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 Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 4:40 pm
Okay, this is going to be a bit long so bear with me.
I've been with my current SO for about 5 years, I'm a bi poly woman and at the beginning of our relationship he was certain that he was monogamous. Because of my love for him I was willing to be in a mono relationship with him, but after some time of getting to know me and understand what being poly meant to me, he decided he wanted to try it out. The only thing was that he didn't want any other males involved, which was fine with me because there is only one other male I would be interested in and I don't think he feels the same way about me as I do about him (more on that later).
So , my SO and I came up with an agreement and started searching. He eventually found a monogamous straight chick. He has fallen hard for her and for about a month now she has come over almost every single day. I'll admit that she wouldn't have been my first choice, but hey, I want him to be happy.
Now here's the problem, she recently made the stipulation that if their relationship lasts a year from now he will begin a monogamous relationship with her, and cease having a romantic relationship with me .
He's agreed to it, but he insists that he's going to "convince" her to be poly and that maybe she is bi because she occasionally will comment on some chick being hot.
Personally I don't see any of that happening, except maybe for the part where he leaves me for her, because, while I try to remember they are in the infatuation stage, he spends huge amounts of time with her and I've been, well, ignored. If she's not her in person he's on IM with her. He goes on about how she's so different and makes him a better person, and how he's ever felt this way before, and I'm kinda just left going neutral
I try to be aware of my own insecurities, and I've brought up my concerns, and of course I let him know that all I want is his happiness, whatever his decision may be.
My question is, should I hold out and hope for the best, and try not to spend the year freaking out, or should I just start making moving plans? cry
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Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 6:31 pm
Well... I wouldn't freak out neessarily, but I wouldn't make moving plans just yet either. You say that you've told him your concerns but... did you tell him how you feel about being left alone now? I understand that in the throes of NRE it's easy to forget current relationships but you should talk to him and remind him that you matter too. Just tell him something like you want to spend some more quality time together because you feel like you haven't been spending much time together lately, try to be gentle and understanding but don't be too submissive about it, speak up and make sure that he understands just how much being left behind is bothering you.
As for the aspect of him promising to leave you if the two of them have been going out for a year... that's not fair to anyone. It's lying to her and being quite manipulative on both of their parts. It presents really shakey ground and it is not condusive to a stable polyamorous relationship. If he wants to be monogamous, that's fine and he should say so, if he wants to be polyamorous that's fine and he should say so... but agreeing to leave you if they've been going out for a year and be monogamous with her is not fair, and it's a waste of everyone's time. It's a very poisonous situation for the relationship too, because now instead of having the assurance that he can and is willing to love you and her it's been put back into the 'either/or' situation.
If he doesn't intend to fulfill his side of the agreement with her, then he shouldn't have made the agreement. It doesn't matter if he thinks he can coerce her into a polyamorous relationship that really is just wrong from where I'm standing, because it's deceptful and manipulative which are not condusive to a healthy relationship (of ANY confirguration).
I'd suggest talking to him again about it and tell him that this isn't a healthy situation and that it is worrying you and causing a lot of heart ache. Make sure he really understands how unstable this is making your relationship with him, don't just let it slide by too easily as though nothing is wrong.
Part of the responsibility of those who are polyamorous is providing the reassurance to a partner who feels insecure about something. It doesn't sound like he quite understands that, making such an agreement while saying that he's going to coerce the other person to changing it isn't really reassuring at all. He needs to realise this and stop the deception, the lies and the manipulation because that isn't really what being in a responsible relationship (of any configuration) is all about.
I'm really sorry this sounds like a really sucky situation to be in sad
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Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:31 pm
Thanks so much for your reply, I covered with him about this and informed him of my feelings on the matter, and made sure to remind him that a person can't be suggested into polyamory anymore than they can be coerced into turning blue.
Afterwards he confessed that he loved us both, but it's killing him that he can't have both. I told him I understood, and then he started question if he was really ready to be poly or not.
He wants to attempt a week being mongamous with her just to see if he is really poly, in which case he will most likely break things off with her. If he's not, well, then, I end up without him. I'm still trying to articulate my feelings on the matter. I want to be supportive but I know that sometimes I sell myself short and don't speak up when I should, and doing so has caused me a lot of heartbreak. I'm kinda at a loss right now.
*sigh* One thing is for damn sure, I don't want to go through this ever again.
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 3:40 am
Been awhile since I posted hereabouts... mostly from my not or ever having been actively Poly myself; that's kept me more of a passive participant (a lurker, I guess ninja rolleyes ) but... Urgh. I really feel for you on this one, bleak. It's like you get to have to endure all the challenges of polyamory and the least of its benefits somehow.
I guess all that you can do is hope that things will work out for the best for everyone.
