|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 19, 2011 11:28 am
It really is like my life just continues getting increasingly complicated. I didn't even know anyone's life could get this complicated. But at least it's finally worth it.
About a month and a half ago, my husband and I seperated. He told me he didn't want to be married anymore, and it devestated me. I was unhappy for a very, very long time in this relationship, but I did love him, and still do, but I understand that I can't live the rest of my life being so sad. So I moved out. This isn't the first time he's randomly ended te relationship out of nowhere. It's happened about 4 times now. And the fact that it happened after we were married...I just can't handle that. It's clear that it would only happen again and again, and I would always be bracing myself...wondering when's the next time he'd leave me. And then he would get pissed because I don't trust him...
Another thing you should know is that I've been in love with my best friend for a long time. She was the one I could never stop thinking about, the one I always wanted to be around. And while it was wrong to have kept denying it and have stayed with someone I wasn't happy with, it's done now. During the seperation, my best friend's husband kind of sanctioned our sexual activities, and one fateful night, joined in. It was wonderful. And since then, he and I have bonded quite a bit. I can't believe I'm actually happy again. I get to be with two people that make me so happy. That I look forward to seeing and that I miss when they're gone.
And so goes our polyamourous relationship. And now it's a little more...out in the open, which I was very reluctant about at first. If you're reading this, you probably know just how unaccepting people can be of things that aren't traditional norms in society. But the friends who know have been great about it (I almost died when a mutual best friend came right out and asked my girlfriend about it. I was so afraid she'd reject us.) My boyfriend's family has been...more than great about it, and my girlfriend's family is mostly cool with it too. I guess it helps that I'm already kind of accepted in the family. My family doesn't know, and it's my intent to keep it that way. I think they'd disown me, and I couldn't handle not being accepted by the people who've been there for me through everything else. And I'm sure they'll eventually figure things out all on their own...but I'd prefer it be don't ask, don't tell. I could live with that.
So, current complications:
- My husband and I work for the same organization. This organization is very...politicky, and rumors fly around. Someone saw my husband not wearing his ring. My boss saw that I was reluctant to call him during a medical emergency...and they've all come to their own conclusions. My husband is well known and well loved in our organization, and I'm not disliked, but I think people would rather side with him.
- My girlfriend and boyfriend are moving out of a place they were housesitting for an extended period of time (like over a year.) It was private and easy for us all to hook up in. They're moving into smaller quarters with more people, which is a good thing because a lot of my girlfriend's anxiety will be relieved by no longer living there, but there's also not a lot of privacy. And there are children, so that kind of complicates our situation.
- I'd love to get an apartment with them, but I'm only working part-time and struggling to find a full time position. I'm also still paying rent on the old place since the landlord wouldn't let me or my husband out of the lease.
- My husband wants me back. Pretty badly. I've made it clear that I'm not coming back this time and why. Plus, my family...dislikes him and his mother has said some pretty nasty things about me recently. My husband and I are on good terms. We don't hate one another. We're not out to screw the other out of anything. So why are our families getting up in arms that we're seperating? I guess mine is kind of sick of him leaving me...but it makes me wonder why his mom (who used to act like she was my friend) would turn on me like that.
- Medical bills from my kidney stone. Yaaaay...
But despite everything, I'm honestly happier than I've been in years. I often feel like I don't deserve it. But I'm sick of what I put up with day to day just to feel accepted by society. I've wasted so much time being unhappy that I just don't care anymore. I want to live life the way I'll be happiest.
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Apr 20, 2011 6:29 pm
I wish you the best of luck.
As for family- sometimes people who aren't even in the relationship feel betrayed when it ends- or worse, they get it in their head that their kid's inability to keep a good partner is their failing as a parent. Don't take it personally and keep your chin up. heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 04, 2011 11:09 pm
Esiris I wish you the best of luck. As for family- sometimes people who aren't even in the relationship feel betrayed when it ends- or worse, they get it in their head that their kid's inability to keep a good partner is their failing as a parent. Don't take it personally and keep your chin up. heart ...I need to find a post of yours in forums and tip you.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu May 05, 2011 8:40 am
Kitty Konspirator ...I need to find a post of yours in forums and tip you. Thanks.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 09, 2011 9:38 pm
Nothing much has changed on the ex front. He still wants me back. Work is still awkward. But people know we're seperated now.
