Bawdy Bits

[[Atropa Belladonna]]

Please share your very bawdiest songs, that you won't sing in daylight or in the (even potential) presence of smalls.

I'm also in desperate need of dirty limericks, preferably about aspects of the SCA and/or mentioning specific kingdoms.

Sample (written by me this morning):
There once was a knight from Caid
Who sometimes would lie with his steed
His wife wasn't kind
And his horse doesn't mind
So let's to the barn with all speed!  

[Llelwyn]

Efenwealt Wystle's two older CDs have some great examples. Umm... Angevin Treasures is his old website, not sure if Camelot-treasures.com is up yet.  

[[Atropa Belladonna]]

Llelwyn

Efenwealt Wystle's two older CDs have some great examples. Umm... Angevin Treasures is his old website, not sure if Camelot-treasures.com is up yet.

Wonderful! Thanks a lot!  

[LittleGreenGirl]

I can't remember all the verses, but oh well....

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

My husband's a mason
A mason
A mason
My husband's mason is he
All day he lays bricks
He lays bricks
He lays bricks
And at night he comes home and...
*dramatic pause*

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

My husband's a carpenter
Carpenter
Carpenter
My husband's a carpenter dear
All day he bangs nails
He bangs nails
He bangs nails
And at night he comes home and...
*pause*

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

.....
and that's all I can remember right now, sorry!
 

[TheSteven]

The girls of Trimaris
Are hot where their hair is
And so's a Meridies maid.
The girls of the Middle
Will cuddle. A little.
But AnTir is where you'll get laid.

If you like round asses,
Try out Eastern Lasses
For bosoms you'll have to go West.
But if you crave thighs
And passionate sighs
The wenches of AnTir are best.

Out in Atenveldt
They'll go down on a Celt,
But in Ansteorra they bite!
Out in Calontir
They screw _once_ a year
But in AnTir they screw every night!

Drachenwald girls
Will do it for pearls,
Atlantians do it for jade.
But is you crave dames
Like consuming flames
Try an AnTirian maid.

In Caid they'll put out
For a flagon of stout.
Outlanders do it for mead.
But here, in AnTir,
They buy YOU the beer
And give you whatever you need!


and between each verse is:

Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny,
Let's give a cheer,
Let's give a cheer for the maids of AnTir!
Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny,
Let's give a cheer,
For the Naughty Young Maids of AnTir!


Yeah. I'm an AnTir Chick.  

[Arithrel]

Oh geez, there's one that I LOVE but for the life of me can't think of the words. I know it's sung a lot in An Tir-maybe someone from here or even out of kingdom can help me? Part of it goes *something like*

I came home one night drunk as drunk could be
When I saw (two shoes) where my (two shoes) should be
*Completely forgotten middle part...something about the wife answering*
You're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool
So drunk that you can't see.....

The parts in brackets change from verse to verse...anyone? I can't remember any more than that, which is horrible because it's one of my favourite bardic songs...even if I do have to stay up way late to hear it! haha  

[TheSteven]

Arithrel

Oh geez, there's one that I LOVE but for the life of me can't think of the words. I know it's sung a lot in An Tir-maybe someone from here or even out of kingdom can help me? Part of it goes *something like*

I came home one night drunk as drunk could be
When I saw (two shoes) where my (two shoes) should be
*Completely forgotten middle part...something about the wife answering*
You're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool
So drunk that you can't see.....

The parts in brackets change from verse to verse...anyone? I can't remember any more than that, which is horrible because it's one of my favourite bardic songs...even if I do have to stay up way late to hear it! haha

Ah! Seven drunken nights! biggrin


"Ah, you're drunk,
you're drunk you silly old fool,
still you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before"

(that's the chorus for the verse about the boots. The chorus changes every time pertaining to the different things the singer finds.)  

[[Atropa Belladonna]]

TheSteven

The girls of Trimaris
Are hot where their hair is
And so's a Meridies maid.
The girls of the Middle
Will cuddle. A little.
But AnTir is where you'll get laid.

If you like round asses,
Try out Eastern Lasses
For bosoms you'll have to go West.
But if you crave thighs
And passionate sighs
The wenches of AnTir are best.

Out in Atenveldt
They'll go down on a Celt,
But in Ansteorra they bite!
Out in Calontir
They screw _once_ a year
But in AnTir they screw every night!

Drachenwald girls
Will do it for pearls,
Atlantians do it for jade.
But is you crave dames
Like consuming flames
Try an AnTirian maid.

In Caid they'll put out
For a flagon of stout.
Outlanders do it for mead.
But here, in AnTir,
They buy YOU the beer
And give you whatever you need!


and between each verse is:

Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny,
Let's give a cheer,
Let's give a cheer for the maids of AnTir!
Hey nonny nonny, hey nonny nonny,
Let's give a cheer,
For the Naughty Young Maids of AnTir!


Yeah. I'm an AnTir Chick.

A preview of my show:

Everybody knows AnTiri girls are naughty. If you can't get laid in the SCA you can't get laid at all. If you can't get laid in AnTir you don't have a pulse. Everybody knows AnTiri girls are naughty because they spend a lot of time bragging about it.

Caidan girls... don't have time.  

