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 Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 4:12 am
Hmm... so I've been inactive here for a while due to busy-ness (well, posting-wise, XD I still randomly hop on and read stuff) and have come back with an interesting scenario I'd like advice on.
Thanks in advance!
[Confusing means to convey the scenario was selected on purpose to shoo away people who aren't willing to spend the time to actually give useful advice.]
Scenario:
Person A is with Person B.
Person A did not plan to be with Person B, it all just happened out of the blue.
Person A did not plan to be with Person B or anyone at all because there was a Person C that Person A used to be with.
Person C left Person A a long time ago because of mixed reasons -- mainly because Person A had to move to Somewhat Far Away.
Person A did not want this, but it happened anyways.
Person A was cold at first but developed feelings for Person B.
Person C was with Person D while Person A and B are together.
Person C and Person D were engaged and were at Far Far Away.
Person C tells Person A about problems and how Person D sucks.
Person C keeps making Person A feel like Person C has feelings for Person A.
Person A dreads the idea and does not want to have to make a choice between Person B and Person C.
Person C has come back from Far Far Away and is at hometown of Person A.
Person C has dropped Person D.
Person A knows all this and feels blah and confused and feels that Person C will want to be with Person A again.
Person C talks to Person A in a way that reinforces Person A's worries.
Person A now feels like a choice between Person B and Person C has to be made.
Person B is very nice and has stated Person B only wants Person A to be happy and does not mind if Person A is with Person C as it is better than Person A leaving everyone and/or exploding into non-existence.
Person A feels sad from what Person B says.
Person A has some feelings for Person C.
Person A feels bad and does not want to make Person B sad and also because Person A and Person B have gone through a lot together.
Person A has some feelings for Person B.
Person A wants to go stab Person A in the head.
Person A became depressed/cold momentarily and became a little more insane.
Person A now does not know what to do.
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 10:27 am
Ethereal Darkness Person B is very nice and has stated Person B only wants Person A to be happy and does not mind if Person A is with Person C. That was some major WTF moment on my part. Seriously, who says that?
Anyway, this is not a situation Person A is supposed to get advice for. It is something A has to figure out by itself. If A loves B and C equally, then it's a matter of compatibility. Who does A see itself with, years from now?
On a personal note, badmouthing your current relationship and leading someone you dumped to believe you like them while you are engaged to someone else doesn't seem like an honorable thing to do. Moving back is hardly relevant. C seems immature and manipulative, and doesn't know what it wants.
On another personal note, it's hard to believe that someone in a true relationship (where love exists) will be permissible to the point of simply casually allowing the partner to leave for someone else, for the sake of A's happiness. B is either a worshiper or just very fake.
Bottom line is, everyone has faults. Whose can A better live with?
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 10:52 am
Okay, first let me preface by saying that, having had precious little relationship experience (just one, that ended badly), my Dear Abby skills are ABYSMAL, so read with caution! mrgreen
Secondly, not knowing who each of the parties are, I may be unwittingly harsh to one or more parties, but I don't mean to be hurtful; I just want to be honest.
Okay...the way I see the situation, if I were A, I would be VERY careful about letting C back into my life. Not really knowing C's side of the story, I saw some MAJOR red flags in C's behavior that, frankly, cast C in a somewhat less-than-positive light. First of all, C was the one who broke up with A to begin with. Granted, it was mainly because C was moving, but you also mention that there were other reasons besides the move. If I were A, I would keep those reasons in mind while interacting with C, or at least ask C if those issues are still there. This in and of itself is not a big deal, but it is something to keep in mind whenever an ex tries to re-enter your life. Secondly, C, while experiencing cold feet/relationship issues from being ENGAGED to D, could confide in just about anyone about these issues, but chooses instead--while ENGAGED--to confide in a FORMER FLAME whom C presumably knows still carries a torch for C! Not only that, but C is doing this to A while A is in a relationship! If C doesn't know about the relationship, that makes it slightly less bad. But if C knows about A and B's relationship, then...*This is the part where the big, cheesy-looking robot bursts into the room and shouts "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!"* C's behavior indicates that C did not respect his/her own relationship enough to leave an ex out of it, and not only that, but C apparently seems not to respect A's current relationship, as C continually makes A feel as though C wants to get back together with A. I know I'm being harsh here, and I apologize if you are Person C, but without knowing C's side of the story, I am getting REALLY bad vibes from C's behavior.