Kitty and James moved out of the place they were house sitting. The situation isn't perfect, but we're all doing our best with it.
I still have medical bills. But I only have two more rent checks until I'm free.
Almost all of our friends know now. And there have been mixed responses. I mean, no one's jumping up and down cheering, but the best possible response has been acceptance. And the worst?
So i have been thinking about this long and hard and you know I'm really hurt. I didn't say anything to Kitty because I didn't realize how much it bothered me. But I don't see how I can be your friend anymore. I mean don't get me wrong I understand keeping it secret and not wanting anyone to know, but you did just do that. You acted like someone you wasn't and know I don't know how to tell who you are anymore. Hell for all I know reading this might make you happy, and thats the point I don't know how much of you is an act. I feel like I have been cheated out of a friendship. And so yah I just can't seem to stop crying now. I mean right now I feel that the only thing different from you and [insert skanky boyfriend-stealing, backstabbing person's name here] Is that she never acted like she was someone she wasn't. (And you didn't try to steel chad away from me, but thats not what i am talking about). So this is pretty much all I have to say. For all I know is you could careless if I wasn't your friend anymore, I just figured I owed at explanation before hand.
It hurt to know that just because of a choice in who I wanted to be with, that someone would not want to be my friend anymore. She's given different people different reasons, but it is what it is. At first she accepted it, even joked about it. And a few days later she wanted nothing to do with me. So I did what I do best and vented by writing.
The past 48 hours has been one of the roughest periods of my life so far. Because of petty, childish drama. And I have a few things to say about it, but I don't want to post it publicly because I know the main subject of my rant is a person who thrives on petty drama and makes everything about her. ********, it finally is. But I will not feed into what she (and he) wants, and I will be the better person. I will not spew hateful things right back at her, but I will be honest and frank here.
For starters, I don't see how this has anything to do with you at all. Yes. I got into a polyamorous relationship to spite you. This whole time, I was thinking, "How else can I hurt *****?" Get over yourself.
I've been in an unhappy relationship where I've been verbally abused, abandoned both emotionally and physically on many occasions, been a 2nd/3rd/4th priority when I should have been #1. I've been blamed for everything that goes wrong. And it's been going on. For. Years. I resigned myself to a life of unhappiness and society applauded me for it. Because apparently it is more morally sound to stay miserable with someone who doesn't love you than it is to leave when this person begs for you back and find two people who do. What exactly have I done that is so wrong? Because you've been giving different people different stories. I don't think you even know.
You told me I'm fake and you don't know who I am and it "hurts" you. Are you serious? I'm finally happy, after wasting years of my life. I am finally me. I was never serious, not once, when I said "Girls are icky." Or "Eww gross, lesbians." Yeah genius. That's why my best friend is a bisexual. Why my late uncle took me to gay day at Kings Island every year and we had the time of our lives. Why I've been blessed to have two very wonderful lesbian friends. Why all of our friends can comfortably joke about homosexuality and playfully grope one another. Why my gaydar is just that damn good. It took some time to accept I'm bisexual. But not because I ever hated anyone because they were. And I've never said you were gross. Not ******** once. But I forgot. Everything is about you and how I hurt your feelings.
Did you ever stop and wonder if you'd be hurting mine by sending me a bullshit Facebook message about not wanting to be my friend? Calling me fake? Telling me the only difference between me and someone you HATE and call a whore is that she isn't fake? You don't think that hurt?! You my dear, are one of the worst hypocrites I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. You hurt people all the time by running your mouth because if you don't, you get stressed. But you never consider how what you're saying might make others feel.
