• I'm at her house again.

    Working as always for collage money that I don't want.

    She starts talking about something but...

    Why don't I want to listen?



    She keeps talking.

    I go for the bathroom thinking,

    "I can sit on the chair in there." But...

    Why do I want to do that?



    I lock the door and I sit on the chair.

    She continues to talk and I ignore her.

    I stare at the bathmat and my shoes and I am griping the chair but...

    Why do my hands hurt so much?



    She goes on.

    I respond in ways that I think will make her leave.

    She doesn't leave and goes on but...

    Why is the black suddenly blurry?



    She finally leaves for her room.

    I stare at the floor that continues to blur.

    I finally realize I am crying but..

    Why do my tears burn so much?



    I take off my glasses.

    My tears have stained the lences.

    I stare at them for a while then look in the mirror but...

    Why am I suddenly feeling so sad?



    I go on staring at my reflection.

    I wish I could break it.

    That may free me but...

    Why do I want that?



    What do I want?

    Where would I find it?

    How would I get it? ...But...

    Why do I want it in the first place?



    ...I realize why I am crying.

    Because I've realized I am utterly alone.

    My friends are like butterflies in my mind but...

    Why do I think that?



    ...They are that way entirely.

    They want nectar and flit near me.

    When it is gone they will leave me.

    There are no doubts about this.



    I realize that someone may open my heart someday.

    ...But I have fears about it.

    I know I am alone but...

    Why am I now like this when it use to be different?



    I have died inside at some point.

    I feel like I am drowning and reaching toward the surface for help.

    But no one will save me.

    ...Maybe that is why I am cold.



    In my heart are chains covering it and locked tight.

    Someone someday may come with the key.

    They will want to open it but...

    Why do I hate that thought?



    ...I love nothing.

    There is only hate and tolerance.

    ...And there is another thought that comes the the surface.

    I love no one and most likely never will.


    I think I will forever be alone but...

    Why do I reject the thought of possibly being saved one day?



    Why do I think like this?



    .....Why do I think it would be best if I vanished one day never to return?



    ................Because I feel... I won't be missed.


    Not...

    ...At...

    ...All...