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 Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 7:29 pm
Prompt: Tell us how a particular book, play, film, piece of music, dance performance, scientific theory or experience, or work of art has influenced you
Five minutes and eleven seconds; that’s the length of Coldplay’s The Scientist. I had remembered hearing The Scientist for a JC Penney commercial for jeans when I was younger, unappreciative of the lyrics but enthralled by the sale for jeans for forty percent off. It was during my winter break that this song had begun playing the memorable lyrics, and instantly it had become one of my favorites for any situation. To be honest, I have no idea why. Was it because of the soft sounding tune that made it my favorite or was it the helplessness in the vocalist’s voice that made it so haunting and personal? I had realized, it was in those five minutes and eleven seconds, I had become “the scientist”.
It was in those five minutes and eleven seconds that I was defined as a man who reasoned everything with “science and progress”. Believing that everything had a cause, a reason to why the action had occurred; it had characterized my reasoning for everything. The first chance I was able to apply my flawless reason was during Christmas break--it also happened to be the last time as well. It was during this period of time I had admitted my secret, yet petty, romantic interest in my best friend of five years. I had reasoned myself into admitted this feeling because it was obvious; the dreams, hopes, fears, laughs, and tears we had shared over the years, they were a representation of my happiness. Yet, my reason seemed to be flawed for one reason, I had gotten rejected.
It was in those five minutes...(not finished yet)
Feedback would be much appreciated
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Posted: Wed May 30, 2012 8:26 pm
Hey, welcome to the guild! It looks like you pretty much have the right idea of how to approach a college essay. Rather than starting with the usual classroom humbug of "One piece of music that has particularly interested me is..." you phrase your opening sentence in a way that grabs attention. However, I fail to feel the effect of this song on you. It made you emotionlessly reason your way to all of your decisions? I think some elaboration on your thought process when you admitted your interest in your friend, and how -exactly- the song influenced that thought process, would be beneficial. Now first here is the same essay with some spelling and grammar corrections... Quote: Five minutes and eleven seconds; that’s the length of Coldplay’s The Scientist. I had remembered hearing The Scientist in a JC Penney commercial for jeans when I was younger, unappreciative of the lyrics but enthralled by the sale of jeans for forty percent off. It was during my winter break that this song had begun playing the memorable lyrics, and instantly it became one of my favorites for any situation. To be honest, I have no idea why. Was it because of the soft sounding tune that it became my favorite or was it the helplessness in the vocalist’s voice that made it so haunting and personal? I had realized that it was in those five minutes and eleven seconds that I had become “the scientist”.
It was in those five minutes and eleven seconds that I was defined as a man who reasoned everything with “science and progress”. Believing that everything had a cause, a reason to why the action had occurred; it had characterized my reasoning for everything. The first chance I was able to apply my flawless reason was during Christmas break--it also happened to be the last time as well. It was during this period of time I had admitted my secret, yet petty, romantic interest in my best friend of five years. I had reasoned myself into admitting this feeling because it was obvious; the dreams, hopes, fears, laughs, and tears we had shared over the years, they were a representation of my happiness. Yet, my reason seemed to be flawed for one reason, I had gotten rejected.
It was in those five minutes. And here is the essay with a bunch of pretty arbitrary stylistic changes that you might want to consider... I changed things that either seemed to break the flow or that I thought could be worded better for some other reason. These are purely my opinions. Quote: Five minutes and eleven seconds; that is the length of Coldplay’s The Scientist. I had remember ed first hearing The Scientist in a JC Penney commercial for jeans when I was younger How old?, although at that time the sale of jeans for forty percent off absorbed much more of my attention than the song and its lyrics. It was only during my winter break (when?) that I first noticed this song's memorable lyrics, and instantly it became one of my favorites for any situation. To be honest, I'm not exactly sure why. Was it perhaps because of the soft sounding tune that elevated it to one of my favorites? Or was it because the helplessness in the vocalist’s voice that made it so haunting and personal? I had realized that it was in those five minutes and eleven seconds I had become “the scientist”.
It was in those five minutes and eleven seconds that I was defined as a man who considered the world solely in terms of “science and progress”. I believed that everything had a cause and a reason to why the action had occurred; the song had characterized my reasoning for everything. The first chance I was able to apply this seemingly flawless reason was during Christmas break-- and it was the last time as well. It was during this period of time that I had admitted my secret, yet petty, romantic interest in my best friend of five years. I had reasoned myself into admitting this feeling because it was obvious; the dreams, hopes, fears, laughs, and tears we had shared over the years, they were a physical representation of my happiness. Yet, my reason seemed to be somehow flawed for one reason, for I was rejected.
It was in those five minutes.
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Posted: Thu Jun 07, 2012 8:55 pm
I agree with K76. I want to know what about this song influenced you. What about your life does this song highlight? Does it make you want to be closer to your friend? Why? What is it about your relationship that you w ant to change? You don't have to make it a huge sad story, but I want to know specifics.
I'm also sorry that I'm not a grammar technical wizard. I'm a story teller by trade.
This is also just my opinion feel free to disregard it.
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