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Quoth The Raven: "Nevermore"


Tyrese's room was still littered over with half unpacked camping equipment, several days sitting out and still saturated with the scent of sand and salt water. It was better than the floor having every square inch of itself covered by liquor bottles; he knew better for Sela's sake, and threw them away by the next morning. However, tonight there was one tipped over on his table beside a shot glass; it was a strong type of drink he didn't need than more of a cup of before his needs were met. The tv glowed into the room, reflecting off each glass He also used the most simple methods he could with the rest of his home as well, dishes in the washer and Sela's toys away an hour before bedtime. Sela's laundry was done on Sundays, his tended to linger while hanging on his bed posts and half way out of dressers. For the man Ty once was, it was horrendous.Tyrese only spent each of his days going with Sela to work on his building, which was currently under heavy renovation to become a bed and breakfast. Since it was his first business, built from the ground up (in a matter of speaking), he insisted on being hands on for the whole process. It would be opening today, he and his daughter could finally breath. Any emotional responses he mustered since that night almost a week ago were for her, to keep her going; besides the somewhat frequent but reluctant visits to Lysander with the girl in toe so she could be with family, and the work he did along side the renovation team, the wolf wasn't seen around other human beings with which he could have an emotional interaction. Yes, he called or textured Aubrey daily if she could make the time for it, but that didn't require more than words on his part. Ty spent most of any remaining time playing disk after disk of classic films while he sipped away at one alcohol or another, it was the only effective distraction from the inward, unhealable sever and the plaguing thoughts of Lil. He only tried not to give away the actual condition of his health with the fact he was now a clothing size smaller and an insomniac.

From the floor space in front of his couch where he'd fallen asleep, Ty was disturbed at a knocking he could clearly hear over the blare of his television; his mind was reluctantly pulled out of the lucid dream state he'd only just gotten to after having neglected to so much as close his eyes over the past two days. He jumped slightly at the sound, the jerk of his body signaling his eyes to snap open and look for the source of the now dead sound. His lips parted to inhale, his hand pulling itself through his hair before he gradually sat up, reasoning that the sound had come from the balcony of all places. Was he hearing wrong, imagining things? Perhaps Sela had knocked, seeing the light of his tv and attempting to make her way into his bed again. He peeked at the door, shaking his head after a brief pause and telling himself to get into his disheveled bed. And so he stood, his hands scrubbing dried tears and alcohol from his face as he shuffled to his mattress and fell onto it. Just from waking at all his body no longer let him rest, the alcohol having long exhausted it's buzz, leaving his body to realize the very thing it was trying to escape. Ty stared at the wall, his hand closing below his chest where the crack on his spirit began seeping with miasmic vapor that leaked into every nerve.

The memory of having ever heard a sound shifted to the back of his mind, his eyes fluttering shut again before a voice followed up the prior action. Ty lifted his head, eyes wide and frantic long enough for his heart to spassum in alarm, then skip a beat as it's owner registered the voice. No, now he really was imagining things. Pushing off from the matress, one brow curled in towards the other as the arthor faced the balcony. The moon highlighted the form of a person, a crimson glow piercing through the cover of sheer curtains enclosing his window. His breath caught as his feet kicked through the covers and gingerly slipped down to the carpet. "Lillian?" Was it a dream? A delirium? The wolf streched out his hand, slowly pushing aside the hanging material until the blonde was in view. His body kick started at that second, the male using both hands to shove open the glass doors. He stepped out with bare feet onto the tiled balcony surface, his shirt ruffling in a light breeze. It took a brief period of his eyes needing to blink rapidly before Ty leaned forward, his hand grabbing just above the blonde's elbow and the other sweeping her bangs back as he stared at her face speechlessly. What happened to her?! His heart cringed, his face contorting before he stepped closer.

