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 Posted: Wed Nov 10, 2010 6:39 pm
Those are hilarious! rofl
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Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:25 pm
I didn't get Alvinette's. o.o
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Posted: Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:05 pm
Ric_PT I didn't get Alvinette's. o.o Have you ever seen the musical, "The Sound of Music"? One of the songs in it goes, "The hills are alive.... with the sound of music..." It's a very pretty song. If you haven't seen it, you should really watch it. And, just to warn you, it's a very long movie.
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Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:22 pm
Yes, and as Chibi said, it's a MUSICAL. I emphasize that because I know that some people avoid musicals like some dread disease. I don't actively avoid them, but they're not my favorite either.
Okay, here's another one:
Second-grade teacher Miss Smith was having her students take turns reading a story out loud one day when they came across the word "definitely" in a sentence. Since some of the kids hadn't heard the word before, Miss Smith was trying to explain what "definitely" meant. When she finished explaining, she decided to test the kids' grasp of the definition by having them use it in a sentence. Little Kenny raised his hand and said, "They sky is definitely blue."
Miss Smith responded, "That's not necessarily true, Kenny. Sometimes the sky can be gray or even red."
Little Megan raised her hand and said, "Trees are definitely green."
Miss Smith answered, "It's true that the leaves on many trees are green, Megan, but the trunks are usually different shades of brown, and even the leaves on a lot of trees change colors in the fall, so it really isn't right to say that trees are definitely green."
Then another little kid, Stevie, raised his hand and asked, "Miss Smith, when you pass gas, is it lumpy?"
"That's disgusting, Stevie, and no. Why?"
"Because then, Miss Smith, I have DEFINITELY pooped in my pants!"
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 3:24 pm
blaugh heart
Excelllent!
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talkw ith the minister at the local church.
"Reverend," she said,"I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. what should I do?"
"I have an Idea," said the minister."Take this hat-pin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. when i motion, You give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work.
"And who made the Ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones
"JESUS!" Jones cried, as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hat-pin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"GOD!" Mr.Jones cried out, as he was stuck again with the hat pin. "Right again," Said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hat-pin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "YOU STICK THAT GODDAMNED THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR a**!!!"
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 7:14 pm
rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl
But, for the record, Adam and Eve only had three sons: Cain, Abel, and Seth. At least, those are the only ones recorded in the Bible. 3nodding
Okay! Here's a semi-dirty one for you! heart
A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.
The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine/sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 11:50 am
Oh man, those are hilarious! rofl rofl And...CHIBI! Sweet, innocent little Chibi! eek
I can't think of any more right now. Let me think for a while.
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 7:06 pm
Mademoiselle Alvinette Oh man, those are hilarious! rofl rofl And...CHIBI! Sweet, innocent little Chibi! eek I can't think of any more right now. Let me think for a while. I was actually just being lazy. I googled computer jokes, and that joke was at the top of the list. I was too lazy to read the others. Need... sleep.... xp
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Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:42 pm
Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
A bloke wins the lottery and decides to buy himself a Harley Davidson, he goes down to his local bike shop and after purchasing a top of the range bike, the owner of the shop tells him to coat the bike in Vaseline every time it looks like raining. That night he goes and picks his girlfriend up on his new toy and heads over to her parents house for the first time. As they arrive there, she explains to him that whenever they have dinner, don't talk.
"If you talk," she tells him, "you have to do the pots." The man is astounded as he walks into the house as it is a complete mess. Anyway, the family all sit down for dinner not saying a word. The man decides to take advantage of the situation by groping his girlfriend's tits, yet there is not a sound from anyone.
So he decides to shag his bird on the table, and still there is not a word. He then proceeds to do his girlfriend's mum over the table, but still, amazingly, there's not a word from anyone. Just at that moment he notices the rain on the kitchen window and remembers his precious motorbike, so he reaches into his pocket and flops the Vaseline out.
At which point his girlfriend's dad leaps up and shouts, "Okay! Okay! I'll do the f@#king pots!"
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Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 1:18 am
XD LOL I like the skiing one... It actually reminds me of someone I know.
O-o I'm not good with grapes but they're always interesting to listen too~
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Posted: Fri Dec 31, 2010 4:57 pm
I liked both of them, although it did take me a minute to figure out the skiing one. blaugh
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Posted: Sat Jan 01, 2011 5:24 pm
A man walks into a bar, late one night completely worn out and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskeys.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his light in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your flashlight!"
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There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,
"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man'."
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Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Sam says to her, "Becky, I was wondering - have you ever cheated on me?"
Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."
"Three? Well, when were they?" he asked.
"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my l ife. I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. So, all right then, when was number 3?"
"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short..?"
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dewshine_angel Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 6:07 am
Was browsing the Bob & Tom website and came across this joke, it's slightly raunchy, enjoy!
The Mathmatician
One afternoon a professor of mathematics sent an e-mail to his wife that said, "Overall, I am happy with you as a wife, but as a man I have certain needs, and given that you are 54 years old now, you are no longer able to satisfy those needs. Subsequently, I will be spending the evening at a hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I hope you will understand. I still love you, and I will be home by midnight."
In response his wife sent him an e-mail that said, "I received your e-mail and I understand. I too will be at a hotel with our 18-year-old pool boy. And being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you will surely realize that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18, so please don't bother to wait up."
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2011 9:36 am
dew- Excellent! blaugh
This ones a little messed up, but I found it online and it's too ridiculous not to share:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
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And I like this one much better than that one:
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
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There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
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last one for now:
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I am here!"
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Posted: Thu May 12, 2011 6:54 pm
I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".
I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "And where do you think you're going?"
She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"
_____________________
Still funny, years later. xD
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