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 Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 6:17 pm
How about this? I Alex walked into the room, taking fast measured steps. The walk of a soldier. Even through Alex had never been in battle before he treated himself strictly. His black trenchcoat wrapped around him protectively. He peered over his sunglasses and flinched slightly when the light hit his golden eyes. Damn light. I like it better when it's dim. His step was lighter, considering that his left his weapon outside of the room. He looked up to see the leader sitting before them and his heart started to race with the sheer command they seemed to draw to themselves. He humbly took a seat furthest away from the leaders of the room. He sat tall and stiffened his back. He pulled off his headphone and his black dog ears unfolded them, picking up a new level of sound from the room. He could hear rats scratching movements through the walls and it picked up on everyone's heartbeats. His face showed a look of calmness, but inside he was nervous. This is my first meeting here. I wonder what her majesty will have for me to do?He stopped slightly to see the other wary souls. Those who have seen their share of battles. Will I end up like them? Will I be able to be of any use to her majesty? He looked around and wondered how many people were there during the last meeting. And if this number was less then the last meeting. He was never sure how important their victories were. It just seemed the more they fought, the more wary the others looked. He knew that he wanted this to end as much as the other soldiers do. But will I be able to do anything?
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 7:58 pm
Much better on the length. =) Don't be shy to use a thesaurus, but you don't need to be overly fancy either. You have some grammatical errors, but I have those too. >.< Ask Illy. I'm gonna go through and point out a few things, but already a lot better. =)
Paragraph 1, Sentence 2: "The walk of a soldier." Fragment.
-> This is something I do sometimes myself. >.o Make sure that all your sentences can stand alone. This sentence doesn't make sense by itself, so either add a verb ("He had the walk of a soldier") or combine it with another sentence (Alex walked into the room, taking fast, measured steps: the walk of a soldier). Not sure the latter is grammatically correct, but it flows nicely imo.
Paragraph 2, First 3 sentences: They all start with "He [verb]"
-> I do this *ALL* the time. I have to re-read my posts before I realize that I use the same sentence structure on every line of a post. (Maybe I'll post one here). Try varying the sentence structure a little bit or combining sentences so it flows a little better.
Again, other than some grammatical errors this looks better. =) I hope I am helping!
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:41 pm
I think this is it. I Alex walked into the room, taking fast measured steps. He moved with the walk of a soldier. Even through Alex had never been in battle before he treated himself strictly. His black trenchcoat wrapped around him protectively. He peered over his sunglasses and flinched slightly when the light hit his golden eyes. Damn light. I like it better when it's dim. His step was lighter, considering that his left his weapon outside of the room. He looked up to see the leader sitting before them and his heart started to race with the sheer command they seemed to draw to themselves. He humbly took a seat furthest away from the leaders of the room. Upon sitting, he sat tall and stiffened his back. Slowly and cautiously, he lifted one of the headphones slightly off of his ear, testing how loud the room was. It sounds tranquil enough. He pulled off his headphone and his black dog ears unfolded then, picking up a new level of sound from the room. He could hear rats scratching movements through the walls and it picked up on everyone's heartbeats. His face showed a look of calmness, but inside he was nervous. This is my first meeting here. I wonder what her majesty will have for me to do?He stopped slightly to see the other wary souls. Those who have seen their share of battles. Will I end up like them? Will I be able to be of any use to her majesty? He looked around and wondered how many people were there during the last meeting. And if this number was less then the last meeting. He was never sure how important their victories were. It just seemed the more they fought, the more wary the others looked. He knew that he wanted this to end as much as the other soldiers do. But will I be able to do anything?NOTE: Sorry about this, but I'm very hard on myself.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:52 pm
*SO* much better. Wow! You have some great writing stock-piled up inside there. I gave a big goofy grin when I read this last one. Seriously. Really good!
A few grammatical things:
Paragraph 1, last sentence: Jenna is standing, or do you mean the leaders sitting? Judge and Sebudai are sitting because they are lazy asses. >.>
Paragraph 3, first sentence: Stopped what? Sort of confused. Maybe stooped? Leaned forward?