"Lillian. A-...Are you okay?! Where have you been? Did you just get back?" He asked in breathy syllables, his voice weak and groggy. He looked her over, his hand falling to her other arm to keep her from pulling away. His heart drummed away anxiously, his mind suddenly swelling with everything that needed to be said; all the while, like water filling a cup, his body was accumulating every emotion he'd been seething in. His mouth finally stopped moving, his frame giving a small shiver at the cold. She looked like hell, worse than he himself. Where had she gone? And who did this to her? He knew Lysander said they'd be lucky if she came back alive, but Ty never understood or asked what that meant. He didn't know what she was getting herself into, hadn't expected she'd return like this. He wouldn't have asked her to do this to herself, for his forgiveness or any other reason. He could hate her if it were really possible, and yet would still never wish this on her. As mad as he should be, was somewhere just beneath the surface, he wasn't heartless. He was...he didn't even know what this emotion was to be seeing her standing right here without it being a dream. Where were they supposed to start ?





Out Of Chamomile:

Quoth The Raven: "Nevermore"


Tyrese let go and placed both his hands more gently when the blonde reacted in pain. He wasn't letting go otherwise, looking past the puzzled and stunned look in her eyes and squinting down at the cuts and bruises placed down to her neck, perhaps even further where he couldn't see. He could hear her heart, the way it was beating. In fact, between her expression and what he'd actually expected himself to do, he knew what she was thinking. 'If you think I'd be angry even after seeing you like this..' He frowned lightly, his blue orbs finding her face. "Then you still don't know how I feel about you..." He whispered. Unless she could read lips, then the words were lost on the wind. His eyes closed as his hair swayed to her touch, his lips thinning as her fingers reached his face. If he had to be honest then what he knew was...love and hate couldn't occupy the same space, and he just wasn't over her. That was why he spoke in present tense, she would always have meaning in who and what she was to him. He only wished, still, that he could disregard one set of emotions just to make this better. Less confusing, less painful, so he could know what he wanted.

Fine? She wasn't, but he would answer with the same dismissive attitude if the question was turned on him. Of course he still wanted to know how this happened, and if she was actually okay, but it would do.more bad then good to start pushing each other for answers. What home was she talking about that would put her in this condition? Both her parents were dead. The wolf only shook his head and sighed, letting her go when she moved his hands away from her person. He anticipated why she was here, guessing it was coming up now as he shuffled away from her and pressed the heel of his palm into the bridge of his nose. He didn't want to hear this right now, not after first seeing her. It was like being thrown right back into all the chaos. He rolled his shoulders and slumped against the frame of his sliding door, sitting and tilting his head half into the shadowed area of his bedroom. "Lillian, let's not turn this into a discussion. Please not today, maybe not even at all. We can just clear the air now, I can't keep lingering on this." There hadn't been tolerance for words when this first happened, and that was natural, but even now this wasn't a subject for calm discussion.

He was already feeling his throat restrict, being though in listening. The only thing that swirled through his mind was wanting to know why, and how she felt about him after all this; if those words of commitment and love were ones he could trust. Everything else felt sacrilegious, right now, in comparison. Because he dreamed of a future too. One he was scared of after her lies, but one he promised nonetheless. He crossed his arms, propping one leg and staring down at his lap. His face was destitute, protecting his own emotions. She left to improve herself, but he didn't suspect her next statements wouldn't be about herself in this situation. He rubbed his face, hand staying over his mouth and the thin layer of stubble over his jaw. He still listened, there could be something different this time around, something he needed to hear. He wanted to hear, not discuss, but hear. And hopefully they could come clean, completely so, like what was really needed to purge this relationship. His gaze faltered back to her face as she sobbed, her emotions collapsed momentarily. Hurting 'Us' was right. The whole universe that was theirs, was not. He tensed when those words almost fell from her lips, his shoulders slumping and face turning away as they halted after the first letter.

Whether she should be down on herself, or rather if he should let her be, he didn't know. He hadn't thought any of those things about her: that she was a disease, looming over him, a plague. It was true she hurt him and was wrong for it, repeatedly. Regardless, he hadn't yet formed if she'd held him back , couldn't make him happy if they tried. He didn't know. All he knew was what he felt, and even that was pulled in every direction. How she was when she broke up with him, and when she cheated on him, she didn't deserve him just like she said. At the same time, he understood some things about how that felt. How easy it was to mess up when you were upset and hurting enough. But what really broke him down, threw him into obstreperous tears, was hearing his own words turned back on him. From feeling guilty, and loving her beyond himself, and wanting her to love him, it was like his heart ruptured into everything he was holding in. He wanted her more than he could put words into, more than he could contain. He wanted to be, in her eyes, the entire universe; the air she breaths and the water she drinks. She was His all of all in existence, and it hurt just as deeply as the love itself. What were they supposed to do?