I mean... if he's willing to allow himself to be put in a situation where he will live relationships totally differently, to allow the expectations of someone else to threaten his fidelity toward Polyamory entirely (not to mention his claimed love for you), then his determination is ultimately weaker than other motivations in his life... and Polyamory apparently isn't right for him in the first place, thusly your Polyamory is perhaps better not with him.
Doesn't make it easier to move on from someone you love, but it is the sort of situation where I'm inclined to be grateful for the difficulty presenting itself sooner rather than later.
Personally, while I know that I couldn't possibly know enough to speak to what's the best for everyone for sure... I hope that he gets over the NRE and learns to grow from the experience... then realizes how important you should probably be to him ninja (but... yeah, not my call to make)
And... uh... I'm sorry to have to be so abrupt about it, but... "one week being monogamous"?? That's complete and utter bullshit, I'm afraid. Makes absolutely no sense at all. It's a completely ineffective approach for learning what it would be like to live that way, there's nothing of the long-term in it whatsoever, it would be based around new relationship energy, and it has nothing to do with monogamy unless he's committed to her... love cannot be "shut off for a week" neutral
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 5:40 am
Well, as it currently stands, he and I are no longer together. I told him he had to make a decision, because I couldn't stand this holding-pattern nonsense. He's decided to commit himself to her fully on the 10th, and he now lives in a separate room in the house. They have a fully monogamous relationship. He still wants to be friends, which is fine, and she's friendly to me as well, but while they are all happy and in WUB I can't help feeling hurt, and very lonely.
I want him to be happy more than anything, but yeah, I end up crying into my pillow a lot. I told him that this has been really hard on me, but he seems to think if I just hang out with them and come out of my room more often I'll be fine, but in a lot of ways, that just makes it worse. It also doesn't help that I was extremely sick for a week and a half, and was required to go to the ER twice... with no one to hold me, no one to tell me it was going to be okay, etc. I was so scared and it just compounded my loneliness and depression even more. I already have esteem issues, and have been really having a hard time not comparing myself to her. I mean, if we were poly, no problem! But I keep obsessing over what made me so bad that he's willing to drop a six year poly relationship to go into a mono one. He says I was wonderful, etc. But the biggest thing that got me is that for the past 3 years we didn't have sex, his reasoning being that he didn't want to knock me up and ruin my chances in college. But guess what they've been doing for up to four times a night? neutral
He doesn't know if the relationship with her will last or not, but it looks very serious to me. I know, it's too early to tell...but still. And he says he still loves me, and if she dumps him he'd totally try to woo me, but guys, I don't think I can risk going through this again. It's been too painful, and it's not like I can forbid him from falling in love again!
I'm sorry, I'm just mindspilling at this point, but all my friends are gone for the summer. I'm trying to get a hold of another poly that I've loved for years (doesn't know my true feelings toward him, and I plan on it staying that way for awhile) is 100 miles away and hardly ever online.
I really don't know who else to talk to. I live in a small, religious town, where everybody knows everyone else's business, and I know I don't really have anyone here. That's why I really appreciate this, I can't tell you how happy I am that this is available.
Why couldn't I have been like everyone else? Why did I have to be bi, why did I have to be poly? It seems like everything about me just sets me up to get hurt or ridiculed with no where to turn. Maybe I should just stop trying.
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Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 5:33 pm
Seems like the best way to take things is to be thankful. He and you didn't work... as arrogant as the message may seem of me to write it, "it would have been better if" never makes any sense... we're all where we're supposed to be, all going through what we're supposed to be going through. If it hurts then that means there are still lessons to be learned, the trick is to not let the hurt distort the beauty or distort the positive transformations which those lessons can inspire in yourself.
Depression (and such) is bad for ALL relationships, not just Polyamory... but especially in Polyamory, people need to have their stuff worked out and be in a good position of strength and, I think, independence... or it can be what non-poly people fear or avoid in Polyamory: a rollercoaster of disappointment, hurt, confusion, and insecurity.
Anyway... I hope that didn't read as being dismissive, and that things work out for you, and that you get to be true to yourself and the workings of your heart!
Also... why not leave your repressive conservative small town? ninja
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Posted: Fri Jul 24, 2009 7:33 pm
Thank you, and no, I don't think you came off as dismissive.
I guess why this is effecting me more than any other relationship is because of the length, but hopefully the bawling will stop soon.
I can't really leave town until I get done with college here, so, I'm kinda stuck neutral .
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Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 5:26 am
Three years.... !!! yeah, that's intense. With or without the... erm... "abstinence" confused
At least it should be easier to focus on your schooling.
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Posted: Sun Jul 26, 2009 7:35 pm
Maarilat Three years.... !!! yeah, that's intense. With or without the... erm... "abstinence" confused At least it should be easier to focus on your schooling. Yeah, I have some battery-powered assistance right now, but frankly I'm not really in the mood and it's not quite the same as being with a human being. I'm actually looking forward to school starting again, I could use a distraction so I don't end up falling back on bad habits.
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