You are telling mutual friends that you don't like me anymore because I cheated on my ex. I did. I'm not proud of it. I won't try to justify that. But you weren't friends with him. It didn't affect you at all. All that knowledge did was piss your husband off because I broke up with him for cheating. 10 years ago. You know what that sounds like to me? Jealousy. And the truth is, I gave him a second chance just like I gave my ex-fiance. When your husband cheated on me the first time, he pulled the same crap. A friend was in class with him and saw it going on and told me. When I told him, he accused me of having my friends spy on him. Which, by the way, wasn't true. But I told him that s**t needed to stop or I was gone. He agreed. Then I saw him do it again when he didn't know I was there. So yes. I broke up with him. I don't see what you're pissed about. It never would have worked out between us anyway, and if we hadn't broken up, where exactly would you be? And haven't you cheated on your husband? You can keep lying to yourself, but you have. You kissed someone else. You talked to another man about wanting to leave your husband for him. You hid pictures from your husband. Hiding things? Secrets? Sound ******** familiar?
You are in no place to judge me.
People might not approve of what I'm doing, but I'm not hurting anyone. How is it anyone's business? I'm just doing something that makes me happy. Not for any other reason. My girlfriend convinced me to come out to our friends because you are part of our lives. I don't demand that you like it or feel comfortable with it. I only wanted acceptance. Because real friends love and accept you the way you are, flaws and all. I accepted your flaws. Your tactlessness. Your self centeredness. Your keen ability to turn any situation into drama-filled bullshit. I accepted you. My major flaw, the one that is essentially the story of my life, is my secretiveness. I've always kept secrets. It's how I've survived. It's not a good thing necessarily and is more often than not a flaw. Do you know why I'm secretive? Why when I started having feelings for my girlfriend, or hell, started this relationship, I didn't shout it from the rooftops? Because I knew I'd be ostrasized. I thought people would turn against me. Guess you proved me right.
You have the right to revoke your friendship. I don't need a toxic person like you in my life making me feel like s**t.
Yeah, I was a little pissed off.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 8:27 am
Sometimes I have to wonder if God is punishing me, or if he has some crazy devious plan in all this.
I started feeling like crap two weeks ago. I was running a fever, weak, very easily exhausted. But despite the fact that I had a fever, my stomach was fine and my throat was fine. It went on for about another week before everyone convinced me I needed to see a doctor. So I sucked it up and went. He asked me questions, felt my glands in my throat, and then made take a urine test and took blood. Lots of blood.
I've always been pretty good with that kind of thing, even as a kid. Just a little stick. Yeah, not so much anymore. Ever since my ovarian cyst ruptured 2 years ago, I'm not a fan of needles. Blood doesn't bother me. Just needles. But I threw up.
The next day my blood test results came back. I have mono. And then my tonsils and innards started swelling up, so now one side of my throat does hurt. And I started getting really queasy at the dtop of a hat. My appetite is gone anyway, but I was throwing up the food I'd barely eaten. I had to go back so they could take more blood yesterday, and things have only gotten worse. I guess my liver and spleen are working overtime, but they're in bad shape, particularly my liver. So no drinking and nothing with aceti-whatever it is. Tylenol. Or Excedrin.
I'm a little panicked because my late uncle died as a result of a complication with his liver. He had Hep C and was a drug user/alcoholic for a good part of his life. But he did change. He's one of the most amazing people I ever met because despite all odds, he was able to overcome his addictions and focus his life on God.
Back on track...I know how sensitive the liver is. How things can get bad when it works overtime, like it is now as a result of the infection. And no, I don't know how I got mono. I actually hope I got it from Kitty or James, that way they can't get it...especially since I've kissed them both before I knew I had mono.
There is some good news...my fever's been broken for over 24 hours. I'm actually running a little low (in the 97F range.) So I'm feeling much better and feel more alive than I have in forever. And I can never get mono again after this, it being a virus.