Actually, if I were Person A, I probably wouldn't be able to see the warning signs because of my feelings for C. But if a friend of mine--Chibi, for example (to my knowledge she has never actually been in this situation, but I'll use her as a for-instance because she is one of my closest irl friends)--had a boyfriend who broke off their relationship, moved away from her, got engaged to someone else, and then started complaining to Chibi about the relationship just as Chibi was in a blossoming relationship with another guy, I would be upset that Chibi's ex was apparently manipulating her feelings and getting her hopes up by using HER as a sounding board for advice/complaints about his current relationship. If he actually moved back to Chibi's hometown and continually dropped hints that he and Chibi should get back together--all the while knowing that Chibi is already in a relationship with another man and was falling for this new guy until the ex came back--I would be ready to beat the stuffing out of the ex, because he seemed to have no respect for CHIBI'S happiness and well-being, only his own. He only wanted Chibi back when things with his fiancee didn't work out, and if his hints are actual hints and not just casual flirting, this means he has no respect for Chibi's relationship with her current boyfriend and wants Chibi to leave her current boyfriend for him...and who's to say he won't just leave her later on? All in all, if Chibi were Person A and had a Person C in her life, I would tell her to stay away from him. If Chibi were the Person C in the relationship, I would tell her that her behavior towards Person A was very dishonorable and that she needed to stop leading this person on and interfering with that person's current relationship. As for Person B...well, I don't really have any advice for the Person B in the situation, just to say that B sounds like a wonderful person and a sweet, caring significant other, and that I hope things work out for the best for B, and for all the persons involved.
Again, I apologize if I was overly harsh to any party involved. I actually did have another friend who went through almost the same thing as Person A, except that the ex-boyfriend didn't contact her at all from the first breakup (he dumped her) until the time they started dating again, and she didn't have any boyfriends between the two times she was with this guy. He, however, had gotten engaged to another girl, and after things with the new girl didn't work out, he decided to get back with my friend...only to dump her a VERY short time later, and for some very stupid reasons! She is now happily married to another guy, and they have a baby girl on the way. But...yeah. Once more, I apologize for my harshness if you're C, but C's behavior just didn't sit right with me, and for the reasons I stated above. I hope my abysmal advice helps, and that things work out well for everyone involved. 3nodding
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 11:23 am
As expected of a woman, Alvinette has a rather more insightful point of view. xD
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 11:32 am
xd Ah, thank you! Your opinion of B also gave me something to think about. On the one hand, if I had a boyfriend who would let me go back to an ex without a fight, I would wonder if maybe he was just trying to get rid of me. But then again, when you really love someone with a sacrificial, unselfish love, you DO care about their happiness to the point where you want to see them happy, even if it isn't with you. (Although I would wager that most people, myself included, don't often get to this stage.) But...yeah. Now I'm torn about B's role in the whole thing. But I still stand by what I said about A and C.
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 4:20 pm
Thanks for the replies you two biggrin
No worries on harshness -- lol the only thing that matters is that it is useful and not outright disrespectful (i.e. "this scenario is retarded" comments).
Here is some more information on the scenario to clarify some things that were brought up:
1) Person B and Person C are parallels -- they are two people who are exact mirrors of each other, but at the same time bear opposites in terms of morality.
Exapmles:
Person B has parents married whereas Person C has parents divorced.
Person A hits someone and laughs; Person B does not laugh, does not approve, and asks why Person A did that action (Person A disapproves, but understands). Person C laughs along and gives Person A a high-five (Person A is thoroughly amused).
The fact that Person B and Person C are parallels has always annoyed, puzzled, and messed with Person A's head and Person A never planned to be with a parallel person in the first place (AKA Person A was not looking for a Person C substitute).