[[Atropa Belladonna]]

Arithrel

Oh geez, there's one that I LOVE but for the life of me can't think of the words. I know it's sung a lot in An Tir-maybe someone from here or even out of kingdom can help me? Part of it goes *something like*

I came home one night drunk as drunk could be
When I saw (two shoes) where my (two shoes) should be
*Completely forgotten middle part...something about the wife answering*
You're drunk you're drunk you silly old fool
So drunk that you can't see.....

The parts in brackets change from verse to verse...anyone? I can't remember any more than that, which is horrible because it's one of my favourite bardic songs...even if I do have to stay up way late to hear it! haha

It's called Seven Drunken Nights and here are the lyrics:

As I went home on Monday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a horse outside the door where my old horse should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that horse outside the door where my old horse should be?

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That's a lovely sow that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a saddle on a sow sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Tuesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a coat behind the door where my old coat should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that coat behind the door where my old coat should be

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That's a wool blanket that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But buttons in a blanket sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Wednesday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that pipe up on the chair where my old pipe should be

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That's a lovely tin whistle that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But tobacco in a tin whistle sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Thursday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them boots beneath the bed where my old boots should be

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
They're two lovely Geranium pots me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But laces in Geranium pots I never saw before

And as I went home on Friday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw a head upon the bed where my old head should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns that head upon the bed where my old head should be

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That's a baby boy that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But a baby boy with his whiskers on sure I never saw before

And as I went home on Saturday night as drunk as drunk could be
I saw two hands upon her breasts where my old hands should be
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who owns them hands upon your breasts where my old hands should be

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That's a lovely night gown that me mother sent to me
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But fingers in a night gown sure I never saw before

As I went home on Sunday night as drunk as drunk could be
I lad sneaking out the back, a quarter after three.
Well, I called me wife and I said to her: Will you kindly tell to me
Who was that lad sneaking out the back a quarter after three?

Ah, you're drunk, you're drunk you silly old fool,
So drunk you can not see
That was just the tax man that the Queen she sent to me.
Well, it's many a day I've travelled a hundred miles or more
But an Englishman who can last till three I've never seen before  

[Arithrel]

Ah! Yes!! Thank you, TheSteven and [Atropa Belladonna]!! I love that song but was having serious brainfarts the other night. I couldn't for the life of me come up with the lyrics.  

[[Atropa Belladonna]]

LittleGreenGirl

I can't remember all the verses, but oh well....

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

My husband's a mason
A mason
A mason
My husband's mason is he
All day he lays bricks
He lays bricks
He lays bricks
And at night he comes home and...
*dramatic pause*

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

My husband's a carpenter
Carpenter
Carpenter
My husband's a carpenter dear
All day he bangs nails
He bangs nails
He bangs nails
And at night he comes home and...
*pause*

Me oh my how happy am I
Oh how I love my husband dear

.....
and that's all I can remember right now, sorry!

There are hundreds of verses to this--if not more. We make a game of how long we can go making up new verses. Six of us sang this for nearly an hour once.

There's also a longer chorus:

Oh, drink a little bit, ******** a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band with your balls in your hand (toot toot!)
Drink a little bit, ******** a little bit, follow the band
Follow the band all the way!  

[Dymphna Aduvh]

Lusty Young Smith
unkown

A lusty young smith at his vice stood a-filing.
His hammer lay by but his forge still a-glowed.
When to him a buxom young damsel came smiling,
And asked if to work, in her forge, he would go.

With a jingle bang jingle bang jingle bang jingle.
With a jingle bang jingle bang jingle high ho.

I will, said the smith, and they went off together,
Unto the young damsel's forge they did go.
They stripped to go to it, 'twas hot work and hot weather.
She kindled the fire and she soon made him glow.

Her husband, she said, no good work could afford her.
His strength and his tools were worn out long ago.
The smith said, Well, mine are in very good order,
And I am now ready my skill for to show.

Red hot grew his iron, as both did desire,
And he was too wise not to strike while 'twas so.
She said, What I get I get out of the fire,
So prithee, strike home and redouble the blow.

Six times did his iron, by vigorous heating,
Grow soft in her forge in a minute or so,
And ere it were hard and yet heating and beating,
But the more it were soft, it did harden more slow.

The smith then would go, left the maid full of sorrow.
Oh, what would I give could my husband do so.
Good lad with your hammer come hither tomorrow,
And pray won't you use it once more ere you go!  

[The Abortionater]

Wow. I've never been to AnTir, but it sounds like a magical place.  

[Snaebjorn]

My gods. I haven't hear AnTir Maids in nearly 3 years! I love that song.

I'm from Aethelmearc myself. There are a few dirty songs out here but none have our kingdom mentioned. I'll look around though.

I suggest looking up the Meridies Bardic College. I believe they have an entire library of lyrics of bawdy songs!  

[Artimus_Twitch]

awww, I was going to port the naughty young maids of An Tir. But TheSteven beat me to it!

I cant remember the words, but it was made in Avacl about one of the past An Tir kings, Duke Rorick(thats probably not spelled right. Lame that I am in his household, but dont know how to spell the name).

its pretty much a song about him trapping himself in the biffy one night.

Its an amazeingly chatchy... I just have not heard it for over a year.