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 Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:20 pm
Hello, everyone.
Recently I've been struggling with some feelings, and feeling horrible about it.
I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year now, we love each other very much, and were thinking about buying promise rings.
Which is very nice, right? But I would not be posting in this guild because of this.
While I love my boyfriend so very much, I think I love another man, too. He is an ex-boyfriend, someone who I've never met face-to-face, someone I broke up with to be with my current boyfriend. I know, if I loved him, why did I break up with him? Well, online relationships are very hard for me. I'm a very physical person. I love to hug, hold hands, kiss, things like that, which you just can't do online. And I was still in that "puppy love" stage of my relationship, so I saw everything through rose-tinted glasses.
Anyways, after we broke up, we went out separate ways, and I didn't hear from him for a while. Then, one day, in a moment of weakness, I added him on Facebook and we began to talk. It was very clear when we talked that we both still had feelings for each other. He told me he still loved me, and that he wanted me to make a choice, him, or my boyfriend. As you can imagine, it was awful. I logged off in tears at 5 am, and was absolutely distraught. I called up my boyfriend, heard his voice, and just broke down. I decided then, that I must really love him the most, and so I chose him.
My online flame didn't want to talk with me anymore, because it would be too painful for him, but after a week without talking to him, I just couldn't take it. I HAD to speak with him. I HAD to have him in my life. So I talked to him, and told him that I really wanted to remain friends with him, and I hoped he would speak with me, and he did. So we've been talking ever since then, and things were okay for a while. My feelings for him where still there, but pushed back, and I was just assuming that they'd go away after a while. After all, I had my boyfriend, so why would I still love him?
But recently it seems that they've resurfaced in full-force, and they're driving me mad with guilt.
I feel so awful about this, and I don't know what to do. I asked my friend about it, and he basically told me that it was selfish, awful, and unfair to both men involved. You can imagine that this did not make me feel any better.
I'm really scared and confused. I know I need to talk this over with both men, but I have no idea what to say, or how to say it. I'm young, only Seventeen. My boyfriend is Eighteen, and the other man just turned Twenty. We're all rather young, and Polyamory is not a common thing with people our age. (at least, around here.) So I'm terrified they're going to think I just want an excuse to cheat, or that I just want two boyfriends because I can.
Um, holy s**t that was long. I'm sorry. It looks rather pitiful when I read over it...D:
But, any advice would be so appreciated. I'm really confused, and I have no idea what I should do. The longer I think about it, the more guilty I feel.
Thank you so much.
<3s
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 10:11 am
Once again I'd like to say that there is nothing to feel guilty over. There is nothing wrong with you, you are not selfish, you are not awful and it's not unfair to love more than one person. It's not different than any other kind of love (friendship-love, familial-love, ect). For example, just because you love your mom doesn't mean you have to stop loving your dad. It's the same sort of principle here. I don't agree that romantic love is somehow a finite commodity, just because I love someone doesn't mean I have to take love away from someone else so that I could give it to this new person. It has been my experience that the more you give, the more you get in return the more you have to give again. (This same thing applies to a lot of emotions, the more anger and bitterness you display the more people are likely to reciprocate the bitterness and anger the more bitterness and anger you'd feel). So just because you love two people... isn't a horrible thing and it's nothing to feel guilty over. There isn't anything wrong with loving more than one person at a time. The thing is cheating involves deception and violating rules. You are doing neither of these things. You are being open, honest and upfront about your feelings. You are choosing not to lie but to face our feelings and try to build a relationship that works for you. As long as everyone consents, and you are following the rules of the relationship, you are not cheating and are doing nothing wrong. Now, onto the subject of bringing it up... It may be advantageous to you to feel out the waters a little bit first. Bring up the concept from something you see in the news, or a joke and see what the reaction is, get a feel for the situation. I'm not saying not to tell them, but it could be beneficial to see the reaction to the concept in general to see how you should approach the situation better. But I would be honest and upfront about how you feel. It's not that you don't love your boyfriend, it's not an 'either/or' situation for you it's an 'and'. It doesn't mean that he'll automatically be okay with it, it may take time for him to process the information and/or he may not agree