|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 4:50 pm
Corrected Damien sighed deeply, his coat jacket was thrown over his shoulder his other hand in his pocket. "I'm positive that I screwed up that interview," he said inaudibly, not directing it toward anyone but himself (To himself is less wordy.). Hearing the ding of the subway's doors opening he stepped inside quickly, taking (and took) the first seat near him. He looked around, finding only an eldery (elderly) man and a pair of admorous (did you mean amorous – passionate, affectionate?) teens sharing the ride with him. The door's (doors) closed with a soft click as the train rattled slightly. I wonder what I could have done to impressed (impress) my interviewer more? Maybe if I looked nicer, or had a better resume. Grimacing (comma) he recalled his worse (worst) mistake out of the whole process. Or maybe if I didn't plow him down when I was entering his office. I can't believe I set everything he had in his hands flying and I dropped all of my stuff. That was just a nightmare. His thoughts were interested (What does this mean?) when he felt the buzz of his cell phone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone. Wait, this isn't my phone. Whose is this? How did I get it? Like a movie reel, he replayed the events that happened today slowly, dissecting each scene in his head carefully(Dissecting indicates care and attention to detail, carefully is redundant). When I collided with him, I must have picked up his phone and he must have picked up mine. He looked around, half expecting everyone to be looking at him, but the old man was busying himself with his newspaper while the couple were paying too much attention to each other to notice anything. The phone buzzed again in his hand as Damien glanced down at the caller ID. His eyes widen as (don’t need as. Replace as with a comma to read smother.) he knew this number, as (don’t need as) it belonged to one of his closest and dearest friends. He about (did you mean he was about to flip it open?) flipped it open when he stopped himself. Why would she be calling him? She told me she didn't know anyone in the company who could help me. He pondered about opening the phone, to hear his friend's voice, to expose her for the double-faced soul she was. He was taking this decision as seriously as if he was (your switch tenses here. Replace with as if he were disarming a bomb) suppose to disarm a bomb. Slowly he opened the phone as he heard (replace as he heard, with a comma after phone and hearing) his friend on the other end. He heard (Replace he heard with there were) a few mumbled words of greeting before he ended the call. He quickly punched in his cell phone number, "Hello...Mr. Ramsey...I think I have something of your." (should be yours) Overall not bad, your biggest problem from this is that you need to read over what you write before submitting it. Try re-reading out loud to catch anything that sounds off or misplaced.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:48 pm
Corrected Ryan's footsteps echoed softly (echoed off of what? Since no setting was clearly given you should supply what is in the character’s surroundings) as he crunched through the snow. He was going toward the lake since Aneila was skating like (like should be as here. This would be suitable if you were talking face to face with someone.) she always did on days like today. He was mumbling under his breath (use a comma or and after breath) holding a package wrapped in brown paper and tied with string, "Aneila...I didn't know you would be here, but I have something for you." He shook his head. "No, that won't work." (You should start a new paragraph here) The sounds of someone guilding (gliding) on the ice hit his ears. Aneila… (If this is a thought, it should be italicized) He moved a little quicker, but quieter as he watched Aneila paratice (practice) from behind the oak tree closest to the lake. Her white sweater contrasted with her dark hair, which she kept in a ponytail to keep her hair (use it here. Using hair sounds repetitive) out of her eyes. Her hazel eyes were distant, but focused (her eyes cannot be both, she’s either focused or not. You can reword it so that she was not focused on her surrounds as but her technique) on her (her should be the) task at hand. He smiled as he saw (her?) jump gracefully into the air, spinning like a top, and landed (land not landed) flawlessly. Ryan walked out from his hiding place, about to shout a greeting to her. But his eyes widen with shock as he saw her disappear underneath the surface of the ice. Oh god... (If this is a thought, it should be italicized) He heard her yell for help, but he knew he was the only one there to help her. His package laid (this should be lay) forgotten in the snow as he quickly removed his coat and dove into the water(I’m assuming that where she fell in is not close to the oak tree that he was behind. Always keep in mind the character’s orientation so their actions and movements are not out of place). The icy water almost placed (sent reads better here than placed) him into shock, but he was too focused on saving Aneila to stop. He was able to wrap one arm around Aneila's waist as he pulled both of them to the surface. He somehow managed to pull her out of the water and back onto the snowy ground. (New paragraph) As soon as the water hit the air it froze, causing his skin to breakout in goosbumps. He held her close to his body, "Aneila! Aneila, are you okay!?" She was probably in shock (If this is a thought, it should be italicized). He grapped (grabbed?) his coat and wrapped it around her body. (you can combine these two sentences with a comma after body, it flows better) He held her close again, scared by how violently she shook against him. I have to help her. He picked her up, holding her like she was a fragile work of glass, tightly against his body. The wind howled against his frame, but moved in the direction of the closest house he knew. (Consider combining and/or rephrasing these sentences, separately, they don’t read well. Try “He picked her up gingerly in his arms, a fragile work of glass, and pressed her impossibly closer to the warmth of his body. With the wind howling around them he moved in the direction of the closest house he saw.) His arms were going heavy and his legs were sore and stiff, but he thruged (I’m assuming you mean trudged) forward. His eyes could barely adjust to the soft glow of lights. (What soft glow of lights? Has it gotten dark?) He collapsed (collapsed) shortly after someone (Where did this person come from?) remove (removed) her from his arms, but across his face he was smiling softly, knowing that Aneila was alright. Creativity: 3 Spelling & Punctuation: 10 Organization: 12 Focus: 12 Character: 5 Setting: 5 Action: 3
Creativity: The assignment is very open so you could have taken the story anywhere. This also applies to word and sentence choices and variation.