Out Of Chamomile:

Quoth The Raven: "Nevermore"


Tyrese heard what was being said to him and felt every touch given, but his body refused to be quieted until the last drop was emptied out of the basin of his lament. He cried through the anger burning the back of his throat like the pure alcohol he'd drank. Bitterness left a slimy residue coating his tongue like bile, betrayal constricting every organ it passed through. He felt the area in him throbbing where his imprint was torn out of him, right down the middle of his body. Didn't she feel that as well? His every cell was writing for relief, his body aching threatening to shift and his hands fumbling to occupy themselves with the hem of his shirt until they found his bare arm and clawed directly through his flesh. He shuttered, the wounds bleeding but his tears slowing as she pressed her forehead to his. The flesh wound helped him get a hold of himself, the wolf trembling as he inhaled and pulled out of Lillian's grip to sit up straight. He held up both hands as he got up, signalling for her to stay in place as he toddled inside. He briefly fingered a pack of cigarettes, but quickly decided they wouldn't help. Instead he took two shots of his alcohol, his hands bracing on the end of the table as he rocked back and forth on his knees. Aubrey crossed his mind and for a moment he craved her comfort and her scent in the pit of his stomach. It was like his mind and body didn't know how to process having Lillian back.

"Lillian." He called her inside, patting a place on the couch for her to sit before replacing his hand where it had been. Things weren't better despite her words, and he'd hoped and thought they would be. Only Lillian could make him feel okay, only she was the one he felt comforted by; he thought, but right now he still wasn't okay. He felt dulled on one end of himself. The wolf stared into the wooden surface of the table, just trying to think. "I don't want to talk about this. I only want things to go one way....I hope you said everything on your mind, I want to say everything on mine too. But after that, I don't want either of us to have to say anything else. Not to argue or plea or reason with one another. I don't know where I stand, so I want to be thinking clearly before we decide what the next step is." The bluenette explained, pausing as the last month played like a film reel in his memory. From the very moment Lillian told him she cheated, to yelling at her in the hospital, to finding her letter on his door step. His mind stopped at her very own twin taking his body as he willingly offered it up, his eyes locking onto Lillian's face.

He swallowed, took another shot, and passed her the glass after refilling it. Taking it was her choice. He inhaled, his mind and body oddly stilled and mellowed, numbed. "While you were gone I let my emotions throw me in every direction, I was barely giving Sela something stable to rely on. I did some things I'm not proud of and that I shouldn't have done. Things I'm going to have to apologize to you for once I tell them to you. You might want to wait on saying how much you want to be with me until you know." He raked his fingers through his hair, it felt dirty, but he hadn't washed it recently. He just had to get the truth off his chest. "Lillian, I already forgave you. I didn't just forgive you for your sake, I forgave you for my sake and Sela's sake. Because of what you did to me I let myself do a bunch of things I never would have before. I understand how being hurt can misconstrue your thinking and make those things seem okay. So I see how you thought I abandoned you, and in essence I did, even if I didn't mean it that way. I get how you blamed me. Even so, I made my choices. I wish I listened to the better part of my mind and avoided it, but I didn't. That's why I wish you wouldn't keep labeling everything as a mistake; then again maybe it was a mistake for you, I won't label it how I want just because I'm mad."

He wiped his face with his shirt, sniffling quietly but staying focused on the blonde's face. "Somehow I still have it in me to do it all again: Get down on my knees, cry into your lap and forgive you without you even needing to apologize. For some reason I accept the unforgivable things you do to me, in part because I was raised that way. I wasn't taught that my woman was supposed to lift me up rather than tear me down, my own mother always tore me down so that's all I knew from relationships. The other part of me also doesn't want to be someone who can't forgive. You made me feel loved too, I wont say you never have. I love you so much I feel transcendent beyond myself, like I can feel the whole universe and it rotates around you. Only you. But, then you do something that breaks me. And this, this has completely devastated and ravaged everything I've ever believed about us. You left my emotions homeless and seeing every memory, every moment with you as an empty lie. It might not be that way, or maybe this proves it is even if you do feel other wise. I don't know anymore. I imprinted on you, that's why I can't move on from this so easily, but I do love you and forgive you. I just don't know if I can be with you again."

