so, I have mentioned a while back that I am in my first monogamous relationship since I was 17. I have been in this relationship for over a year now. I'm feeling pretty damn good in this romance, and it's the most stable relationship I've ever had.
and then, I had to go and fall in love with a mutual friend ove mine and my girlfriend's.
this friend is already married and has a child of her own, but she has admitted to having fallen in love with me as well. as far as I'm concerned, I'm lucky that for this to happen, it was with a friend of mine who is married and loyal to her husband. I trust that she and I won't act on these feelings.
but at the same time, we have become emotionally intimate, and seem to have a non-sexual romance going on.... by non-sexual I mean physically, only, though. there is definitely a shared desire.
I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I've decided I'm eventually going to tell my girlfriend about it. but I want to wait for a good time to do so. and I'm afraid that making myself wait will result in me chickening out. plus, I haven't discussed this decision of mine with my romantically involved friend.
I'm scared. I don't want to mess things up, and I don't want to fall back into my old habits of cheating. curse my bleeding heart!! crying
Posted: Fri Dec 27, 2013 9:39 pm
I think it's best to discuss it with your girlfriend. Being honest and straight forward with her is better than hiding and cheating. Who knows, she might have a reaction that may surprise you. Good luck.
I think it's best to discuss it with your girlfriend. Being honest and straight forward with her is better than hiding and cheating. Who knows, she might have a reaction that may surprise you. Good luck.
aye, you're right... I don't want to hide it from her, it wouldn't be right. I know that I want to tell her when she gets back into town. not right away, but probably within the first few days of her return. I've spoken with my friend about it, and while it's what she was most afraid of, she agreed it was for the best.
my girlfriend knows about my Poly nature, and so she has always been somewhat prepared for this... she claims she trusts me and knows that I am loyal. plus, she trusts our friend as well. so I'm thinking that the explanation will go over well and that she will trust me when I tell her I won't betray her.
but at the same time, I admit I have some doubts that she truly trusts me as much as she says she does... I am ashamed to doubt her, I know it's hypocritical. but she has repeatedly expressed low-self-esteem and a crushing fear that I would grow "bored" of her... it seems that nothing I do or say can completely convince her that she holds permanent and intrinsic worth to me. she thinks she can't please me forever.
I tend to respond to her as being emotionally fragile. she hasn't really dealt with her emotions growing up, so she has a habit of breaking down very dramatically when things become confusing for her, and it's extremely difficult to manage. she becomes impulsive and irrational.
Posted: Mon Dec 30, 2013 1:30 pm
Oxyria
Chief, you're way younger than I thought you were.
I think it's always a tricky thing for monog peeps to get involved with poly peeps. It's obviously best to be honest but there are always insecurities that come into this. I guess all you can do is bring about delicately. Good luck, hope it goes well.
aye, thanks.
and yeah, I'm a pretty young person. some people wanna say that I'm "old" for my age, or that I'm "wise beyond my years" or bullshit like that. but there's plenty who know me to still be a child at heart. I'm not very emotionally mature, for sure!
still so much I just can't seem to figure out. I'm just a kid, damnit! crying
but you are right, you know. I knew it coming into this. I knew there was always the risk that something like this would happen. and I like to think she knew as well. but it always seemed like the only way to convince her it would be ok and that she could trust me was if I assured her it wouldn't. and I struggled to find that balance between making sure she understood the possibility and didn't fear it.
I don't know how ready she'll be to hear it. and I don't know how she'll take it. I don't even know if she trusts me when I tell her that it won't lead to anything.
well, I ended up telling her on the phone this morning, around 3 am. she took it pretty well, actually. she wasn't worried, or even surprised. she said she wasn't expecting it so much, but it also didn't surprise her.
she's not exactly comfortable with it, but she isn't worried. she really is trusting, and she knows it won't lead to any betrayals. I'm glad I got it off my chest.
the reason I told her so quickly is because we had ended up acknowledging something together... now, lately she's not been very... in the mood. unable to really get aroused, and generally disinterested in sex. I have been sort of letting it be, I guess. but it bothered her more than I realized. she had been thinking lately about it and it ended up turning into a conversation.