Character: We know very little about Ryan. We know only that he wore a jacket which he wrapped Aneila in. We don't know how he looks, his thoughts, feelings or motivations. There were no descriptions of your character.
Setting: There were no descriptions of their surroundings. Needs detail.
Action: Very little done to paint picture of Aneila falling though the ice, which is the climax of the assignment.
-Like: Refrain from writing as though speaking face to face to another person. This is acceptable, however, if the character is speaking to another character.
-Your misspellings can easily be caught by spellchecker or by re-reading what you write.
-There was no word limit to this assignment so you had more than enough room to describe Ryan, the weather and the lake, Aneila on the ice. We don't know until the end that no one else was around or that there were any houses anywhere. Don't limit yourself.
-The most critical description that you missed was that of Aneila falling though the ice. I could not feel Ryan's desperation, worry or fear for her safety. I didn't notice very much him casting off his own well being for the sake of her own. There was A LOT you could have done with that moment alone.
-The next most critical description that you missed is when he pulled her (and himself) from the icy water. He could have had difficulty pulling himself out after pushing her sodden body from the water. The ice could have broken off more making it even harder to save her and himself.
-I noted paying attention to where your character's orientation. What I mean is that you need to supply the trivial act of your character moving from one place to another. This way your character isn't randomly teleporting. Though that is a plausible scenario since I didn't restrict your character to being human wink
-At the very end a person randomly appears to help him. Where did he come from? Did they make it to the house? Minor information like this is necessary to round out your writing. It seems you tossed in the last few sentences to be finished with the assignment 
----------------
Now playing: Jeff Dunham - Achmed the Dead Terrorist
via FoxyTunes
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 4:48 pm
Corrected "...I can't accept." My heart fluttered as I said that, my gaze fixed on the floor. Thoughts hammered in my head, as my pulse accelerated at a dangerous pace. He looked at me, trying to look into my eyes, and asked, (you moved his speech to a new line this comma should be a period. Otherwise his speech should continue in the same line.) "Why not? We've been together for almost two years now."
My eyes still on the floor, I thought to myself, (If the following is a new line this sentence should end with a period not a comma. If not move the following up to continue the sentence.)
Did I really waste two years of my life?
How was I going to say that I never meant for this to go on. Not this far.
"Sarah, answer me. Why don't you want to marry me?" (This could all be one paragraph) Impaitence (impatience) tinted his voice, a twitch of his cheek showed me that his anger was beginning to proliferate. Sighing, he ran his hand through his dark hair. I let my eyes move up, taking him in. Tall and lanky, dark and moody, is this what I spent two years of my life with? "Because, David, I didn't think we would last this long. I didn't think I was going to let a one month relationship turn into two years." I looked away, my cheeks burning. I was tired of letting him get what he wanted. "Sarah."
He whispered my name, and I looked up, meeting his eyes. A sad sort of pity filled me, and I regretted my words. He continued, in a small voice, the red box still on the table.