The tv flickered to the menu screen of his DVD, beginning to loop the same twenty seconds of music as he spoke. "I can't help but feel like letting myself be with you again will render my existence as valueless, whether we even up happy or not, because I let a woman victimize me so many years ago and then I let you hurt me years later; like I'm not good enough to look for more when I know I deserve better. I don't know if I can give love back to you again, or if I'll be the one to ruin everything on the next time because I'll doubt every move you make. That's no way to have a relationship or to raise a daughter together. I love you, I'm always going to love you, but I don't know how healthy of a partnership we can create anymore. Part of me is still so angry, and hurt, that I can't feel just one thing anymore. I want to go back to only loving you, so I think we should try that after we take a good long break from one another. I can't respect myself after I betrayed myself by doing some of the things I did because of how I'm hurting." He shook his head once more, tears silently staining his face again. Just look at him, what a mess he was because of this. He couldn't be, didn't want to be, this person. Like Lillian said, she might have to give him up so he could be happy.

His head lulled into one hand, "I'm sorry I wanted to forget you while you were gone. We're not imprinted anymore because of me, even though it wasn't what I had been trying to do or what I thought would happen. That part of me was ripped out, its the price I paid for wishing I could hate you. I'm so, so sorry...I slept with Lysander when you left. I regret making that decision, but I was desperate to stop hurting in any way I could. I'm sorry, Lillian." He pushed his hair back, sitting on the back of his legs and exhaling deeply once he got it out. Their positions were reversed and he hated it, but what was done was done. She could decide if they could be friends while raising Sela. Anything else would depend on time and its ability to heal, then they could make a proper decision about what to do. For now, they both had to have everything on the table. He wasn't going to tell her he kissed Aubrey, but that was to protect Aubrey.




Out Of Chamomile:

Tyrese expected explosive anger, to be honest. Not because he'd all but lost his s**t when it was her in this position, but because he deserved it. No, she and he weren't in a relationship, nor were he and Lysander related, but he had still slept with her flesh and blood twin. And honestly? Her silence and lack of expression were a lot more intimidating than her monstrous strength with a temper to match. The wolf lowered his head, his hand resting on the back of his neck as he sighed. At any moment she'd reiterate how wrong it was too seduce and married man, and her relative. Rather, the author looked up as Lillian scurried past him and slammed the door behind her. His face filled with confusion, getting himself up and sitting on the couch, his body turned at the waist to stare towards the door. He winced as he heard the blonde heaving whatever substance was in her stomach, debating going to help her. He hesitated, grabbing the last shot and throwing it down his throat before getting to his feet. Trying to explain would be useless.

The door opened before he made a move, and Tyrese was utterly puzzled by what was coming out of her mouth. She was telling him he was right?! He frowned, brows pushed together as his gaze danced across her face. It was when he opened his mouth that it hung down in shock instead of producing words. She was pregnant? His hand fled to his mouth, his body sinking against the couch as his legs grew weak. No, she said 'was' meaning past tense. Ty slumped further down in his seat, his shoulders tense as several emotions alternated having dominance over his expression. When? He'd used protection every time except....the very first time when they saw each other again. "Oh God..." That was...Well, had she been two weeks along? Unless it had been Jas-....He couldn't even finish that thought. However, he didn't understand the female body and couldn't comprehend this. If she had been carrying another one of his children, then what happened to it? Had it been the stress of their argument? "Lillian, I'm sorry that happened. I didn't know or I wouldn't have yelled at you."




Out Of Chamomile:

Tyrese rubbed both hands down his face, teetering his head back and blinking up at the ceiling. Everything happens for a reason, doesn't it? This wasn't good, but they were learning something important about life here. They had better start living their lives with more conscious of how their actions affected those around them; they should have known that sooner with Sela depending on them as parents. He turned away from the look Lillian had given him when she corrected his thoughts about who the father would have been. He believed her, but what did it matter now? Who knew if they would ever be together again to have another baby. Ty closed his eyes, listening to the blonde go on as the alcohol he'd drowned began to sink in. "That's good, Lillian. If you needed help then I'm glad you got what you needed. I know it's hard to do that." He hadn't liked seeing a therapist but it had been good for him in the end, he was a better person for it.