If I weren't a married woman, I could kiss you for the improvements. Seriously.
I'm hard on myself too. I should find myself a tutor, but I think one of them might just call me "Sillyone." I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS TOO.
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 10:11 pm
You're probably glad because someone is using this. A certain Leo, who will probably be doing this to most of his posts. I Alex walked into the room, taking fast measured steps. He moved with the walk of a soldier. Even through Alex had never been in battle before he treated himself strictly. His black trenchcoat wrapped around him protectively. He peered over his sunglasses and flinched slightly when the light hit his golden eyes. Damn light. I like it better when it's dim. His step was lighter, considering that his left his weapon outside of the room. He looked up to see there leader standing before them and his heart started to race with the sheer command she seemed to attract to herself. He humbly took a seat furthest away from the leaders of the room. Upon sitting, he sat tall and stiffened his back. Slowly and cautiously, he lifted one of the headphones slightly off of his ear, testing how loud the room was. It sounds tranquil enough. He pulled off his headphone and his black dog ears unfolded them, picking up a new level of sound from the room. He could hear rats scratching movements through the walls and it picked up on everyone's heartbeats. His face showed a look of calmness, but inside he was nervous. This is my first meeting here. I wonder what her majesty will have for me to do? He leaned forward to get a better look at the other wary souls in the room. Those who have seen their share of battles. Will I end up like them? Will I be able to be of any use to her majesty? He looked around and wondered how many people were there during the last meeting. And if this number was less then the last meeting. He was never sure how important their victories were. It just seemed the more they fought, the more wary the others looked. He knew that he wanted this to end as much as the other soldiers do. But will I be able to do anything?
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Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 10:49 pm
"Their" leader, not "there" leader. I'd add a dash between the first and second sentence of the last paragraph to connect them rather than letting them stand alone... otherwise it looks great. =)
I doubt you'll need me for long. You look fantastic. <3
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Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 2:48 am
Again, Leo has return. If anything else this is just to get another person's opinion on my writing skills. Oh and I loved the song. I need to find it for my MP3 player now. I Alex only stared at the earplugs that her majesty slid toward him, but that was before what seeming a wall of sound struck him. Fumbling slightly, he shoved the foam earplugs into his pointed black dog ears. The sound was muffled slightly, not like his other headphone, but that seemed to be the point as he listened to the song. This song that seemed to be a song of defeat, and in some sense showed their current feelings. Was there no hope for their cause? No, that can't be it. By the look in her majesty's eyes there must have been another reason for this song to be played. But Alex couldn't think of the hidden meaning behind this song. As the song died down, he stood straight up; feet together, back straight, one arm folded behind his back, the other folded at his waist. He bowed deeply as he kept his gaze on the table in front of him, "Your Highness. Pardon my intrusion, but why did you play that? What is the meaning of it all?" Even though he gaze was on the table, he could almost feel her gaze upon him. He tried to swallow, but his mouth seemed as dry as a desert. His tougue struck to the roof of his mouth as he waited patiently for her majesty's response.
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Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 3:41 pm
Good post. Some grammatical comments- the length I think is fine. You can almost always go longer than what you post, but I keep myself to less than five paragraphs at all times if I can help it and no less than two.
Sentence one: You shift from past tense to present tense. Posts should probably be past tense, so I'd edit it to "seemed." I add the word "seem" to just about every sentence before editing, but if you want to evoke a stronger image, you can leave out the word entirely. "...but that was before a wall of a sound struck him." Not sure how familiar you are with metaphors, but that's what it would make it.
Sentence two: headphones (pluralize)
Sentence seven: Try not to start sentences with "But." It makes it sound weird by itself. You can join it with the sentence before it, take out "But" or change it to something like "Despite his best efforts,"
Sentence eight: Used the word straight twice. I'd try to substitute another word there. Maybe "tall" or "erect?" Hmmm, dunno. It's a stylistic choice.