"I wanted you since I saw you for the first time. I wanted you all to myself. I never thought whether if you wanted me." (This could all be made into one paragraph). With that, he stood, taking the red box, and without looking at me said, (you moved his speech to a new line this comma should be a period. Otherwise his speech should continue in the same line.) "I'll be gone by tomorrow." And he left. I sat there, in the kitchen, my head buried in my hands, and all I could think was Finally.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 7:46 pm
Corrected I looked at the sparkling diamond ring sitting comfortably in the red box. My heart was hammering madly. "Will you marry me?" He asked me expectantly. I stared at him, speechless. I didn't love him at all. "No, I'm sorry..." I stared at the one that loved me, remorse spreading through my heart as I watched him absorb what I had just said. I could see the betrayal in his eyes, the pain of rejection spreading through his body like the slowest of poisons. The excess moisture in his eyes trickled down his cheeks. He appeared breathless, leaving his mouth agape as if he couldn't remember how to close it. Suddenly, I couldn't see out of my own eyes anymore. I rose out of my seat. I had to get out of small restaurant. The guilt I suffered was unendurable, yet somehow I knew his pain was even worse than mine. Even rejecting the one who truly loved me, I wasn't heartless. My hands trembling, I cupped his face and kissed him gently on the cheek. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, knowing the simple apology couldn't be nearly enough. I turned to leave, but he caught my arm. "Wait," he commanded, his voice breaking in agony. "I can't," I said softly. I was looking away now. I couldn't bear to see his face. Several other people were staring in our direction. I felt blood rise into my cheeks. There had to be an escape. I looked around the room, scanning for the closest door. I found it, yet I couldn't run; his hand still firmly gripped mine. It seemed I was going to have to hurt him. "Let me go, John. It could never work. I don't love you..." The line worked. His hand fell to his side, and I took advantage of the opportunity. I ran out of the exquisite restaurant, never looking back.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Nov 19, 2008 6:02 pm
Correction Panting from exertion, Chay propped himself against one wall, allowing him a brief repose to catch one good lungful of air. I’m close to the end. Very close. I can feel it. He lifted up (up is redundant because you can’t lift something down xD) one hand, adorned with a single garnet (garnet what? I’m assuming stone but you should state that), and drew power from its core. Once he had enough, he sent it out in a low pulse, waiting for an echo to show him where his enemies were. There’s (this should be there are. ‘There is’ is singular and the subject is ‘enemies’ which is plural) three of them up ahead, two close enough to engage. The other one won’t be able to reach me by the time I reach the door. Taking one last breath, he bolted down the hallway, reaching for the raw power in the depths of the ring. The two soldiers turned to Chay, (take out the comma, you don’t need a pause here) but he was ready for the spears. He brought his hand up and a whirlwind materialized in front of him, knocking the spears aside. Another gesture, and the whirlwind slammed the guards to opposite sides of the passageway, and (you can take out this ‘and’ here, it’s not entirely necessary) he took the opportunity to dart between them. He caught a glance of the other guard, but he turned into the connecting hall and saw the door right in front of him. He was ready to throw the door open, burst through, and claim his reward, when he felt the air shift in an odd direction. He glanced over his shoulder and saw the soldier at the end of the hall, with a longbow. Saw the arrow coming towards him before he felt it pierce his heart. “You’ve failed.” Chay swore under his breath and turned to (in the direction…) the direction of the voice. “What kind of soldier would have a bow indoors?” he yelled, pointing at the illusionary arrow sticking through his chest. It was eerie, but only felt cold (what feels cold? It refers to the arrow but the second part of the sentence has a different subject but it’s unclear, be careful with that) as he passed his hand through it. He heard the Gatekeeper sigh before his surroundings faded from view, leaving a wizened man in a plain black robe. “Chay. This training is to make you adapt quickly to unusual situations. You do well in infiltration and your use of magic is varied and practical, but you always underestimate the opponent. Until you can pass through my trials to my satisfaction,” he let the arrow fade from existence (existence sounds weird here, like you’re trying too hard. Away would have been sufficient and wouldn’t sound out of place), “you will never become one of the castle’s battle mages.” Chay winced and looked away, brushing sweat from his brow. The Gatekeeper strode to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. “I know how much this means to you, but you aren’t ready. But you do show some promise, and you’re making excellent progress. Take a few more years in the Academy and then--“ “I can’t stand the Academy,” Chay roared, shrugging the shoulder (hand not shoulder) off. “All they teach is boring theory.” He held his fist in the Gatekeeper’s face, bringing the ring into prominence (Again you’re trying too hard and prominence is not the right word her. The sentence reads as though you want to say he’s bringing the ring into clearer view but prominence doesn’t mean that. Review your word choices). “This was given to me so I can fight. I want to fight the Relians. I want to…” He let the rest of the sentence fade. Saying the rest would only bring memories, and he didn’t want to cry and look weak in front of the Gatekeeper. "Want to what? Avenge your father? Chay," he sighed, "Your father wouldn't want you to do this for revenge. A battle mage has to give up a lot and..." He stopped, seeing the shaking, clenched fists. "Okay, I understand. I'll pass you." Chay perked up. "But you can't do any solo work for three months. After that, you take the test again. If you succeed, then you'll be a fully-fledged battle mage." "Thank you." It felt like (like is for conversation not in writing. Replace like with as though) his heart was going to burst out of his chest, but Chay was able to keep (replace ‘was able to keep’ with kept) his face calm. The Gatekeeper gave a small smile and commanded, "Go back to the barracks. It'll be about three days before I'll send you out." Chay bowed solemnly and forced himself to walk out of the testing room. Once the door closed behind him, he ran all the way to the barracks, all the way thinking, I did it. I did it. I DID IT!-You need to review your word choices; a number of the words were out of place and didn’t fit the writing. -There are very few issues with this writing sample and this is the way you should write in RPs
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
