Welcome to Gaia! ::

It's okay -hugs-
We'll work something out in the end.
We're going to go very slow with this either way. I don't think either of us is really ready to make a decision, so we're going to think it over until we're positive.

And as much as I love both of them, and as much as it may hurt, if I have to remain monogamous I will.
So...I hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm willing to do it.

Don't feel bad at all for posting so much! I'm glad that the guild is being used for what t was meant for! So just keep posting until you don't need or want to anymore, no need to feel bad about that XD

Hm, perhaps T had already thought of such possibilities? Maybe he thinks that sharing is better than nothing at all, or maybe the idea genuinely appeals to him -perhaps he was polyamorous and didn't think about it until the subject came up? Either way don't worry too much since he's on board, as long as you make sure to tell him your situation with C (that you're going to take it extremely slow and you're still talking to him about it and nothing is set in stone yet).

Just remember good clear communication is key to a healthy relationship regardless of configuration smile

You seem to have a level head on your shoulders and you seem to be very caring, that goes a long way. smile Good luck in future talks with C.

Waahh! Sorry it took so long to reply to you Da-Eh!!

The problem with this is it may take a long time for him to process the information. Talk to him once again, but set a date in the future for him to sort out what he is feeling about this situation (a few weeks, a month, chose something that will work for you both). Tell T that you've set a date and that if he could wait for that time to roll around to get a definite answer. That way T isn't waiting indefinitely and C can't just put it out of his mind hoping it will go away.

Encourage him to talk to you and look at various resources you've found and maybe even talk to others (poly and not) about the situation and about how he's feeling because it may help him sort it all out.

and now...I don't even know what's going on.
Things didn't work out between this other girl, so now he's back on me? I don't want to be a second choice, but he said that it wasn't. He said that he still loved me in a way.
So, um, I don't know.

But I guess we're just going to see what happens in the future?
I don't know. This situation is so confusing. gonk

It's okaaay! heart
Yeah, I'm very skeptical. I asked him if he loved me, and he said, "I still do, but I've come to accept that it's not going to work out between us." but he still wants me to come visit him? He also says things like, "I wish it was just a money thing, because I'd pay to fly you down here." So, I'm still just legitimately confused. I don't know what his deal is, but I'm treading carefully.

The other girl, I understand, had a boyfriend. So he was in love with her, but she was in love with her boyfriend. So apparently he told her about his feelings, accepted that they weren't going to be returned, and then stopped talking to her.
I got very worried because he became very suicidal, and I even considered driving down there with C (but I eventually decided that having C down there would not be fun for either of them.)
Now he seems to have stabled out. :/ but I'm still very worried.

Thank you very much for your reply. I'll keep talking with C and T, and I'll post any updates.

Thank you very much for the kind words <3

Yeah, when I brought it up with C, my boyfriend, I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew there was a very high chance that he would deny it, and not want any part of it, so I was prepared to back off from the idea of Polyamory, and stay Monogamous for him.
And it was really hard to do it, too, yeah. I felt soo awful for feeling like that, after being with him for so long. I'm also discovering that finding Polyamorous people is very difficult.
I don't know you at all, but I'm sure you're not chicken-s**t. If I wasn't, then you aren't. It's really hard to remember that, though. I still beat myself up over it a lot.

Ever since T broke it off with me, I've been so incredibly lonely. I wasn't really *in* a Polyamorous relationship, but I guess I got almost a taste of what one could be like? So I'm just...yearning for it again. It's just a really lonely feeling, and I'm not sure how to cope with it. :/

I'd be wary about committing to staying with him for a month after all of this. Especially if C will be being left behind, it seems to me like a fairly big step (not to mention you'd probably have other obligations to think about work/school/ect). I wouldn't say don't go see him at all but maybe start with a shorter period of time? A week or so and go from there?

And as for the rest of it: be sure not to be coerced into a relationship just because he has had suicidal thoughts. Advise and offer for him to go get the professional help he needs, and assure him it's not a shameful thing to do, but if you want to go into the relationship because 'he needs you' and for that reason alone that more often than not causes problems down the line. If he is seriously suicidal then he really should look into getting some help, it may take time to find a therapist or counsellor that works with him but from someone who has been down that road sometimes the ear and aid fro ma therapist is what can make a world of difference even more than friends and family.

Honestly at the moment I'd highly recoomend a book called "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin" by Anne Katherine. Because it helped me at least sort out my needs from others I have relationships with (not just romantic relaitonships but familial relationships, friendships ect). And it has a number of good questions and scenarios in the book that help you to give more introspective thought into your own actions and feelings and such. It's not really a poly resource but it's a really good resource all the same.

I hope you can sort out the confusion and things go well for you!

((once again sorry for the late reply, I seem to be slipping lately D: ))

Da-Eh, as much as I'd like this to work out for you and all the more I hear about T the more warning bells are starting to ring in my head. He doesn't seem to be listening you, your feelings, your thoughts and he clearly isn't respecting your emotional boundaries [such as telling you how you feel 'no you don't give a damn' and trying to tell you what to do but without actually communicating the core issue (being vague, not saying what he means fully and being honest about his feelings it seems)] as well as he seems to be a bit manipulative and just nothing about this seems like a good start to a healthy relationship. Especially with the being mean to you then being nice to you then being mean to you..ect. It seems like a cycle. And his posts did seem cruel to me, both to him and to you. He crossed the line for you a couple of times and it seems to me as though he himself is really hurting.

Additionally if he's having trouble with the poly-thing then he should say so instead of hiding behind veiled comments. He's not really upholding his end of the deal as far as 'open, honest communication' goes. There is no way to help him if he isn't being truthful about how he feels and what he thinks with you.

Honestly if you really want to still try something with him I would suggest therapy for you both (separat is fine in this case) to help you both learn safe/healthy communication and learn more about mental/emotional boundaries and ect. I would still reccomend some form of counselling for him though, especially if he really is suicidal as you'd mentioned in a previous post. Because he does seem like he needs serious help, but you shouldn't have to be the one to provide that help and therapists and counsellors have trained and are possibly far more prepared to help. If he refuses, he refuses. In the end it's his call and you can only suggest so much to try to help him.

But as you've suggested maybe you two shouldn't be in a relationship anylonger. But there is nothing to feel guilty about that. If you cannot deal with problems and issues in a healthy and safe manner between you two then it won't be a healthy relationship and only end up doing the both of you a disservice in the end. If you don't think you can handle a relationship with him, tell him outright and tell him why. You really need to look out for what's best for you in this situation and if that's distancing yourself from T, then that's what it is.

*big hugs* I'm really sorry all this is happening as it is Da-Eh. It's tough, I see, but you really seem like a strong person and I'm sure you can pull through this one way or another.