Looks great, though! These are all just nitpicking things; nothing major.
I really like the singer for Within Temptation. They have a lot of songs which I have been sifting through via youtube. <3
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Illicit Romance Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 1:32 am
I'm beginning to enjoy my short profiles.
They tend to work out better for me in the long run, I think. Mundane: Illicit Romance Character Name: Yvere Corelest Nicknames or Aliases: "Dusk" - Nobody in the resistance knows him by his real name save for Jenna, and as such they all refer to him by this name. Race: Human, mostly. Physical Appearance: Dusk stands at the average height of five feet, eleven inches tall and has hair to cover half that length. His black tresses, which one can usually find tied up into a long pony tail, seem to never shine even if the light were to hit them perfectly. A lock of coal-colored hair is constantly draped over his right eye as well, never allowing any onlooker to behold what lies underneath. The one eye that can be seen, however, is nothing spectacular. Dusk's mud-shaded irises have the same effect as his hair in that they rarely ever seem to reflect light. Usually seen wearing a form-fitting black shirt and a similarly pitch bomber's jacket, Dusk could be described as one who basically despises color. In fact, however, wearing black is both convenient and simple, as the missions he goes on occur at night, and he does not have to go through the trouble of choosing a daily outfit. His lithe, mildly olive-toned body is thus generally simple to clothe. Personality: This dark individual is withheld, to say the least. Hardly is he ever heard to speak unless directly addressed, and even then he is known to ignore people. As this attitude gives off an aura of mystery, it also wards people off, so there would be not a soul who could claim to really know the man. He prefers it this way, reasoning with himself that the less ties he has, the safer he is. Known History: Dusk's personal history is unknown. As far as every one is concerned, he has been in the Resistance since "the beginning". However, what is known of his history is that a long time ago, when he was a child, he was gravely injured in some kind of accident. The stories past that are mismatched and unsure, but one thing that every person knows is that he is not wholly human as a result. Reason for Joining The Resistance: Unknown. Powers & Abilties: Unknown. Vices & Hindrances: Unknown. Death: If it is necessary for the plot to progress, but preferably not.
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Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 2:31 am
It should be noted at this point that not a single word of what Lorelai said was sarcastic; most notably the "beloved Commander" bit at the end, which seems pretty easy to mistake for it. But it's not. Scout's honor.
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Posted: Fri May 30, 2008 10:09 pm
Quote: Alex clenched his ears as he heard a scream. Leo, what scream are you referring to, my dear? I think you might have mis-read Jenna's post. There is a scream mentioned there, but in reference to how the device negated all sound so that a scream would not be heard at all... or did I miss something? >.< Anyway, I will be posting after Dusk makes his entrance. Kimma has also been moved into character profiles and can join whenever Posy is back.
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 10:46 am
¤¸¸.·´¯`·.¸·(¯`v´¯)·.¸¸·´¯`·.¸¸¤
 Mundane: Lady Capri Character Name: Lexis Voux Nicknames or Aliases: Lexis Race: Human, mostly Physical Appearance:  Lexis' appearance is very unassuming and unremarkable. She stands at 5'5”, with large brown eyes in a small oval face, caramel skin, coal black hair to the middle of her back and short bangs. Her nose is straight, her lips full, complete with a tiny beauty mark at the top right edge. Like the rest of her, her frame is slender and lithe like that of a dancer with the accompanying poise; at 22 she looks a mere 17. Lexis dresses in anything that will allow her to move easily. Rarely is she seen in jeans as they are too restricting. Her hair is usually held back in a ponytail when working or loose when more relaxed. Personality: More often than not, Lexis appears to be daydreaming and lost in her own world, though the truth is the exact opposite, people still think her rude for presumably ignoring them. She will rarely look another person in the eyes which raises suspicion that she does not bother to ease. She asks few questions and seems to have an unlimited reserve of patience. Lexis speaks only when spoken to, necessary or required. She has a very logical mind, capable of thinking twenty things at once, processes quickly and is always hungry for information, she is often found in the library. By all appearances she seems severely detached when, in truth, she simply does not know how to react emotionally. Known History: Lexis' past is pure speculation to her, derived