Night

• Artist: Tiar 1
• Description: This is my first poem, please tell me how bad it was
• Date: 07/13/2010
• Tags: night

The night was pitch black and the moon was full
no other person dared stand in the way of the patrol
with one final twinkle the star finally fell
nothing more was protecting sweet innocent Bell

Comments

[Atheshya]

(continued from below) Also, while using names in poems can be okay (usually when repeated throughout the poem to replace or supplement the ambiguous 'you'), 'Bell' was clearly only used here for the rhyme. This is good for a first poem though, and of course with more practice you're sure to improve. I hope I was helpful!

[Atheshya]

One thing to note in the future is that rhymes are not the *only* way to carry a poem. Writing detailed descriptions to provide a strong image in the reader's mind and stringing words that sound nice together are some other things to try. The third line is pretty nice, but it would sound better if it was arranged a bit more naturally (i.e. 'the star fell with one final twinkle'). As it is, you're trying to hard to get a rhyme. (continued above...)

[threadmeopen]

uhhhhh sooo nice