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A poem.. (not sure about the forum D;)

--Untoten Kase--

Extreme Streaker

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Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 4:38 pm

Sink your teeth into forever...

Just a little thing about it first:
It's dedicated to my daddy.. ^^ and to let you know, the first 2 verses or whatever are life now... the last 2 are my fears. >_<

Daddy

Daddy, Daddy
Listen to me
You must quit smoking!
Or soon your time will be

Daddy, Daddy
Are you okay?
You're coughing up a storm!
Just please do as I say!

Daddy, Daddy
Your time is at dawn
Why didn't you listen to me, Daddy?
Now you're gone.

Daddy, Daddy
I miss you so
Why'd you leave me here, Daddy?
Why'd you have to go?

._______. tell me what you think...

...Sunlight burns, children surrender.

Posted: Thu Feb 03, 2011 5:59 pm

It's good! But it may need just a little improvement to be honest!

ILoveTalkingOranges808

6,150 Points

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The Beauty Of Lies

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Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:44 pm

Its good smile but i could use a little improvement.

Posted: Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:10 pm

Hello, again! :]

Right forum, but there's a sticky near the top for all poetry posts. Please keep that in mind for future poetry you'd like to share with BURN.

I enjoyed the repetition of "Daddy, Daddy" at the beginning of each stanza; it gave it a nice rhythm. On the other hand, the fact that you need to give background information about the difference between the first half and the second half shows you need to develop it more. Maybe find a way to transition in the middle, a fifth stanza that somehow shows the difference between present and future?