2) Person C does not know about Person B.
Person A has never spoken of Person B.
Person A has made it a point to be obscure and vague about anything that involves Person A's current livelihood/lifestyle due to Person A's inability to decide what to do with the situation.
Person A is obviously manipulated and screwed over by emotions.
Person A's obscuration of personal information is not specific to Person C -- Person A and Person B's relationship is actually only known to a very small tightly-knit group of people.
Person A has reasoned before during the beginning of Person A and Person B's relationship that this is for the sake of protecting the relationship from external influences -- the cause of which ended Person A and Person C's relationship.
Person A holds strong anger towards people who caused the downfall of Person A and Person C's relationship through subliminal messages and suggestions that Person A is over protective and that Person C should live life and party while they still can before its too late.
Person A found that to be a definite heaping pile of BS.
3) Person C broke up with Person A for several obscure reasons.
Person C later revealed that Person C was at fault for being influenced by others and that the true reason was because Person C was not confident in their ability to maintain long distance relationships.
Person C admitted Person C has anxiety issues/attacks of which medication was issued to remedy it.
Person C admitted Person C is not mature enough at that time and that Person C has yet to work out many of their issues and problems before Person C could ever think of getting back together with Person A.
Person A at that time was hopeful for getting back together with Person C.
Person A and Person C were unofficially engaged -- Person C received a valuable object from Person A to give to Person A in the future.
Person A had to re-obtain said object due to uncontrollable forces.
Person C has kept matching valuable object ever since and has not sold or trashed it up to present date.
4) Person A is compatible with both Person B and Person C.
5) Person A plans to meet with Person C in the near future simply to hang out.
Half of Person A's feelings say this is a good idea, the other half says otherwise.
6) Person B is a genuine caring and understanding person.
Person B has worked with Person A for a long time in repairing Person A's mental and spiritual constitution that was damaged after Person C left Person A.
Person A and Person B have always from the start of their relationship very open with each others' thoughts and feelings which included Person A's constant mentions of Person C.
Person A over time was cured of strong depressive feelings thanks to Person B's help.
Person A is more than thankful for Person B's constant supportive presence in Person A's life that continues even in the midst of the current scenario.
7) Person A has given this thought out as a response to the scenario:
"In all honesty, I admit that it is unfair to leave another when that other has provided so much... but I believe it is beyond unfair to stay, live, and die with another knowing in the end that one never truly loved them in the first place and was truly in love with someone else. I say this because the two love interests were denied the chance to be truly loved and the self was denied the chance to be honest."
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 7:40 pm
Alvinette did a great job as far as I'm concerned, but with the new info, there are a few things to be added. I like that characteristic in Person B to heal you and make you a better person. Morality is never to be brushed aside, and I find that very commendable in Person B. This whole situation reminds me heavily of A Tale of Two Cities. Person B reminds me of Sidney Carton who sacrificed his life to save Darney (Person C), the rival for Lucie's (Person A) love. His willingness to sacrifice his own life for the one he loved makes him the better man in the whole scenario, and I really do view him as the hero. Who wouldn't want to have the hero? I say go for the sacrificial hero every time because they will give everything for you. Person C has already left you once and become engaged with another. If person C has maturity issues, I see that as a red warning flag saying, "STAY AWAY." The two things that will kill relationships faster than anything else are lack of honest communication and immaturity in one or both people. However, you are the only one who can make this call because you are the only one who knows your own heart. I hope I was of some help.
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Posted: Mon May 16, 2011 8:55 pm
LilChibiusa Alvinette did a great job as far as I'm concerned, but with the new info, there are a few things to be added. I like that characteristic in Person B to heal you and make you a better person. Morality is never to be brushed aside, and I find that very commendable in Person B. This whole situation reminds me heavily of A Tale of Two Cities. Person B reminds me of Sidney Carton who sacrificed his life to save Darney (Person C), the rival for Lucie's (Person A) love. His willingness to sacrifice his own life for the one he loved makes him the better man in the whole scenario, and I really do view him as the hero. Who wouldn't want to have the hero? I say go for the sacrificial hero every time because they will give everything for you. Person C has already left you once and become engaged with another. If person C has maturity issues, I see that as a red warning flag saying, "STAY AWAY." The two things that will kill relationships faster than anything else are lack of honest communication and immaturity in one or both people. However, you are the only one who can make this call because you are the only one who knows your own heart. I hope I was of some help.
