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There comes a point in social commentary where brutally honest becomes simply overly nihilistic. Forever clearly crosses that point. Upon examination of the content, we can figure out the appeal to philanthropy, but if we never bother anything more than a first glance, then all of that becomes lost. And it isn't that it has poor structure, or vocabulary, or really anything like that. It's that it lacks the eloquence that almost quintessential to this kind of writing. It's very pragmatic, and frankly rather blunt. Revise the poem, keep some of your allusions and metaphors, but work them back into some semblance of diction.

On the other hand entirely, Don't is the picture of honest, from-the-soul-through-ink kind of lyricism that has not only becomes prevalent in culture today, but also proven itself quite effective. This is the place and style for your blunt charms. Lots of iteration, abstraction, and metaphor, all in simple and effective terms. This is the kind of work with the Common Man can read, relate to, and enjoy. Bravo!