from dreams, memories and her reflexive reactions and statements. It does not help that her mind does not seem to match her body. She believes at some point she had been a dance of some sort, her build and flexibility is evidence of that. She is also able to identify and perform moves and styles of the art when seen in videos or read in books, however her mind contradicts, being overly logical, not creative. Her head is built to think and plan, her body to perform. She also cannot find a reason behind her cybernetic right arm. Often Lexis suffers from nightmares of bloody scenes with men in uniforms, people screaming and feeling herself being dragged away. Others are more pleasant, of a dance studio, a library, computer and science labs. She assumes the people she sees throughout to be friends or teachers, she isn't so sure about family. To save herself from the nightmares and feelings of losing something she isn't sure she had had she does not sleep much or for long. When Lexis woke in a strange place, with strange people, with little to no memory she decided not dwell on it. Over time she learned to use and master knives, daggers and blades. She soon realized that her inability to sleep was not because she choose not to but because she couldn't. Reason for Joining The Resistance: Lexis found out later that she had been taken to one of the Resistance's buildings on the outskirts of the city but not why. She had come to align herself with the beliefs of their leader and for two years volunteered to train and fight for that cause. With her strength and Insomnia she belonged nowhere but with the resistance. Powers & Abilties: -Strength from her cybernetic right arm. -Mastery of knives etc. -Her (supposed) experience in dancing makes her agile, flexible and able to move quietly. With training she's furthered her abilities in stealth. -She requires little to no sleep. Vices & Hindrances: Lexis requires five hours of uninterrupted sleep to remain awake for a maximum three and half days, however the intensity of her nightmares drive her to sleep less. Her experiences with artillery are nonexistent and those in hand to hand combat are average. For reasons unknown her cybernetic arm produces an uncontrollable and unpredictable click. What she thought was normal turns out to be OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder). Death: If the plot calls for it. [x]Edit: I've edited this thing six times and I'm still not satisfied. Damn OCD I'm going to leave it alone now xD ~~~~~~~~~~Visit My City Of Jinkss~~~~~~~~ || Jinkss ||
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Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 5:58 pm
Added Lexis.
For simplicity, each question will be answered after I see the post. This will make sure people know who I am answering and I'm not trying to answer twenty at once. :3
Once you are satisfied and have no questions left to ask, let me know here so I can expedite the process. After everyone says they have no questions IC or a couple days pass with no questions, I will advance things.
Right now, I am dividing you all for plot purposes. In the mission W'turnia will take half the characters and Sebudai the other half to create two teams to attack different parts of a building simultaneously.
Warning: Sebudai is not a nice person.
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Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 6:32 pm
Sorry about the scream thing. I must have misread it. I Alex could feel the heat come on to his face as Jenna addressed him so causally. As she continued with the meaning of this meeting, Alex's head started to spin. In fact, he collapsed into his chair shortly after she mention that these missions could either mean the end of the government...or the end of them. Bewildered by this sudden turn of events, he took slow deep breathes as if to slow down his racing heart. This was my first meeting, and I'm going to be a part of a grand mission such as this. Why me? Why not someone who is more experienced? In truth, Alex was expecting a minor mission such as tracking enemy movements or some other mundane task. Never in his wildest of dream did he expect him to be part of a mission that could very well end the reign of Par. Slowly Alex stood again, this time with less confident in his ability to serve his highness. "Your Highness. I still don't understand why were gathered here." He licked his lips before trying to continue, "What I mean is why...why were we chosen for this mission?" Alex couldn't bring himself to say the words that really rung in his mind. It was a simple question with little meaning to anyone in the room beside him. Why? Why was I chosen for this? Why did you choose me?
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Posted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 7:17 pm
I'd put a line between the two paragraphs and at the beginning of the second "confident" should be "confidence."
I told you you didn't really need me anymore. =)
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