long story short, she thinks we moved too quickly in our relationship, and settled into "marriage mode" without putting much effort into dating. the romance sort of became stale, if that makes sense, and the sex being so boring now has left her unexcited. I had tried suggesting we try new things in bed, there's plenty of beginner kink we haven't explored, stuff like that to make it new or more fresh, but she said she can't even feel interested in trying.
we ended up deciding the best plan is to revisit our relationship and sort of start over again. go on more dates, do sweet romantic little things for eachother, surprise eachother, and take things slowly. I think I'm very excited to do this, and the general consensus I'm getting is that it's a healthy thing for couples to do anyway.
with all this going on I had been even more nervous about telling her about my extra-romantic feelings. I wasn't sure when would be a good time to do it, and like if I do it too soon or too late either way would be terrible time. I felt like I couldn't win this scenario.
but, while I was on the phone with her, it ended up just feeling like the right moment to tell her. and it turned out well. ^_^
I guess the lesson here is, try not to panic when things get scary or confusing. it might not be as bad as it feels, especially if there is alot of trust between both of you.
Posted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 6:07 am
Oxyria
Blackrose_Knight
you two are the best advice givers I know of in this guild. please halp!
new update. wooh.
alright, so, instead of our initial plan to "revisit the relationship", we are starting over at the very beginning, the beginning we never had -- we aren't even a couple anymore. we are friends. she's agreed to still go on the date we planned for monday. she wants to take things slowly and naturally, and find out if she really started dating me because she wants to or if it was because she didn't want to be alone.
and I'm scared. and I'm feeling very awkward. and I realize that I have no idea how to court anyone, nor do I have the first ******** clue how to even go about this stage, never mind the fact that I'm already in complete love with her and have been her boyfriend for over a year! crying
it's exhilarating that this is a new experience for me. I'm excited about it, and she is right, it's the best plan we can take. there are too many reasons to count for it being what we really need.... especially what she needs. it's a good decision.
but I'm also at a complete loss.... and I think I need help. cry
I'm terrified.... I don't know what I'm doing... I don't know how to behave... I don't know how I should talk to her, how to properly ask her on dates, how to know what is a good boundary during dates, how to read the little signs.... I've known this woman for over a year, been living with her for over a year.... and I have no idea how to date her, and even less of an idea how to court her! gonk
All I can say is that it'll probably be best to enter into this without any pretense about what it is. And I realize that'll be very hard to do, but even so.
I've personally had some pretty uncomfortable situations arise just from being a transient poly slut. Whenever I visit someone I'm involved with I have to reestablish myself with them and take it slow for at least a day or two. I've gone the absolute wrong way before and it resulted in me feeling like a totally inconsiderate b***h without even realizing it until after (still have some regrets there).
So again, just try to make no assumptions, and definitely don't put the things you want or expect onto that person. If they want to show you any kind of affection, they will. If you're both attracted to each other this part is easy. Just actually spending time with this person will usually carry out whatever was going to happen. You love her, so I'm assuming you like her also. Talk and flirt (can't give you any pointers here -- I don't know her, but you do), and see what happens. Try to stay level headed and always be respectful.
I can totally understand you being nervous, but you also already know this person. The dynamic has changed but I doubt she has.
well, yeah... that's all the vague stuff tha I already know... sad my problem is that I have no clue what the realities of what any of it means... ya know?
like... what are respectful boundaries when trying to "woo" somebody? and do these boundaries differ at all if you already know the person intimately?
and what about flirting? is it weird if I keep calling her pet names, like "dear" and "darling" and "hun"? is holding hands awkward? is it ok to kiss her?
how often would it be ok to ask her out on dates without it seeming like I'm trying to hard, or without it being like harassment?
and how do I go through a "friends" stage after having already lived with her for a year!! gonk it's all so confusing.
EDIT: sorry. I kind of freaked out, there. redface I re read what you said. and, I think I understand. I should let.... let what happens happen, and not overthink it. right? ground myself, not be pushy at all. just be myself, get to know her (I almost feel like this is a redundant part, but it's just cause of the wording), and talk to her.