Interesting, thanks for contributing to the advice pool :3
As much as I would agree -- it doesn't necessarily answer the question Person A brings up about denying one's true feelings and living a lie. In a way I would translate that movie (obviously I have not seen it) in this light:
Sidney Carton understands that Lucie's feelings are definitely for Darcey and would not be able to bear the idea of Lucie sticking with him simply for his own sake because a relationship with no love is not a relationship at all. Sidney loves Lucie so he sacrifices his life as a sign of his eternal love and graces it upon Lucie so that she may be happy and in his conscience is fine with this because he would rather know and see her happy than anything else.
Truly Sidney is the hero -- there is no doubt in that; but it doesn't necessarily mean that the hero must always be the choice. Giving without expectation of reward is the hero trait is what I understand Sidney to be presenting.
Definitely a predicament.
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Posted: Tue May 17, 2011 1:41 am
Ethereal Darkness LilChibiusa Alvinette did a great job as far as I'm concerned, but with the new info, there are a few things to be added. I like that characteristic in Person B to heal you and make you a better person. Morality is never to be brushed aside, and I find that very commendable in Person B. This whole situation reminds me heavily of A Tale of Two Cities. Person B reminds me of Sidney Carton who sacrificed his life to save Darney (Person C), the rival for Lucie's (Person A) love. His willingness to sacrifice his own life for the one he loved makes him the better man in the whole scenario, and I really do view him as the hero. Who wouldn't want to have the hero? I say go for the sacrificial hero every time because they will give everything for you. Person C has already left you once and become engaged with another. If person C has maturity issues, I see that as a red warning flag saying, "STAY AWAY." The two things that will kill relationships faster than anything else are lack of honest communication and immaturity in one or both people. However, you are the only one who can make this call because you are the only one who knows your own heart. I hope I was of some help.
Interesting, thanks for contributing to the advice pool :3
As much as I would agree -- it doesn't necessarily answer the question Person A brings up about denying one's true feelings and living a lie. In a way I would translate that movie (obviously I have not seen it) in this light:
Sidney Carton understands that Lucie's feelings are definitely for Darcey and would not be able to bear the idea of Lucie sticking with him simply for his own sake because a relationship with no love is not a relationship at all. Sidney loves Lucie so he sacrifices his life as a sign of his eternal love and graces it upon Lucie so that she may be happy and in his conscience is fine with this because he would rather know and see her happy than anything else.
Truly Sidney is the hero -- there is no doubt in that; but it doesn't necessarily mean that the hero must always be the choice. Giving without expectation of reward is the hero trait is what I understand Sidney to be presenting.
Definitely a predicament.It's actually a book by Charles Dickens, but there might be a movie version of it. confused Denying Person A's true feelings? Does that mean that Person A feels more deeply for Person C than for Person B? I was thinking that Person A loved them both the same, and couldn't decide which one he would be better off being with. I don't know, really. I've never had to make that call. I was just saying that if I had to choose between two people I loved equally, I would choose the one who loved me most deeply. And, the way I see things, the one who would sacrifice his happiness for my sake would be the one who loves me the most. That's what I was trying to get at by the book reference.
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 11:52 am
Before I give a full reply, honestly speaking does A have the strongest feelings for C? Or is it even between B and C?
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 5:02 pm
resonantscythe Before I give a full reply, honestly speaking does A have the strongest feelings for C? Or is it even between B and C?
I'd say Person A is split between the two since both have contributed a great deal in Person A's life.
Based on all the musings Person A keep bringing up it'd seem like Person A is more towards Person C, but at the same time Person A doesn't really express undying longing for Person C -- if anything Person A has explicitly stated before that they do not feel swayed by Person C any longer and is content being with Person B.
