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 Posted: Mon Oct 25, 2010 11:12 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 26, 2010 12:42 pm
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 1:41 am
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I'd like to learn how to add in more detail into my posts, so then I'll be able to write more. The most I can do right now is about three paragraphs, but I'd like to know how to write more, but with more detail, whether it be unneccassary or neccessary detail :3
So basically, I'd like help to make more detail, and help to be able to write more :'D Could I get an example? Maybe then I'll be able to assist.
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here?
Whichever works better for you. :3 |
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 8:42 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I'd like to learn how to add in more detail into my posts, so then I'll be able to write more. The most I can do right now is about three paragraphs, but I'd like to know how to write more, but with more detail, whether it be unneccassary or neccessary detail :3
So basically, I'd like help to make more detail, and help to be able to write more :'D Could I get an example? Maybe then I'll be able to assist.
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here?Whichever works better for you. :3
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :] |
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 10:55 am
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I'd like to learn how to add in more detail into my posts, so then I'll be able to write more. The most I can do right now is about three paragraphs, but I'd like to know how to write more, but with more detail, whether it be unneccassary or neccessary detail :3
So basically, I'd like help to make more detail, and help to be able to write more :'D Could I get an example? Maybe then I'll be able to assist.
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here?Whichever works better for you. :3
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]
Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding." |
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Posted: Wed Oct 27, 2010 6:52 pm
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 12:08 am
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:08 pm
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku I'm probably a simi-lit role player at my best. I'd like to be at least close to literate as I can. My goal is at least three paragraphs per post. :3 Post an example and I'll see what I can do to assist you. :]
Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. |
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Posted: Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:48 pm
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mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku I'm probably a simi-lit role player at my best. I'd like to be at least close to literate as I can. My goal is at least three paragraphs per post. :3 Post an example and I'll see what I can do to assist you. :] Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree.
Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. |
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Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2010 4:58 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made I'd like to learn how to add in more detail into my posts, so then I'll be able to write more. The most I can do right now is about three paragraphs, but I'd like to know how to write more, but with more detail, whether it be unneccassary or neccessary detail :3
So basically, I'd like help to make more detail, and help to be able to write more :'D Could I get an example? Maybe then I'll be able to assist.
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here?Whichever works better for you. :3
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding."
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . . |
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Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2010 7:47 pm
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xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku I'm probably a simi-lit role player at my best. I'd like to be at least close to literate as I can. My goal is at least three paragraphs per post. :3 Post an example and I'll see what I can do to assist you. :] Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive.
Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin |
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Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:20 am
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made Sure :3
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here? Whichever works better for you. :3
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding."
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .
The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point.
You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases.
So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with. |
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Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:21 am
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mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku xMikenno_Butaix mii jigoku I'm probably a simi-lit role player at my best. I'd like to be at least close to literate as I can. My goal is at least three paragraphs per post. :3 Post an example and I'll see what I can do to assist you. :] Emma walked through the thick forest. She felt odd in the dark forest. Her bright blond hair stood out like a speck of red in a cloud of black. The hairs on her arm bristled as a cold wind ripped through the woods, carrying an uncomfortable chill. Once in a while, Emma would here rustling in the small bushes around her, and see glowing eyes watching her every move. She couldn't help but feel that her life had been planned, from the moment she was born, to when, and how she was going to die. After a while, Emma sat down on the thick roots of a big oak that was said to be in the center of the forest. The sky had become unbelievably dark in the few minutes she had been walking. And almost on cue, her stomach pinched with hunger. Her bright blue eyes flickered from the dark shadows of the trees to a vole searching for food. For a moment, Emma couldn't help but wish she was out of this horrible place. She remembered her home, specifically in winter, as the first snowflakes began to fall. Where the snow was always four feet deep. Emma couldn't help but smile to herself as she remembered walking to school, and having fun with friends. But the happy thought quickly vanished when there was a low growl from the bushes in front of her. A black wolf slowly emerged from the shadows. But it didn't seem to notice her. Instead, it had it's eyes on the vole. Careful not to make a sound, or movement, Emma silently watched as it's prey was devoured by the savage animal. As the wolf began to walk away, it's attention focused on Emma. She slowly reached into her pocket and pulled out her pocket knife, that she had stolen earlier. As she opened it, the wolf's ears twitched slightly. It's eyes were filled with hunger, as it watched her every move. Emma slowly stood up, hoping she wouldn't alarm the dangerous beast. Instead, it seemed to notice her fear, and it walked away. It was only then Emma noticed how thin the wolf was. She felt a pang of pity as she sat back down under the tree. Same issue as Purely Made. You used "the forest" quite a few times, making it seem dull to me. Also, make sure you use the right forms of words, namely "hear" instead of "here." As far as expanding what you're writing, go more into detail. You've cut a possibly vivid experience into "watched as its prey was devoured by the savage animal." May I suggest "Emma silently stared as the beast picked the meat off the creature's bones. The cries of the vole echoed slightly through her ear." Even by going into just a little more detail, you add a certain mood to the paragraph. Expand on your vocabulary like I suggested earlier and watch out for using the wrong word. "It's" = "It is" "Its" = "It" possessive. Thank you! I'll work on that. I think the 'here' was simply just a typo. But thank you for helping me!! biggrin
Not a problem. Don't hesitate if you'd like more help. biggrin |
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Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:53 am
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xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made Sure :3
Should I PM it to you, Or just post it here? Whichever works better for you. :3
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding."