I'll try not to panic.
Posted: Sat Jan 04, 2014 1:37 pm
Oxyria
Chieftain Twilight
Oxyria
All I can say is that it'll probably be best to enter into this without any pretense about what it is. And I realize that'll be very hard to do, but even so.
I've personally had some pretty uncomfortable situations arise just from being a transient poly slut. Whenever I visit someone I'm involved with I have to reestablish myself with them and take it slow for at least a day or two. I've gone the absolute wrong way before and it resulted in me feeling like a totally inconsiderate b***h without even realizing it until after (still have some regrets there).
So again, just try to make no assumptions, and definitely don't put the things you want or expect onto that person. If they want to show you any kind of affection, they will. If you're both attracted to each other this part is easy. Just actually spending time with this person will usually carry out whatever was going to happen. You love her, so I'm assuming you like her also. Talk and flirt (can't give you any pointers here -- I don't know her, but you do), and see what happens. Try to stay level headed and always be respectful.
I can totally understand you being nervous, but you also already know this person. The dynamic has changed but I doubt she has.
well, yeah... that's all the vague stuff tha I already know... sad my problem is that I have no clue what the realities of what any of it means... ya know?
like... what are respectful boundaries when trying to "woo" somebody? and do these boundaries differ at all if you already know the person intimately?
and what about flirting? is it weird if I keep calling her pet names, like "dear" and "darling" and "hun"? is holding hands awkward? is it ok to kiss her?
how often would it be ok to ask her out on dates without it seeming like I'm trying to hard, or without it being like harassment?
and how do I go through a "friends" stage after having already lived with her for a year!! gonk it's all so confusing.
I'd the boundaries are much the same, but also that you should probably just ask. If you feel the moment seems appropriate, "can I kiss you?" or, "can I hold your hand?" are things to double-check about before you just do them. I find myself always just asking these questions anyways, and I think it's a pretty good practise.
As far as how to refer to her, again just ask her what she's comfortable with.
And I totally understand it being hard. Going back to being friends with girls I've slept with is always kind of a funny thing for me. There's a lot of imagery to try not to focus on, and also a lot of otherwise easily assumed pretense.
Basically, if you're not sure about something, asking her is always going to be better than just doing it and making her uncomfortable.
Edit: Yes, the last thing you said also.
I can't express enough how valuable you're input is. I'm so lost when it comes to these kinds of things. I don't think I've ever had a healthy relationship with anyone romantically... I always wind up thinking I do, though.
thanks. I am hoping for the best, planning for the worst, and trying to decide whether I should expect things to go well or not.
Posted: Mon Jan 20, 2014 7:24 pm
well, we aren't having sex. we aren't living together. we don't kiss on the lips. we find alot of the way we interact to be awkward, and there is a certain level of sexual tension, leastways on my end.
but we still hang out. not everyone even knows we broke up. we have an uncanny habit of being affectionate. we occasionally spend nights over at eahother's places, and even cuddle. I wear pajamas to bed when we do sleep together, though. but we still are not shy about changing or undressing in front of eachother. she misses me, and fears that I am the only person who will love her, despite me assuring her that that is silly. she's wonderful, beautiful, sexy, has a great personality, is generous, kind, humble, funny, intelligent.... she just has a history of being used and thrown away. almost none of her friends keep contact with her anymore, and those that do are always busy or have some excuse.
I really do feel like she and I are likely to get back together eventually. it still isn't a definite thing, and she still needs her independence first. but, she seems to be worried that she is pushing me away. in fact, I just quoted her verbatim.
a friend of mine has used the analogy of a car. we now have the inside joke, "jumper cables", which Star has recently made me explain to her. before that, though, my friend asked me "so, is you're car running again?" to which I told him "we still need to run the engine a while". he said "see, you just needed an oil change."
long story short, not much has changed yet, but I'm getting to know more. she's learning about herself, I'm finding that she is learning to trust me better, and I'm struggling with how to deal with it all without accidentally making her feel guilty.
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