|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:13 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 9:54 pm
 |
|
|
|
SeraphimDiablos I still have deep feelings for her. I know I do. But with how we are right now - she hurts me. Badly. No matter what she says or does. And the fact that I'm hurting is hurting her, as guilt. She doesn't understand how badly I'm hurt. I don't understand the way she's hurt. We're separated right now - but at the rate my emotions are flying, I might go talk to her in a week. I'd love to be best buddies with her and more, but I can't do it right now.
She feels guilty for what she did to you? GOOD. She should feel guilty! Cheating is not right. Dumping you for someone else and expecting you not to show or talk about your hurt because it might make her feel guilty is not right. Diablos, please don't feel guilty for the fact that SHE'S having to deal with the consequences of some pretty crappy actions on her part. If you're interested in my two cents, here it is...My advice (based, admittedly, on only one experience, but a very painful one) is: don't force yourself to be friends with her if your feelings won't let you. Believe me, I know for a FACT that sometimes being friends with someone you love who doesn't love you back (or who chooses someone else over you all.the.time!) is the worst thing you can do because it only breaks your heart more.
Story time! I don't know if you remember my rantings from other threads in this guild (especially the relationship-type ones), but the experience of which I speak is when I fell in love with the guy who had been my best friend since eighth grade (and I was in my second year of grad school when all of this happened, starting about three years ago). We'll call him "Stinky." He said he wanted to be "more than friends but nobody's ready to call the caterers," but as soon as that happened, he started treating me like LESS than a friend. He ignored me most of the time, constantly chose to spend time with people he LIVED with instead of me, excluded me from events I used to be invited to, repeatedly gave me the brush-off, and also subtly tried to control me. Finally I woke up and dumped him, and even though he was a complete jerk, it was the most painful decision I've ever made.
I was really really really really really in love with this guy...but even though dumping him was a decision I STILL struggle with because my feelings for him were so strong, I knew that it was the right thing to do for my own health. And on the day I dumped Stinky, we agreed that we were still going to be friends...but after I went home, I realized that there was NO WAY I could continue being friends with him. The heartache was too pronounced, and the relationship FAR too unhealthy, since he pulled almost ALL of the crap I talked about in the previous paragraph even before we were in a "relationship." So I completely quit talking to him. I've heard that he has a new girlfriend now, and apparently he treats her better than he treated me. I'm still dealing with the emotional fallout from his BS, but I'm getting better. In some areas I'm actually having to reteach myself how to think for myself and not always seek some guy's approval.
TL;DR version (sorry for the novel; relationships and breakups are topics I can blather about nonstop even though my experience is LAUGHABLY limited): My relationship was BAD (not abusive in the traditional sense, but it still really messed me up inside because I think I actually became codependent), and even though I wanted to be friends with Stinky after I broke up with him, I realized I couldn't. Sanity and independence are better by far than trying to hold on to what cannot be, and being reminded every day of somebody who broke your heart. Don't worry too much if you don't think you'll be able to carry on a friendship with the girl who broke your heart...there's no such thing as a clean break, but sometimes the best thing you can do to heal from a heartbreak is to move on completely. At least, that's how it's been in my experience. Oh, and my little rant also goes along with what Chibi said: It's okay to want to know where you stand in a relationship, and don't be with ANYBODY who doesn't want to admit that you are their significant other and not just a "friend" or a "kind of more than a friend." Plus, as Chibi put it, do you really want to be with a girl who cheats on you and thinks it's okay to have two guys at the same time? (Or one who will be ticked off at YOU for being heartbroken even though she was the one treating you like dirt?) That kind of behavior (hers, not yours) strikes me as kind of...abusive. She may not hit you, but from what you've posted, it seems like she breaks your heart and then expects you to be okay with it just because (she claims) it was hard having to choose between you and New Guy. Not knowing you personally or knowing the situation in full, I must admit that her behavior/words seem awfully manipulative, and manipulation is a tactic that emotional abusers just LOVE to use. *knows this from experience with a toxic friend who loved emotional blackmail* (And by the way, even many abusers will be the first to tell you that they "love" the person that they're hurting; that doesn't make their behavior any less wrong, and it doesn't mean you have to take it even though you may be in love with the one who hurts you.) I can't imagine how much you must be hurting right now...I know you love her, but sometimes it's best to cut off contact with GFs/exes who treat you badly. Anyway...my experiences are very minor compared to being cheated on, and certainly compared to what people who are abused physically rather than just emotionally go through, but I hope my babbling helps anyway...or at least gave you something amusing to read. blaugh |
 |
|
|
|
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:19 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 11:53 pm
|
|
|
|
In the end, I think you should do what you think is right as far as being her friend goes...but don't forget to take care of yourself too. 3nodding