The bad news? I know how fast rumors spread now. Even when you're out of high school. I told two people in confidence at work (one was a supervisor, one was just someone I really trusted) that the reason I'd been out for a week was because I have mono. And not even 24 hours after I told the 2nd person, my ex texted me, saying he heard from my boss (who I hadn't yet told) that I had mono. He then proceeded to freak out on me since we'd exchanged mail the day before and he has a "compromised immune system" (which he later found out he doesn't have) and I put him at risk by being around him. He wouldn't listen when I explained that it's transferred by saliva.
It hurts to be accused of something like that, on top of someone breaking my trust. But the thing is, my boss didn't just tell my ex. He told my ex's boss, who told him. I wonder how many other people know, and what they're saying. I'm worried about my professional reputation. I love my job. But people are so gossipy there, and I guess you really can't trust anyone.
I'm just going to try to relax and eat healthy today, let my body recover a little more. Wish me luck!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 9:31 am
eesh! Hope you get well soon, Eevee
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 12:24 pm
This is one reason why I'm not too sad that I'm not at a job. Gossipy work environments suck pretty hard. :/ Besides your ex really had no place chewing you out for being near him when you were sick, regardless of how it spreads. It's not exactly like you knew you had mono before you went to the doctor, it could have easily been something less serious- just painful. What are people supposed to do, stay home every time they have a sniffle because he thinks he has a compromised immune system? People still need to eat so they still need to work and live their lives. It's a shame people feel the need to explode and/or gossip about this stuff. :/ I usually just tyr to keep my head low and my mouth shut, but your boss really shouldn't be sharing medical information with others that is just so unprofessional.
I'm glad you're feeling a touch better than before. I hope you continue to get better. I hear mono is pretty tough. I'm sure you can pull through this episode. I hope that future ones aren't as bad or frequent. Much luck Eevee.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:06 pm
Sorry you have Mono hun- it sucks. I'm not sure what kind of gossip you're worried about though. You have mono- and that can be passed from sharing a soda. sweatdrop (Bah- teach me to pick up any open soda can at the potluck)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 5:16 am
Thanks for the well wishes everyone! I'm feeling much better and am back at work. I actually missed working - go figure! I'm going back for more blood tests next Thursday, but I can tell things have improved. My insides aren't hurting anymore, and the swollen lymph node I have is now undetectable. I'm still contagious...so no kissing Kitty or James for another few weeks. But I'm finding ways around it.
I'm just so happy to be getting out of the house again after 2 weeks of being trapped. I' was so depressed that I even shut down my Facebook for a while. It's hard to hear about all the fun your friends are having when you can't join in. I didn't hold it against them...I know life doesn't stop because my life's been put on hold. But it wasn't doing my mental health any good hearing about it. Being stuck for a while really starts to mess with you, particularly if you're already clinically depressed.
Looking forward to things in the weeks to come! My friend's baby's first birthday, a pool party, maybe grilling out. Life is good again, and I hope everything is going good for you too smile
Until next time heart
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 6:56 am
Excellent news there Eevee! *hugs* I'm kinda curious about your workaround methods. I love to hear about inventive solutions to problems that arise.
Can kinda understand about the FB thing too...I lurk there even more than here sweatdrop All my friends are daywalkers so I don't get to get out and see them much. But it looks like you've got a pretty busy time ahead of you, hope you have lots of fun! smile
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2011 9:03 am
I'm glad you're doing better!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:04 pm
James is still iffy about us going to Florence Thursday, but I'm sure we can make up his mind. wink
Or we could just stay out my place...alone...by ourselves....with a bedroom....and all.
Yeah, we could play scrabble.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:06 pm
Kitty Konspirator James is still iffy about us going to Florence Thursday, but I'm sure we can make up his mind. wink Or we could just stay out my place...alone...by ourselves....with a bedroom....and all. Yeah, we could play scrabble.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jun 21, 2011 5:07 pm
Diabolical Eevee Kitty Konspirator James is still iffy about us going to Florence Thursday, but I'm sure we can make up his mind. wink Or we could just stay out my place...alone...by ourselves....with a bedroom....and all. Yeah, we could play scrabble. I'd like to connect your four.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