to the situation at all (in which case you'll be back where you started, having to chose between the two..which includes if your boyfriend is okay with it but the other guy is not okay with it, these things rely on everyone consenting). It could be difficult, but just take your time and offer to share any information you have, answer all the questions and try to keep calm during conversation. It may be easier to talk to your friend about it, as he already knows you have feelings for both so that is one less thing to reveal at least to him. Some resources that you might find useful in your research as well as how to talk about it: Xeromag has some good articles on communication, dealing with jealousy, and especially deals with mono/poly relationships. Polyamory in the News has recent mentions of Poly in the media and has linked to a number of good articles over the years that you can read on. And for a slightly larger poly community with more people active you can check out the Polyamorous Percolations forum. Most people there are friendly and in general I've seen some pretty great support and advice out that way if you want additional opinions and perspectives to help you out. If you have some extra money lying around I would also recommend getting Opening Up by Tristan Taorimo that you could read together potentially. Also I think that Open by Jenny Block would be quite useful as well, even though it's more about the sexual relationships rather than the emotional relationships it actually is very good with dealing with the feelings of guilt and whatnot by listening to someone's story in detail who has been through it. Read as much as you can, on forums, in articles (on and offline), in books. It can help you get more comfortable with the idea and also it may be able to put words to what you're feeling so that you can explain it better when you go to talk about it. I hope I've helped a little <3
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:29 pm
Thank you for your reply, Mameoyashi.
I guess the guilt is something that will take a little while to get over. It's very hard not to beat myself up over this, but I'll continue to tell myself that this is okay, and that it isn't wrong to love more than one person.
Yes, I've gotten that suggestion before, and I'm going to try it. I'll try to bring it up casually, and just see what the gut reaction is, and then go from there.
I'm extremely nervous about bringing it up to them, because I know it's going to cause some sort of pain, especially to my boyfriend, who has no idea that I still have strong feelings for this other man. So I'm terrified.
But first I'll see how they react to Polyamory, and go from there.
Thank you for the resources, I was looking at Xeromag last night, they really do have some great articles. I'll check out those other links, and I may pick up the books you suggested.
Thank you so much again <3
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:53 pm
I understand that the guilt will probably take time to get over. I know if it wasn't for Graverg's open support I probably would still harbour guilty feelings about it all. But we started talking about this awhile before we were even going out (mostly on the open/swinging/sexual side of things but it evolved into more poly talks later on), so it was a little easier on me at least. I still get pangs sometimes, but having a support network definitely helps.
I hope everything works out for you <3 and I'll alwyas be around to help out. smile
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:21 pm
Well, I feel better knowing that the guilt is a normal thing, and that people have moved through it.
[rant] Ugh, right now I'm just annoyed by my other friend's attitude. (not the one I'm interested in, the one I discussed Polyamory with, and he blew up at me.) he's basically been all emo and whiny, off-offhandedly saying that I'm making a terrible mistake, and that I obviously haven't found the right person yet. (right, and that "right person" is you, amirite?)
and I'm just irritated. I understand that he has feelings for me, so I try not to mention love around him at all, but I confided in him, and I wish he could have just said he disagreed in a better way, instead of insulting me. There are so many things I could say about him, but I'm not. I'm just...a little angry. [/rant]
Okay, I feel a little better now.
And my boyfriend is coming over a little later today, so I think I'll try to casually bring up the topic of Polyamory, and see how he reacts to it. c: hopefully it won't be a, "Ew, gross!" reaction, or something similar. xD;
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 1:34 pm
A lot of people react that way I find, especially if they are strong believers in everyone having one person who is their soul mate and go for "The One" type stuff. It's just hard to wrap their minds around especially because of all the social pressures and stigmas against having more than one partner (sexual, romantic, otherwise). Maybe in time he'll understand. It may be an idea to talk to him if the subject comes up again and tell him that what he's saying is insulting and hurtful and you don't want to talk about it with him anymore if he's going to talk that way, he doesn't have to agree with the choices you make but he should accept them or just nor talk about it anymore because it's hurting your feelings.
