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 Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 8:32 am
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku I'm probably a simi-lit role player at my best. I'd like to be at least close to literate as I can. My goal is at least three paragraphs per post. :3 Post an example and I'll see what I can do to assist you. :] Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin
Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look?
Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke. |
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Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:27 am
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mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.
Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D:
1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice.
2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it.
i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls."
Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid.
3. Don't explain the obvious.
Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case.
i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine."
4. The post seems to end abruptly.
It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now).
i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that."
Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area.
Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin |
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Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:01 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding."
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point. You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases. So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all?
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop |
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Posted: Thu Nov 04, 2010 5:01 pm
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point. You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases. So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all?
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop
No, no, no! Take your time! If anything, in an RP, I would normally try to anticipate what the other person was going to do and try to come up with my post in a notebook. When the time came to post, I would catch most spelling and grammatical errors. biggrin That may help you a bit. :3 |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 11:05 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point. You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases. So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all?
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop No, no, no! Take your time! If anything, in an RP, I would normally try to anticipate what the other person was going to do and try to come up with my post in a notebook. When the time came to post, I would catch most spelling and grammatical errors. biggrin That may help you a bit. :3
Okay, Here goes;;
A unknown girl's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. This strange character rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female trudged to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. Her mouth widened yawned, and she walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other children would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the child envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The lonely vampire had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
It's basically the smae, with a few changes :') |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 1:47 pm
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin
Nope! That's fine. Thanks for all the advice smile |
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Posted: Tue Nov 16, 2010 8:49 pm
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I see. I used to do that when I first started role-playing, because I used to be in Role-Plays when everyone would do that xD I never do that now, and I actually hate it when people god-mod. It's very annoying, and it usually goes against the Role-Plays rules anyway.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3 Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all?
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop No, no, no! Take your time! If anything, in an RP, I would normally try to anticipate what the other person was going to do and try to come up with my post in a notebook. When the time came to post, I would catch most spelling and grammatical errors. biggrin That may help you a bit. :3
A unknown girl's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. This strange character rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female trudged to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. Her mouth widened yawned, and she walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other children would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the child envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The lonely vampire had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
It's basically the smae, with a few changes :')
Nice changes, but for some reason I'm still having some issues with it. For the most part, when someone roleplays, the character is identified. You open this post up with a level of ambiguity. Again, I would consider making a few changes to the wording. instead of "She did this. She did that." try to see if "As she did this, she did that. Afterwards, she proceed to do the other thing." It takes away from the monotony of the reading.
Other than that, again, it looks fine. biggrin
If you would like to further lengthen your post, insert the occasional thought in italics between actions.
i.e. She trudged along the path, feeling the snow surround her feet. It's cold all of a sudden, that's quite unusual for this part of town... As she pondered upon that thought, a young boy covered head to toe ran up to her and tugged on her jacket sleeve.
It adds a little more depth and emotion to the character. |
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Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 8:14 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I see. I used to do that when I first started role-playing, because I used to be in Role-Plays when everyone would do that xD I never do that now, and I actually hate it when people god-mod. It's very annoying, and it usually goes against the Role-Plays rules anyway.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3 Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all?
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop No, no, no! Take your time! If anything, in an RP, I would normally try to anticipate what the other person was going to do and try to come up with my post in a notebook. When the time came to post, I would catch most spelling and grammatical errors. biggrin That may help you a bit. :3
A unknown girl's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. This strange character rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female trudged to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. Her mouth widened yawned, and she walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other children would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the child envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The lonely vampire had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
It's basically the smae, with a few changes :')Nice changes, but for some reason I'm still having some issues with it. For the most part, when someone roleplays, the character is identified. You open this post up with a level of ambiguity. Again, I would consider making a few changes to the wording. instead of "She did this. She did that." try to see if "As she did this, she did that. Afterwards, she proceed to do the other thing." It takes away from the monotony of the reading. Other than that, again, it looks fine. biggrin If you would like to further lengthen your post, insert the occasional thought in italics between actions. i.e. She trudged along the path, feeling the snow surround her feet. It's cold all of a sudden, that's quite unusual for this part of town... As she pondered upon that thought, a young boy covered head to toe ran up to her and tugged on her jacket sleeve. It adds a little more depth and emotion to the character.
