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 Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 7:32 pm
First one ish a poem I had wrote for my girlfriend a while back. Heh, ironically I wrote this the day before she broke up with me...never got to have her read it...o well ehehe...
Cry not my beautiful maiden
Cease the waterfalls that pour from your muddy brown
The falls beat on my heart and the pain I cannot stand
Cry not my beautiful maiden
For from the moonlight I'll weave you a beautiful little dress
On the altar the night shall come as the icy rings bind our hearts
Cry not my beautiful maiden
For I shall be the light to shine through the night
And as time passes, from your core will spring forth a light snow
As she eventually comes of age she shall blow away...
In search for what we have now...
A poemy thingy I wrote up out of the blue ehehe. Yea it kinda represents my feelings about my girlfriend breaking up with me for no apparent reason ehe...
The white hair soaks, it becomes stained with blood.
His heart quivers, his body shakes.
The blood hails into his brain and it forms.
Now he is there to, and he wants to take hold.
He struggles, he does not want to be taken.
The white wants to shine but the blood is violent.
The red snow falls, the peach plummets from the tree.
His mind is taken, his heart crumbles away.
He turns his back on the light, and can only see the dark.
He looks down into the blackness and listens to the voices.
He can not hear the cries, he can not hear the pleading.
He can not hear the cheering, he can not hear the angels sing.
Please either give me a 1-10 (1 being bad and 10 being good) rating or leave some comments or critique or something! PLEASE!?
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Posted: Tue May 05, 2009 4:28 pm
quite deep, and the last one is dark-ish. The first one is, in my opinion, very good. the repitition brings it out more.
I've read worse, and better. To rate it....I'll give the first an 8, and the second...a 7. The second one, the meaning was sort of hard to find. I understand the perspective (you mentioned it, duh), but the real emotion was well hidden. In the end though, it was still good.
Hope this helps smile
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Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 10:34 am
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 12:13 am
Hmm. I think it's quite good. You shouldn't be shy of your poems though! For me, I don't really get the second poem's meaning, but i guess it's kind of personal, you know?
I'd admit if my boyfriend gives me this poem, I would be so touched!
I would give both a rating of 7.5 smile
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