Of course, I would say that perhaps Person A's feelings for Person C may be suppressed and all at once released if they happen to meet eye to eye.
I guess it's a matter of waiting until that happens.
Hopefully that helps answer those questions.
And thanks for considering a reply.
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Posted: Wed May 18, 2011 5:23 pm
In that case I would say that A, after meeting with C should reflect on A's own feelings, be honest with one's self and come to a conclusion on who A truly has feelings for. At that point, A If A finds A has the stronger feelings for C, A should then consider the following:
- how healthy a new attempt with C would be,
-Are these feelings real feelings presently brought on by C, or leftovers from the old relationship?
-Can A trust C? Considering that, from what was presented here, C (as far a relationships go) sounds like a quitter, and someone who goes behind people's back rather than talking it out with them
-Is C mature enough for a serious relationship? (Once again this comes from allowing outside influences to end the previous relationship, and from complaining about D rather than talking with D
-Honestly, would a relationship with C have staying power? Does A Honestly, truly believe it would last enough to warrant this heartache?
-If they (B and C) are really all that much alike, Isn't it better to be with B who which the relationship came about naturally, rather than forcing it out? In fact, if A was purposefully avoiding C-like qualities, and got with B regardless, isn't that a testament to A's feelings for B?
If A finds those feeling to be stronger for B (again, this is after some serious thought ans soul-searching) Then it's simple: Tell C A is taken and cut ties. A shouldn't allow the chance to let C Hurt A again.
Really C sounds pretty flaky. Engaged twice and dumped both? Sounds like commitment issues or treating A like a fallback option.
Frankly I was tempted to give a simple "C had C's chance and blew it. Too bad, so sad" Response, but obviously this is more serious than that.
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Posted: Thu May 19, 2011 1:41 am
resonantscythe In that case I would say that A, after meeting with C should reflect on A's own feelings, be honest with one's self and come to a conclusion on who A truly has feelings for. At that point, A If A finds A has the stronger feelings for C, A should then consider the following: - how healthy a new attempt with C would be, -Are these feelings real feelings presently brought on by C, or leftovers from the old relationship? -Can A trust C? Considering that, from what was presented here, C (as far a relationships go) sounds like a quitter, and someone who goes behind people's back rather than talking it out with them -Is C mature enough for a serious relationship? (Once again this comes from allowing outside influences to end the previous relationship, and from complaining about D rather than talking with D -Honestly, would a relationship with C have staying power? Does A Honestly, truly believe it would last enough to warrant this heartache? -If they (B and C) are really all that much alike, Isn't it better to be with B who which the relationship came about naturally, rather than forcing it out? In fact, if A was purposefully avoiding C-like qualities, and got with B regardless, isn't that a testament to A's feelings for B? If A finds those feeling to be stronger for B (again, this is after some serious thought ans soul-searching) Then it's simple: Tell C A is taken and cut ties. A shouldn't allow the chance to let C Hurt A again. Really C sounds pretty flaky. Engaged twice and dumped both? Sounds like commitment issues or treating A like a fallback option. Frankly I was tempted to give a simple "C had C's chance and blew it. Too bad, so sad" Response, but obviously this is more serious than that.
Thanks for the response -- especially for not just going with the simple phrase.
This is definitely some good advice -- involves quite a lot of thinking time though, but that can't be avoided.
In terms of staying power -- I had forgotten to mention that the relationship between A and C (shortening this to "AC") held concrete for four years.
Currently A and B ("AB") have so far two years running; however, it has been much much more shaky and loaded with arguments than that of AC.
AB is also a lot more on again off again in terms of emotion whereas AC was definitely more lively and had a lot of flutter to it.
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Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2011 2:10 am
Update:
C asked A out to hang out, maybe have coffee and catch up.
A is not sure how to interpret this and does not want to be delusional or bring hopes up.
Any ideas?
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Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:32 pm
I don't know if it's too late now (sorry, I was out of town), but you could try going with a friend or Person B to meet your ex. That should send a clear signal that you want to be friends, but that you are not ready to change relationships at the moment.
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