The wolf got up, walking over the Lillian and directing her back to the couch before sitting beside her. He lifted her chin encouragingly, flashing a small tired smile before crossing his legs and folding his arms. "The things that happened are my fault. I went to a bar and drank way too much, and when I went home I saw your car in his driveway. I rushed over like an idiot thinking he was you, and said a bunch of things to him that I wanted to say to you. He burst my bubble pretty quickly." Tyrese explained, biting the inside of his lip. "So I jumped onto what I thought was the next best thing, and regretted it. I swear it wasn't for revenge, he said what I wanted to hear-" He paused and sighed, "He didn't have to do much convincing, I'd already decided I was going to do it anyway. I was the one who came onto him, I'm at fault. So," He knew Lysander wouldn't say no, so he didn't stop himself either.

"Its obvious we both need this separation to get our heads on straight. I'll be opening my business today, so I'll probably be too busy to take Sela any days except the weekends until everything settles down there. I recommend we see some new people, too." He rubbed his jaw, saying what he had to say about what he thought was best. They were over right now, he was supposed to meet a girl tonight for a blind date. He had to pull it together, for real this time. "Maybe a new beginning will make us realize where we're meant to be, and with who. I hope we can stay friends, no matter what."




Out Of Chamomile:

Tyrese leaned forward, one arm crossed over his knee so he could see into her face. He wiped away the tear that was there. "I'm sorry. Even if we weren't, arent together, that shouldn't have happened. All I'm trying to say is the only 'us' we need right now is Sela. We'll work this out one day." But right now it wasn't worth the gamble. His point was, they were both screwing up this relationship at this point. They needed a break, or perhaps they needed different paths altogether. It hurt him too. His hand left her face and she got up, he did the same as he noted her tone. Things couldn't just fall into place after an apology, not after five apologies or even a thousand in these situations. She cheated on him, hue slept with her brother. What did they think could happen? Tyrese even wondered why he hadn't gotten angry at all at her, why instead he felt responsible for her even now. But he wouldn't let it stay that way, his hands were clean and with this so was she.

He followed her to the door, side-stepping her and using his arm to block the door. "No, I'm prepared to keep her today, I doubt I'll have throngs of people rushing to get inside my hotel. You shouldn't go to work either, don't you see yourself? Right now you only need to be doing what's good for you. I'll bring Sela by your place later." He got in front of her, giving her the same look she'd given him when he thought Jason was the father of their unborn kid. That was an issue he'd deal with later. "And what are you doing anyway? There's nothing wrong with my front door, and obviously you're sick."




Out Of Chamomile:

"Don't be so stubborn." Tyrese retorted just as quickly as he could utter the words after she told him he was being overdramatic. He knew she was always the fighting type, but there was a limit. If she was going to be snippy and blow him off now, now that he'd said he didn't want a relationship, then she was already being a hypocrite. Or was this how she planned on letting him go, so he could be happy. He didn't like how these things had to happen either and he didn't know how they were going to act with one another, but it would certainly be in a mature way for once. She was so hardheaded! " 'Getting better' is a higher priority than all of those things, stop treating it like you have nothing more than a paper cut. Sinclair will understand and help make arrangements for himself. I can plan Sela's birthday and put her in school, you can confirm the details. And I cleaned your house already. Everything. Else. Can. Wait."

He paused, looking at her somewhere between suspicion and disappointment. Tortured. How surprised could he be, he could see the condition she was in. He was obviously taken aback by her asking him to just move. He still had to care, she wasn't nobody to him just because they weren't together. He locked his jaw, rubbing the back of his neck and sighing through his nose. "I can't stop you, Lillian. But tell you what. I'm going to put off opening my hotel until tomorrow. Send Sinclair to pick up Sela, she's been unhappy not seeing you for this long. If things get crazy, I'll be able to come get her." He moved out of her way, picking up his alcohol and putting it away in his closet. He had to start getting ready for other things. "Sela had a long day at the zoo yesterday, you shouldn't worry about waking her up. Just take it easy today, Lillian. Alright?" He grumbled, grabbing some clothes and disappearing into his bathroom.




Out Of Chamomile: