Confessional

[Blackrose_Knight]

Shayne Indra

I've been fighting off suicide for about 2 weeks now, since my doctor changed my medication again.

Last night, I wanted to beat my children. Not spank them. Beat the ever living ******** out of them and leave them broken so they would be on the receiving end of what I found out last night they've been doing to others. I was careful to keep them out of arms reach of me and will continue to do so until the urge goes away.

This is why I sent them to live with their father when I broke 2 years ago. Yet because their father would let this pass with just an angry talking to, I HAVE to be the one to deal with it. I can't even take care of myself right now, I can't even bear the responsibility of making sure I shower every day without medication, I can't go outside without boy1 there to protect me and their father, because he's a loose jellyfish and wishywashy, can't deal with this properly to make sure they never beat another child again and I hate him a little for it. For not being strong enough to deal with this, and making me deal with it when I'm already broken down and ******** up.

1) Have you told your doctor that your medication adjust is doing this? Is this normal if you go up (or down)?
2) National and by state suicide hotlines  

[Chainmail and Sapphires]

Blackrose_Knight

Shayne Indra

I've been fighting off suicide for about 2 weeks now, since my doctor changed my medication again.

Last night, I wanted to beat my children. Not spank them. Beat the ever living ******** out of them and leave them broken so they would be on the receiving end of what I found out last night they've been doing to others. I was careful to keep them out of arms reach of me and will continue to do so until the urge goes away.

This is why I sent them to live with their father when I broke 2 years ago. Yet because their father would let this pass with just an angry talking to, I HAVE to be the one to deal with it. I can't even take care of myself right now, I can't even bear the responsibility of making sure I shower every day without medication, I can't go outside without boy1 there to protect me and their father, because he's a loose jellyfish and wishywashy, can't deal with this properly to make sure they never beat another child again and I hate him a little for it. For not being strong enough to deal with this, and making me deal with it when I'm already broken down and ******** up.

1) Have you told your doctor that your medication adjust is doing this? Is this normal if you go up (or down)?
2) National and by state suicide hotlines

Thanks, I don't know if those numbers work in Canada but you reminded me that they're out there.

He knows. We've spent the past month trying medication mixes to find the right mix for me to keep my depression under control and my anxiety mostly under control. I go to see him again after the weekend, to let him know how this round went.  

[Blackrose_Knight]

Shayne Indra

Blackrose_Knight

Shayne Indra

I've been fighting off suicide for about 2 weeks now, since my doctor changed my medication again.

Last night, I wanted to beat my children. Not spank them. Beat the ever living ******** out of them and leave them broken so they would be on the receiving end of what I found out last night they've been doing to others. I was careful to keep them out of arms reach of me and will continue to do so until the urge goes away.

This is why I sent them to live with their father when I broke 2 years ago. Yet because their father would let this pass with just an angry talking to, I HAVE to be the one to deal with it. I can't even take care of myself right now, I can't even bear the responsibility of making sure I shower every day without medication, I can't go outside without boy1 there to protect me and their father, because he's a loose jellyfish and wishywashy, can't deal with this properly to make sure they never beat another child again and I hate him a little for it. For not being strong enough to deal with this, and making me deal with it when I'm already broken down and ******** up.

1) Have you told your doctor that your medication adjust is doing this? Is this normal if you go up (or down)?
2) National and by state suicide hotlines

Thanks, I don't know if those numbers work in Canada but you reminded me that they're out there.

He knows. We've spent the past month trying medication mixes to find the right mix for me to keep my depression under control and my anxiety mostly under control. I go to see him again after the weekend, to let him know how this round went.

No worries. I was there once. Keep talking with your doctor you will find the right combo.  

[Chainmail and Sapphires]

Blackrose_Knight

Shayne Indra

Blackrose_Knight

Shayne Indra

I've been fighting off suicide for about 2 weeks now, since my doctor changed my medication again.

Last night, I wanted to beat my children. Not spank them. Beat the ever living ******** out of them and leave them broken so they would be on the receiving end of what I found out last night they've been doing to others. I was careful to keep them out of arms reach of me and will continue to do so until the urge goes away.

This is why I sent them to live with their father when I broke 2 years ago. Yet because their father would let this pass with just an angry talking to, I HAVE to be the one to deal with it. I can't even take care of myself right now, I can't even bear the responsibility of making sure I shower every day without medication, I can't go outside without boy1 there to protect me and their father, because he's a loose jellyfish and wishywashy, can't deal with this properly to make sure they never beat another child again and I hate him a little for it. For not being strong enough to deal with this, and making me deal with it when I'm already broken down and ******** up.

1) Have you told your doctor that your medication adjust is doing this? Is this normal if you go up (or down)?
2) National and by state suicide hotlines

Thanks, I don't know if those numbers work in Canada but you reminded me that they're out there.

He knows. We've spent the past month trying medication mixes to find the right mix for me to keep my depression under control and my anxiety mostly under control. I go to see him again after the weekend, to let him know how this round went.

No worries. I was there once. Keep talking with your doctor you will find the right combo.

I appologize for leaving the quotes, I'm on my phone and have 1 line at a time I can see to type. I think we've almost found it. If we put my anti-depressant back to 2 a day instead of 3, and then continue with the morning, night and spot anxiety meds, I should be good. My depression's been under control for months and then the morning I took 3 instead of 2, under his orders, I spiraled again. So I'm hoping this is the last visit.  

[Pom Graines]

Shayne Indra

Thanks, I don't know if those numbers work in Canada but you reminded me that they're out there.

He knows. We've spent the past month trying medication mixes to find the right mix for me to keep my depression under control and my anxiety mostly under control. I go to see him again after the weekend, to let him know how this round went.

Here are some helplines for across Canada. I can probably work with you to find one in your area/city if you'd like. There are crisis centers all over Canada as well that you can call or go in to for help.

I'm glad that you and your doctor are working towards a mix that will help you out. It's challenging for sure, I'm certainly in that process myself as well.

*hugs* Let me know if there is anything I can do.  

[Sparky the Panda]

Funny little story...
My friend's Facebook status: One is the loneliest number.
My comment: Two can be as bad as one...WHICH IS WHY POLYAMORY ROCKS! XD
The end.  

[White Trash Zombie]

Sparky the Panda

Funny little story...
My friend's Facebook status: One is the loneliest number.
My comment: Two can be as bad as one...WHICH IS WHY POLYAMORY ROCKS! XD
The end.

That was win.  

[Sparky the Panda]

Diabolical Eevee

Sparky the Panda

Funny little story...
My friend's Facebook status: One is the loneliest number.
My comment: Two can be as bad as one...WHICH IS WHY POLYAMORY ROCKS! XD
The end.

That was win.

Indeed it was.  

[twintailfox]

promised to resist falling for you failed miserably  

[Miss Malarkie]

+I whole heartedly regret telling that little pixie-stick that I was bothered by M&M's flirting. When I said bothered, I mean I didn't know how to react because I didn't know he was serious. (And I still kind of don't.) He's weird about it.
And now, because I opened my big mouth, because I said he wasn't my type (and he's not what I usually go for), he's stopped all online contact.
Which isn't bad, because I do know him offline (sort of), but I miss the messages.
I would rather have the awkward, facebook stalked comment of "You haven't been online in four days" instead of the silence.
And what's worse is? I've been getting really naughty dreams about him. ******** I knew, for certain, he wouldn't flip out and feel guilty later, I would have just flirted back.
But I told the *wrong* person and now have *wrong* consequences because of it. I need to fix this.

+I know when she fake!vomits at my partner, she's trying to convince herself she doesn't like him. I know her husband is super jealous, but I don't like the fake!gagging.
I also really don't like her posessiveness over my partner. I feel terrible about it, because I'm not the jealous person and I don't care- but she is and our alone time seriously bothers her. I don't want to ruin their friendship, but he's already called her out on this. I know if she asks him to choose, she will lose because he never picks the one that forces the choice. Part of me hopes it won't come down to this, but part of me hopes it will because it'll kill the big elephant in the room that no one talks about. I've tried explaining that he is her friend and I will never take that away, that I'm *not* jealous and I don't care if they go off and spend time together. Hell, they could be romantically involved and I honestly would be happy for them. She doesn't see it. She sees a threat.

+If I have to live with her for an extended period of time, we're going to kill each other. Period.

+I think she's faking everything. Okay, that's a bit harsh. Maybe not everything. But I've heard the Doctor's myself, I was in the room. Everything came back normal. I watched her cling to any bad news she got and ignore the good news. I don't know if she's doing it for attention, or what, but I hope whatever she's putting everyone through this for is worth it.

+I've gone from being incredibly sad, to having moments of panic where my life suddenly seems wrong, but now? Now I want nothing more than to punch that little troll in the face. Hard, with everything I've got. I want to break her nose and give her black eyes all in the same hit.
And here's a head's up: I *so* totally like Harry Potter more than her.

+I secretly ship Applejack/Rarity, but now maybe Apple Jack/Rarity/Fluttershy.

+There is no way I'm going to have the money in time for his trip. I'm screwed, but I don't want to let him down.

+I wish I had the guts to do stand-up comedy

+I think I might be an infantalist. I really, really hope these turn out to be tendencies in behavior from being molested as a child, and not an actual kink.  

[M00nbat]

Quote:

You're win and awesome, you're gorgeous, and I'm lucky to be with you, and you with me. But...your husband is creepy, and what you call him being 'cleaned up' would take me a week without showering and a month avoiding the razor to match. Plus he looks like he's drunk 24/7.

Also, I want to pick you up, slam you against the wall and not let you down until we've passed the point of no return...but you only ever come by when my wife is home, and that would be awkward. Can't you come over sometime when it's just the two of us?

 

[M00nbat]

It's eerie how sane I feel with no sleep in the past (48?) hours and consistent medication. If we up the dosage enough to keep the migraines at bay could I just stop sleeping? That could be pretty handy.

*edit*
So I got curious and did some further reading on my meds (I try not to do too much so I don't read into what I'm experiencing). Turns out that two of the three I'm taking for migraine treatment can cause insomnia, one of which is supposed to be actually helping with my problems sleeping as well. emotion_facepalm  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Despite my paranoia, depression, anxiety, and twitchiness, I haven't been on my medication since September, not because I really can't afford it, but I'm too lazy to go see a doctor when I should.

There are people I see in places every day, that I wish I could just go up to and say "You're awesome. I'd love to hang out sometime." But I don't know how to approach them, or even how to start a conversation with them.

I'm always afraid that everything I do and say is judged on poor terms.

When my soon-to-be stepfather died, I didn't feel anything. I still don't feel anything. His memorial is today, and I'm not attending because I can't take a thousand mile trip.

I always doubt myself, always critique myself too harshly, and I always tell myself off for the smallest things, because I'm afraid of success. That's why all of my relationships failed.

Throughout high school, I never once had to study for anything. I passed all of my tests with near perfect scores no matter the class, but I never did any homework and failed nearly eight classes. I only passed with the minimum number of credits that I needed.

I applied for federal student aid for college. I received confirmation on it three times. I never once replied.

I've tried to commit suicide many times in the past, and nearly succeeded twice. I have scars from most attempts.

I always put on a happy face, but you'd never know I was anything but unless you looked me in the eyes.

In the past three weeks, I have nearly died twice. Once after black Friday, having chest cramps, heart palpitations, and loss of consciousness from caffeine, lack of sleep, and stress; the second, this past week, suffering from aspiration pneumonia, severe bronchitis. and acute sinusitis. I still refuse to go to the hospital, because I can't afford the bills.

I can forget about something for weeks, never once paying attention to it if I have something else to do. This goes for people, games, books, or anything that may pass through my life.

...

And strangely, confessing any of this doesn't make me feel better; It just makes me feel like more of an awful person than I already am.  

[M00nbat]

Oral Steering Wheel

And strangely, confessing any of this doesn't make me feel better; It just makes me feel like more of an awful person than I already am.

The thing is, that you put these truths about yourself forward. We have this thread to mix confessions great and small, good and bad. We also have a subforum for personal threads, much like what you're already familiar with. Here, we may reply, or not, but know that we've all made our share of mistakes. We try to learn and grow. I see this guild as an extended family, one full of people that I might not meet, although there are some that I'm doing my level best to make it happen. In the end, you, I, and everyone else here are only human.

I read your talking about fear of success, coping with death in the family, suicide attempts. I see myself almost ten years ago. I've changed a fair bit since then, but I'm still the same at the core. You may not even be online by the time I finish posting this response, as I'm trying very hard to focus my thoughts from the multitasking I mentioned earlier.

I know it may not be something you've considered, and I certainly don't need the answer. But you may want to think on it. What do you want out of life?
"Success" comes in many forms. I was pointed at money and prestige, told that was what meant the person was successful. Honestly, I don't really care about that so much. I just want to live a simple life, be happy, and share what I have with those who are important to me. If I never buy a new car or own a big house, I'll be fine. I already know I'll have no children, but my two nieces are adorable and already setting out to conquer the world from what I've seen.
So, to me, my "success" is simply finding balance and being happy in life... What's yours?  

[Whiskey Sunshine]

Saew

The thing is, that you put these truths about yourself forward. We have this thread to mix confessions great and small, good and bad. We also have a subforum for personal threads, much like what you're already familiar with. Here, we may reply, or not, but know that we've all made our share of mistakes. We try to learn and grow. I see this guild as an extended family, one full of people that I might not meet, although there are some that I'm doing my level best to make it happen. In the end, you, I, and everyone else here are only human.

I read your talking about fear of success, coping with death in the family, suicide attempts. I see myself almost ten years ago. I've changed a fair bit since then, but I'm still the same at the core. You may not even be online by the time I finish posting this response, as I'm trying very hard to focus my thoughts from the multitasking I mentioned earlier.

I know it may not be something you've considered, and I certainly don't need the answer. But you may want to think on it. What do you want out of life?
"Success" comes in many forms. I was pointed at money and prestige, told that was what meant the person was successful. Honestly, I don't really care about that so much. I just want to live a simple life, be happy, and share what I have with those who are important to me. If I never buy a new car or own a big house, I'll be fine. I already know I'll have no children, but my two nieces are adorable and already setting out to conquer the world from what I've seen.
So, to me, my "success" is simply finding balance and being happy in life... What's yours?

I find that what I want out of life is comfort. Call it bad luck, bad karma in a past life, or just terrible coincidences, but I feel like I've never been given a break. But I look at it closer, and I see that it's just my own doing, having been so screwed out of everything I could have had. Recognition is good; but that's not what I want though. I want to be able to do things just to say "I did that." and be proud of my accomplishments. Long ago, my first ever ambition, was to run my own business. A coffee shop or a bakery, or both if I could have it. Then I turned towards psychology, wanting to know about how people worked. Now, I aspire to be a journalist of some kind, writing to inform and to entertain. I've achieved none of these goals. Success to me is having done the deeds you say you want to do. Not acting on your desires and leaving things to sit make me feel useless.

Learning comes from mistakes; but it comes from doing things right, too. If the only thing you make is mistakes, you get comfortable with it. At least, that's how it feels to me. I've become complacent with my mistakes, and though I try to learn from them, I always make another, somehow. I want to break free of it, I'd love to do something right. But it's not the sort of thing that feels right to me anymore.

I find that I have no special talents. But that doesn't stop me from trying to find what I am good at. I do some things well, I do some poorly; but there's nothing that just clicks with me, nothing that holds up and just goes. At least, nothing I have found yet. I was never comfortable with being average.

I think I may be veering off course, though. I can't tell.

I think that maybe, what I'm trying to get across, is that I've never really been ready to face things as they are. I find solace in trying, but I've never found success because I'm too comfortable with simply trying. I try, and I let it fall because I made the attempt.

Admittedly, it may also be a good idea to take this lengthy debate elsewhere.