Usually, I would have put another paragraph, starting with something like "The girl's name was ....", but I had forgotten to do that when I posted it xD I see. Okay, Thanks for the advice! 8D |
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Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 12:44 am
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made
Okay :') But it may take a while before I'm able to post it. I hope you don't mind! sweatdrop No, no, no! Take your time! If anything, in an RP, I would normally try to anticipate what the other person was going to do and try to come up with my post in a notebook. When the time came to post, I would catch most spelling and grammatical errors. biggrin That may help you a bit. :3
A unknown girl's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. This strange character rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female trudged to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. Her mouth widened yawned, and she walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other children would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the child envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The lonely vampire had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
It's basically the smae, with a few changes :')Nice changes, but for some reason I'm still having some issues with it. For the most part, when someone roleplays, the character is identified. You open this post up with a level of ambiguity. Again, I would consider making a few changes to the wording. instead of "She did this. She did that." try to see if "As she did this, she did that. Afterwards, she proceed to do the other thing." It takes away from the monotony of the reading. Other than that, again, it looks fine. biggrin If you would like to further lengthen your post, insert the occasional thought in italics between actions. i.e. She trudged along the path, feeling the snow surround her feet. It's cold all of a sudden, that's quite unusual for this part of town... As she pondered upon that thought, a young boy covered head to toe ran up to her and tugged on her jacket sleeve. It adds a little more depth and emotion to the character.
So this would serve as your intro post? In that case, yeah, your third paragraph would really complete it. Want to try to revise it again? biggrin And it really isn't a problem 3nodding |
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Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:41 am
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin
Hi again, just wondering what I should work on, overall. Now that I've seen your posts |
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Posted: Sun Nov 21, 2010 3:34 pm
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mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin Hi again, just wondering what I should work on, overall. Now that I've seen your posts
I've said everything that I felt needed editing in the above comment, that is, of course, only for your first example. If you would like to provide another example, I could give a more thorough and overall evaluation of what you should work on. biggrin ^^ |
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Posted: Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:00 pm
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin Hi again, just wondering what I should work on, overall. Now that I've seen your posts I've said everything that I felt needed editing in the above comment, that is, of course, only for your first example. If you would like to provide another example, I could give a more thorough and overall evaluation of what you should work on. biggrin ^^
Okay! I just feel like I'm bothering you sweatdrop
Nao walked along the cold streets of New York City. She shivered as a cold wind blew in from the west. It was around midnight, and yet, it looked like it was day. Bright lights, flickered around her, indicating that she was on Broadway. Nao turned the corner, into a dark ally. Glancing around, she pulled down a ladder from the building in the ally. She easily climbed up the ladder. At the top of the building, Nao stared down into the streets. The bright lights of the cars zoomed past the crowded streets. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail, breathing deeply as she prepared to jump. Nao unfurled her White speckled wings, about thirteen feet long. In a swift motion she dove towards the rough street below. She twitched her wings upwards, and she smoothly began gliding along the streets. Nao smiled and spread her arms out, feeling the cool breeze ruffle her feathers. A sudden chime of a bell made her head jerk up. Just a dream....I really miss it... Nao sighed and looked towards the door, just as a boy around fifteen entered "Hello, welcome to Ongaku, how can I help you?" She asked plainly. Nao longed for the feeling of the wind in her feathers. Nao tugged her jacket tighter, feeling her wings pressed against her back. |
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Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 10:51 am
