes so I don't know what to do or how to approach the situation.
And dishes my lord, they are stacked SO precariously and knives are just slotted in everywhere. Not safe at all and I have cut myself from a knife in a sink full of water so I'm freaking out about the dishes but don't want to go into controlling b***h mode about stacking plates. I just worked in the restaurant industry too long to abide a hazardous kitchen, but again I have NO IDEA how to talk about it.
Well. I have ideas. It just falls apart at the execution because my coping mechanisms have been s**t and I can't form actual words that isn't just angry word vomit lately and that scares me because tha'ts NOT me. That's the stress of everything in the last six to eight months (and to a lesser extend those for the last six years) and I'm crumbling from it. I don't like this at all... but I'm still trying for progress and to be able to speak about these things.
I think it's helped since I got on tumblr and he eventually joined too. He's seeing the things I'm posting and reblogging and I'm seeing his. I think it's helping us indirectly come to a better understanding of one another. Funny, isn't it? Hopefully this will help us in the long-run and maybe help me get over my own anxieties and blockages.
So it's been really rough and I am trying to keep up with a lot of things. I'm sorry the thread and guild have fallen more to the wayside than I would like. OH and I had a terrible terrible sinus infection for over six months zapping my energy that I kept going to my doctor about but kept getting sent home. I have a lot of mysterious aches and pains and I doubt all of them are related to my back but my doctor is prone to just dismissing me out of hand. After I slept right through August (I literally have NO memory of August and that is terrifying) I decided a walk-in clinic was warranted and yup terrible rooted infection that I don't know if the anti-biotic has worked or if my house is just a bit stuffy since we closed the windows.
But anywho....
Large update, not a whole lot positive, I'm afraid. But I wanted to check in while I was at the guild.
I'm still around, for the record, if anyone wants to PM occasionally. I am still in the LI as well plugging away.I just can't keep everything I want to up.
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