If it makes you feel any better, I'm still not over Stinky...and it's been over two years since I've talked to him! Even though now I think, "What in the world did I ever see in him???," I still get hung up sometimes on how he used to be way back in high school and early college, before he became the jerk I dumped. But then I remember that he IS the jerk I dumped and that I would be even worse off if I were still in his orbit, constantly racking my brains trying to figure out what I could do to get him to treat me better. Kind of like that old Billy Ray Cyrus song: "I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Almost Like You're Here!" (This is a real song, believe it or not! blaugh )
It really does take time to get over someone, especially someone you've loved a long time, and especially if that person has helped you through rough times before. Stinky was a really good friend in the beginning. In fact, he taught me how to be a real friend (and how to MAKE real friends) during a time when I had gotten thoroughly sick of being a "mean girl" and was just ready for real friendship. But one thing to remember is that even though Stinky--and your ex too--may have been perfect for us in the past, doesn't make the things they did AFTER that any less jerky. And again...it takes time. Lots and lots of time. Like I said, I'm STILL re-learning how to think for myself in some areas, and it's been two years since I talked to the creep. (I never compromised my opinions on the Big Issues, i.e. "religion, politics, and the Great Pumpkin," but in everything else I pretty much lost my identity because I was trying to please Stinky. I really worried that he wouldn't approve of me if I actually started expressing my own opinions...and indeed, when I did start getting more girly and a little more outspoken on certain things, he complained that he felt like he didn't know me anymore. rolleyes ) But it's just one of those things that you just have to get through one day at a time...and every day, believe it or not, it gets just a tiny bit easier. If you're anything like me, you'll have relapses where all the pain still feels raw, but it does get better.
And also, maybe talking to her/not talking to her is something that should be taken one day at a time. All of your heartache is still recent; the wounds might be too new for you to make any major-league decisions just yet. I know I made it sound like I decided right away not to talk to Stinky anymore, but it was really a very gradual thing. He e-mailed me a week after I dumped him...and I was busy because the school year was just starting. I told myself I would answer when I felt like dealing with it...but then, every time I read that message, I realized that it was just the same old crap I'd been dealing with, and I just didn't have the energy for it anymore. So...I just let it go. The last time I IMed him was when I sent him a two-word "Happy Birthday" message on his birthday that year...and then a few days later, he sent me a gripe-o-gram. (He really loved to complain. A lot. xp ) And by that time, I really did have nothing to say to him anymore. But I didn't arrive at that conclusion overnight, and probably, neither will you. Whether you decide to patch things up with your ex as a friend or decide to quit talking to her altogether, the decision will probably come gradually. Just remember, like I said, to take care of yourself and your own mental/emotional well-being. Toxicity, be it in a friendship or a relationship (I have experienced both), really drains you, and you have to remember that you don't "deserve" that kind of treatment. It's hard (REALLY HARD!!!) to put a stop to toxic relationships and friendships, but you can't let them continue to poison you forever either. I know that sounds contradictory to what I've been saying, but it makes sense in a weird way. blaugh
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:22 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sat Jan 07, 2012 12:33 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2012 8:17 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun Jan 08, 2012 11:08 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Jan 09, 2012 7:42 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:21 pm
|
|
|
|
SeraphimDiablos LilChibiusa I'm glad that you can at least talk now. This is random, but are those the talismans from Jackie Chan Adventures in your sig? Hellz yeah they are! Real ones. XD I dunno I found them on imgur. We're friends again. Flirty friends. xD I warned her I don't know the difference between dangerously flirting and flirting dangerously. I'm bad at it c: Mostly, all I feel right now is a lot of jealousy.
I would be careful about the flirting. You might be setting yourself up for more heartache. sweatdrop
I used to watch Jackie Chan Adventures all the time. I loved that show! xd I want the rabbit and rooster talismans so I can go supersonic to work and miss the morning commute traffic. blaugh |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:28 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:23 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Jan 11, 2012 8:07 pm
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:18 am
|
|
|
|
Okay then, who needs her? Look, I know you may like her, but what she did and who she is is her decision. You can't fix her, no matter how much you may want to. I know this sounds harsh, but Chibi can tell you that I'm not known for being subtle. She chose to do you wrong. All you can do is tell her that it hurt you and hope she listens to what you say. If she does, great, but don't trust her with your heart again. If not, then there is nothing you can do to change her.
I guess I may as well have a little story time, too. And I know Chibi wants to know. I recently started dating a guy I work with. We met last May, and we totally hit it off. We share the same interests, the same hobbies, and we even have a similar (rather warped and perverted) sense of humor. What's more, we both have our dark areas in our pasts, but we each make the other want to be a better person. He says he feels free to be just himself around me, and he makes me feel warm and protected.
That said, we have both agreed to take this relationship very slow. Both of us have been hurt and seen others hurt by just diving in. So, as Alvinette said, guard your heart. But be careful that you don't build the wall so thick and high that you miss real love when it knocks at the door.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:39 am
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