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mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin Hi again, just wondering what I should work on, overall. Now that I've seen your posts I've said everything that I felt needed editing in the above comment, that is, of course, only for your first example. If you would like to provide another example, I could give a more thorough and overall evaluation of what you should work on. biggrin ^^ Okay! I just feel like I'm bothering you sweatdrop Nao walked along the cold streets of New York City. She shivered as a cold wind blew in from the west. It was around midnight, and yet, it looked like it was day. Prior sentence is unclear. Are we talking around early morning or is the place so illuminated that it gives the appearance of day? I would suggest using, "It was around midnight, but the streets were brightened by the lights of the city," and from there, continue the sentence to include where she is, "she was on Broadway, the place she had fond memories of." Bright lights, flickered around her, indicating that she was on Broadway. Nao turned the corner, into a dark ally. Glancing around, she pulled down a ladder from the building in the ally. She easily climbed up the ladder. At Consider "From" instead of "At." the top of the building, Nao stared down into the streets. The bright lights of the cars zoomed past the crowded streets. "...streets. ...streets. Avoid ending/beginning sequential sentences with the same word/phrase. Writing loses its flavor if you repeat things over and over. You may, however, use repetition to emphasize a point. i.e. "No!.. Just no!... The thought echoed through the boy's head." She pulled her hair back into a ponytail, breathing deeply as she prepared to jump. Nao unfurled her large, White speckled wings, about thirteen feet long. In a swift motion she dove towards the rough street below. Consider combining the last two sentences. "...wings and in a swift motion..." She twitched her wings upwards, and she smoothly began gliding along the streets. Nao smiled and spread her arms out, feeling the cool breeze ruffle through her feathers. A sudden chime of a bell made her head jerk up. Just a dream....I really miss it... Instead of going back to narration here, consider going deeper into how she's feeling. Try "She never felt that sort of freedom before" or something similar. Nao sighed and looked towards the door, just as a boy around fifteen entered "Hello, welcome to Ongaku, how can I help you?" She asked plainly. Nao longed for the feeling of the wind in her feathers. Nao tugged her jacket tighter, feeling her wings pressed against her back. Does she really have wings? Lacks a little clarity. Try "Nao tugged her jacket tighter, wishing to feel the freedom once again."
It's not a bother at all! biggrin ^^ You're here for help and that's what I'm (trying) to give you biggrin I'll just put my notes in red in the quote.
Overall, I would say it lacked clarity.The "about thirteen feet long" probably would sound better as either "large" or if you're looking for a slightly darker image, try the word "menacing" or even "intimidating."
If I would change anything about your style, it would be how stop and go your writing seems. The one part that stood out was "Nao unfurled her white speckled wings" The sentence ends somewhat abruptly and the following sentence seems that it should be combined with the thought. Other than that and the other notes, I find no flaw in it biggrin Grammar and punctuation were perfect. biggrin
Again, don't hesitate to ask for help! biggrin You're not a bother at all! |
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Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2010 11:27 am
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku Okay thanks, so what about this? I usually post like this in guilds, but I feel kind of illiterate when I post. Can you please take a look? Nao stayed still for another moment, silently pondering to herself. She was now more aware of the icy sensation from her feet. The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. Nao took a step away from the tavern and Rujin, pulling her hand away. She stepped off the curb, landing in deeper snow. Nao glanced towards the graveyard, a place where few people went to mourn their loved ones. It was said, that lost souls kidnapped people and killed them, to help them find their way to heaven. On top of the small hill in the graveyard, Nao could see her parents' graves. Another tear slid down her cheek, as she wished she could go visit their grave. But instead of going to the graveyard, Nao turned and faced Rujin. "That doesn't mean I'm happy." She said, her voice cracking as she spoke.Hm.. Going to go with a list format, sorry if it seems blunt, I'm not trying to be. D: 1. I was unsure if the post started outside or inside, but I'm sure if this is a 1x1 or even a group RP that the members would (should at any rate) be able to point that out. The way the post was written, it seemed like the paragraph starts from the outside and then she went into the tavern. Try to transition a little better if that's the case. A simple "They stepped into the tavern" would suffice, although not the best sentence choice. 