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point. You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases. So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with.
I see. I used to do that when I first started role-playing, because I used to be in Role-Plays when everyone would do that xD I never do that now, and I actually hate it when people god-mod. It's very annoying, and it usually goes against the Role-Plays rules anyway.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3 |
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Posted: Sun Oct 31, 2010 10:47 am
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Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made xMikenno_Butaix Purely Made
Okay, I'll just post it here :3
Here goes;
The female's eyes flew open. The harsh beeping of an alarm clock rang in her ears. She lifted herself up with her arms, and looked down at the clock. The time was 7 a.m. She groaned, and rolled out of bed. She rubbed her eyes gently, and walked down the spiral staircase. The girl rummaged through the fridge, and found what she was looking for. She threw back and chair, and flopped onto it. The eerie silence that surrounded her as she ate was unsettling. In most houses, there were parents talking, Children arguing, a T.V blaring in the background. All that could be heard in the girl's house was the crunching of food in her mouth. She walked up to the dishwasher, and placed her bowl into it. Her seemingly bored expression didn't help to explain why she was alone in the house.
The female stomped to her room, her snow-white hair floating behind her. Her skin seemed to be slightly transparent, and her eyes were of a crystal blue. She didn't seem to be a normal teenage girl. She yawned, and walked to her closet. As she got changed, she couldn't help but wonder what other kids would do in the morning. Maybe they would talk with their parents, go meet up with friends, go to see their lover. How the girl envied them. You see, she wasn't normal. She was a vampire. As strange and unbelievable as that sounds, it was true. The food she had been eating . . well, you really don't want to know what that actually was. She lived alone in the house, her human parents having died centuries ago. She was alone. No brothers or sisters. No one to keep her company. The female had been alive too long to have wanted to grow bonds with humans. She had soon realized that she would just see them wither away, and yet she would have to stay alive forever.
Aaannnd, I can't think of anything else now D: btw, I like to RP as supernatural people, that's why the character is a vampire :]Hm. First thing that I noticed was the use of "The female" several times. Consider finding different phrases for that to avoid sounding repetitive. I enjoyed how much detail you've put in. I really could picture the image you were trying to get across. I could sense the emotion that you were trying to portray with the girl's solitude. Another note on diction. The word "stomped" doesn't seem right. Maybe trudged would be a better word suggestion. As far as adding more length to it, I would probably delve deeper into who she is if this is an intro post to an RP. If it's a post after the introductions and such, I would probably try to find some way to interact with the other characters in the RP, but of course staying within the boundaries of "no godmodding."
Okay :3 I'll try to find different phrases for things, so that they're not repetitive in the future. Yes, I thought that stomped wasn;t quite the right word, but I honestly couldn't think of anything else xD Hmm, Okay :3 Thank you! :'D But there's one more thing that bothers me though. It's that when I interact with other characters, I find it hard to write as much as the other people (like some people can write 5 paragraphs,even if they're just interacting), because I find it hard to add as much detail when I'm interacting than when I write the introduction . . .The thing you have to keep in mind when you're interacting is not to take control of your RP partner's character. For example, say that I'm RPing as "Bob" and my partner is RPing as "Mary." My post should never include the phrase "Mary (insert verb)" unless it's a blatantly obvious reaction (use at your own digression). I often find it difficult interacting as well since you're very limited on what you should post in higher level RPs. The least I can say is detail again. Choose your wording wisely. For example, "She smacked him." vs. "She raised her hand and brought it down swiftly, hitting him across the cheek." Although a relatively simple example, it illustrates the point. You'll find your own voice as you RP more and you'll find out what style fits you the best. Personally, I love the detail, but when there's a certain need for emphasis, I'll use shorter phrases. So, all in all, just try adding a bit more detail, avoid using plain "subject verb receiver" sentences, and try to find what style fits you and you're comfortable with.
I understand. I'll try working on how I word my phrases :3
I quite like detail as well, but sometimes I just forget to add more sometimes. Hmm. Okay, I'll try hard to find what style fits me, and what I'm comfortable with.
Thank you for helping me! :3
Not a problem! Don't hesitate to ask for more help if you need it! Would you like to try to revise your post and see if that improves it at all? |
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