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 5:06 pm
It appears that he's stopped talking to me atm, so I'm just going to leave him alone and let him blow off some steam.
Uugh, I'm so nervous about bringing up the subject. Even casually. I am not a very brave person.
I think I'll try the subject first with my online friend, since it'd be a little less to explain, but that's still terrifying.
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:29 pm
Stopped talking to you? Has he mentioned why? sad
*hugs* Take your time and remember to breathe. It can be scary, I understand that. Don't force it too much, let it come when you feel the time is right.
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 7:37 pm
It was sort of my fault, he put up an away message with something hurtful directed at me, so I made a not-so-nice comment.
It seems he's forgiven me, though, because he's talking to me again. So I'm not sure what's with this sudden change. He went from being sarcastic to being civil, but...I'm just going to go with it.
-hugs- Thank youu.
I really, really, really appreciate all of this, Mameoyashi. <3333
I'll just try to let it come out naturally.
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Posted: Wed Jul 01, 2009 8:06 pm
It really is my pleasure Da-Eh. I remember being younger and struggling with these feelings, and while I like how my life has turned out right now in my life a part of me wishes I had someone to help me when I was first discovering these sorts of feelings.
If I'm ever overstepping any lines please tell me smile I'm not trying to be pushy, just trying to help.
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 4:59 pm
You're not overstepping any lines. c: So don't worry about it.
And okay, for future reference; boyfriend: C, other man: T.
I told C today, I was planning on telling T first, but C was over and the moment was just right, so I told him. I was really scared, and broke down into tears immediately, because I felt so awful. I felt even worse for crying, because I don't want to guilt him into doing anything. But he said he was okay, and no matter what it was, we could work through this together, so I think he might be willing to look into it. And he told me he wasn't mad at me, and didn't think I was awful, and that he still loved me, and he's just so sweet and understanding. And so that made me cry some more, but those were happy tears, at least. (I cry a lot.)
I asked him if he would look Polyamory up when he got home, and he said he would, so...I'm keeping my fingers crossed. We'll see what happens. If he's willing to do this, that will be great, but if not, then we won't.
So, phew. One down, one to go. I'm feeling a little better about asking T now, hopefully he'll have a similar reaction to C.
Also, I'm not even sure if I was pronouncing it right.
Polie-ah-morie?
Or is it Polie-morie?
Or neither? haha
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 5:25 pm
Well good for you! I am glad to hear that it went well telling C! Ah, I remember a very similar experience telling M that I loved her and W for the first time (like more than beyond just the friendship love we had been expressing for... a long time) - it didn't go half as well but the tears of fear and the tears of happy and all that jazz. I hope talks in the future continue going well for you.
Good luck in telling T now as well!
I believe the accepted pronounciation is 'Paulie-ah-morie', though a friend reading the cover of a book I was reading was sort of amusing as he was struggling to find the pronounciation. (pO-ly-AM-mo-RAY was one of my favourites XD but he also had a smattering of attempts that sounded very French actually which amused me X3)
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:00 pm
I sent C some info, and he read it over, and now he's talking to me about it over AIM.
I hate AIM so much. It's absolutely killing me that I can't see him or hug him. I was at least able to do that earlier today.
I just feel so awful, like I'm going to be sick.
He just doesn't like the idea at all, the idea of sharing me with someone else.
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:39 pm
So more crying, but we talked it all out.
We're not deciding anything yet. We're both going to think about it.
He doesn't want me to be unhappy, and I don't want him to be unhappy, so we're basically at a standstill. I just feel so blessed that he's so understanding.
and I think I'm going to talk to T about it right now. Maybe.
I don't know if I can take any more crying tonight.
and hahah, okay. I'm glad I now know how to pronounce it. xD;
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:54 pm
I'm really sorry this went south Da-Eh D: If there is anything I can do let me know. sad *hugs*
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