2. I felt that "the tavern" was very plain. Try to paint a picture with it. i.e. "The warmth from inside the tavern warmed her frozen fingers a bit, letting her get some circulation into her fingers. The glow of the fire illuminated the room and painted silhouettes across the walls." Again, I'm not too sure if they even went inside the tavern the way the post was written. Be clear and make sure the image you're painting is vivid. 3. Don't explain the obvious. Just about everyone knows what a graveyard is. Expand on emotions felt, not what it is in this case. i.e. "Nao glanced towards the graveyard. Her heart sunk a bit and was heavy with sorrow as slight chills ran down her spine." 4. The post seems to end abruptly. It feels incomplete. I would probably go on to continue some form of a monologue (not as crazy as Shakespeare now). i.e. "... voice cracking as she spoke. She turned her head away from him and glanced towards her parents tombstones. She felt that she should tell Rujin about them, but no. She slightly shook her head combating her thoughts. No... That story is for another time... She looked back at him and continued, "It means anything but that." Other than that, the post seemed fine. Minimal grammatical errors. Spelling errors were nonexistent. I could feel some sense of emotion, but I think that you could've done better in that area. Hope this helps! biggrin You can try to revise this post and we can try going over it again if you'd like. biggrin Hi again, just wondering what I should work on, overall. Now that I've seen your posts I've said everything that I felt needed editing in the above comment, that is, of course, only for your first example. If you would like to provide another example, I could give a more thorough and overall evaluation of what you should work on. biggrin ^^ Okay! I just feel like I'm bothering you sweatdrop Nao walked along the cold streets of New York City. She shivered as a cold wind blew in from the west. It was around midnight, and yet, it looked like it was day. Prior sentence is unclear. Are we talking around early morning or is the place so illuminated that it gives the appearance of day? I would suggest using, "It was around midnight, but the streets were brightened by the lights of the city," and from there, continue the sentence to include where she is, "she was on Broadway, the place she had fond memories of." Bright lights, flickered around her, indicating that she was on Broadway. Nao turned the corner, into a dark ally. Glancing around, she pulled down a ladder from the building in the ally. She easily climbed up the ladder. At Consider "From" instead of "At." the top of the building, Nao stared down into the streets. The bright lights of the cars zoomed past the crowded streets. "...streets. ...streets. Avoid ending/beginning sequential sentences with the same word/phrase. Writing loses its flavor if you repeat things over and over. You may, however, use repetition to emphasize a point. i.e. "No!.. Just no!... The thought echoed through the boy's head." She pulled her hair back into a ponytail, breathing deeply as she prepared to jump. Nao unfurled her large, White speckled wings, about thirteen feet long. In a swift motion she dove towards the rough street below. Consider combining the last two sentences. "...wings and in a swift motion..." She twitched her wings upwards, and she smoothly began gliding along the streets. Nao smiled and spread her arms out, feeling the cool breeze ruffle through her feathers. A sudden chime of a bell made her head jerk up. Just a dream....I really miss it... Instead of going back to narration here, consider going deeper into how she's feeling. Try "She never felt that sort of freedom before" or something similar. Nao sighed and looked towards the door, just as a boy around fifteen entered "Hello, welcome to Ongaku, how can I help you?" She asked plainly. Nao longed for the feeling of the wind in her feathers. Nao tugged her jacket tighter, feeling her wings pressed against her back. Does she really have wings? Lacks a little clarity. Try "Nao tugged her jacket tighter, wishing to feel the freedom once again."It's not a bother at all! biggrin ^^ You're here for help and that's what I'm (trying) to give you biggrin I'll just put my notes in red in the quote. Overall, I would say it lacked clarity.The "about thirteen feet long" probably would sound better as either "large" or if you're looking for a slightly darker image, try the word "menacing" or even "intimidating." If I would change anything about your style, it would be how stop and go your writing seems. The one part that stood out was "Nao unfurled her white speckled wings" The sentence ends somewhat abruptly and the following sentence seems that it should be combined with the thought. Other than that and the other notes, I find no flaw in it biggrin Grammar and punctuation were perfect. biggrin Again, don't hesitate to ask for help! biggrin You're not a bother at all!
Thank you! smile |
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