• Is it worth it?
    I don’t think it’s worth it.

    When I wake up, I think today, am I going to be reminded of the past like yesterday?
    Do you really want me to act sane?
    Do you even believe I am still sane?
    Or am I just in too much pain.
    Even now, I can’t understand human,
    The way they act,
    The way they speak, to me it’s all s**t, just leaked.
    It’s everywhere now,
    Everyone is ‘human’,
    But, I can’t possibly be human.
    Rewind my life,
    You will see,
    Let’s see if you would be any different,
    You would be worse than me,
    Wouldn’t have lasted as much as I am.

    The feeling I feel is like I’m still there,
    But everything is frozen,
    In a still motion and I just stare,
    As if it was all chosen,
    As if it was a test,
    And now I have rosin,
    Or maybe my head just needs a rest.
    It’s all like a black fog,
    I’m doing this for your sake,
    I hate seeing her so vulnerable, my dog,
    But I have to make it all fake.

    I get butterflies, the nervous ones,
    When I’m reminded some how of it.
    It’s as if when I was there,
    I got this feeling, like someone is strangling me,
    As if I’m going to be stuck there,
    It will always be with me though, those memories. I am strangling, you just can’t see it all that well.
    Save me, save me from this place I would say,
    looking at the sky every night, but I don’t get a reply.
    It’s a bad feeling, not a right feeling.
    I never knew people got treat the way I got treated. I couldn’t do much when people came and were intimidating to me or my family. Every now and then I want to light them on fire. I can’t though.

    But things happen.


    They tell me it’s not a big deal, people go through worse. It is hard to change from a life with a halo, to a life with a ring of fire. I never knew how cruel some are, till about five years ago. Crap happen the first week I was there.
    I was scared. I just ran.
    After a few fast heart beating clips I moved my stuff from my current room, into my parent’s room;
    At the back of the house.
    I felt safer there, but felt bad that my guardians where now there. The older child didn’t care too much, resting at the front of the place. It made things easier.
    I wanted to just scream, so loud, wouldn’t care if it hurt, it wouldn’t of made a difference.
    When I was still a kid, life was rewarding.
    Felt like nothing could stop me from feeling the way I did.
    In those days, nothing could.
    Now anything and everything can.
    Do you ever get that feeling were you seem to be the only one that has ever thought a certain something? I think we all do. I know I do.
    Stuff can be good, or bad.
    For me, it’s all the same, all bad.
    I get a feeling sometimes, like the creatures that ruined me, have come back to disturb me again.



    You cut me inside,
    Left to right,
    Back and forth.
    No wonder I have a disease,
    You have let the dark things come inside of me when you Cut me inside,
    Left to right,
    Side to side.
    Look what you have done to me.
    I see nothing but scares,
    But you cannot see these scars.
    You are too evil,
    You will never see the scars you have drawn on me.
    You think it’s not a big deal.
    It is a big deal though.

    I think humans don’t deserve to live.
    They don’t respect or be kind, they just spit and tease.

    I am strong, but fragile.
    I am tougher, yet weaker.
    I am sane, almost insane.
    I am, I don’t know what I am anymore.

    You come to my place.
    Then tease me,
    A piece of s**t is what I feel,
    Make me timid,
    I don’t give you the smokes,
    You get mad.
    I get worried.
    You kick my window,
    I call for help,
    You run away,
    I will then see you again.
    When you do come back,
    I confront you, you deny it.
    I get angry.
    I yell at you,
    You storm out and come back later.
    It’s too late then, its too late now,
    I cannot do anything by the time the pieces are shattered on the ground. My heart joins in, falling to the ground just like a shattered glass pane.


    This is what happens every weekend.
    I stare at you,
    You look at me,
    You seem insecure,
    I hope you are,
    Get out already,
    Get out of my God damn place.
    You seriously think that you can get away with all you’ve done. Guess what? You really can’t, it’s impossible really, when you mess with me, your messing with a metal photo frame, your words go right through me, but only hits me on the edges. I have an invisible gun, already aiming at your head, I just haven’t touched the trigger all that much.

    When you touch me, I bruise.
    When you look at me, I get blinded.
    When you speak to me, I can’t here anything but your sinful voice.
    When you walk towards me, I get pushed back, far away.
    When you hurt me, I want to hurt you back.

    You think this is a game.
    I don’t want to play.
    But if you insist.
    You say it’s my go,
    Well give me a gun and I win.
    It’s all over now, I think it’s all over.
    I wish I could say that,
    It’s too good to be true though.

    I’m only going to stay here for my love one’s sake.
    I’m going to make sure you won’t hurt them any longer.
    This isn’t going to happen much longer.

    Just stop already,
    You’re going too deep,
    You pushing me into the blades you put down for me.
    What will happen if I turn things around and you get slowly pushed into the sharp wounding weapon?
    What will happen then? Will you survive?
    I’ll make sure you do, just so we can do it all over again.
    I am who I am,
    But what is that again?
    I am a confused one.
    You made me like this,
    But why did you make me like this?
    Didn’t you know you will get punished?
    You will, I promise you.

    You want something you can’t have. I follow the rules, it’s quit simple. Why can’t you just follow along? Why so difficult?
    Look at what you have become, from a kid that use to eat his vegies, to a d**k head that injects himself with slow death.

    You made me who I am.
    I think differently now.
    I even see black and white.
    You are the devil’s sins,
    All scattered for me to destroy.
    You talked me into it.
    Now I feel sorry for you.
    You will not live much longer.
    Your personality will only last much long.

    I have gotten fed up with your bullshit by this time,
    Next time, I’m hoping there won’t be a next time.
    But if there is, I am waiting for you,
    I always will be,
    With my invisible gun,
    I can see the picture in my head,
    You don’t even see me,
    Then I push the button with pride,
    You’re gone in seconds,
    It’s my dream come true,
    And spit on your wasteful body,
    Your now gone, and I am happy,
    I pray this would happen,
    I pray every night,
    But in the end, it still won’t be the end.
    You started your tagging range,
    Don’t think I can’t see you,
    He ran after you,
    Caught you, but you got away,
    The devil gave you power,
    He tried to stop the power from getting all his energy,
    He failed though,
    When he rises again,
    I can see now,
    The red, pure goodness gushing out of him,
    It falls and surrounds the concrete with pureness,
    I can see colour coming out of him,
    He looses his goodness,
    All because of this devil’s p***k friend,
    I am now asleep with the other guardian,
    But with the absents of the father I feel so small and weak.
    Why did you make this all happen?
    Didn’t you see how empty I feel?

    Now I’m all alone,
    I’m waiting for you,
    When will you come?
    I don’t know how long I can stay,
    So hurry and take me away.

    You have forced yourself upon me,
    I don’t want you, I never did,
    Just leave me alone,
    You’re hurting me, hurting me inside and out,
    You left me hear to suffer.
    This is not fair, not fair at all.




    When you look at me,
    What do you see?
    Does it seem to you that I’m free?
    I am hiding.
    Can’t anybody find me?
    I’m not speaking.
    You should be finding.
    You should be seeking.
    I am here.
    I am gone.
    I am alive.
    I am dead
    I am warm.
    I am cold.
    I am looking.
    I am blinded.
    I am one thing to the other.
    The good, I was, the bad, I am.

    Hear me now.
    Hear me shout.
    Hear me bleed.
    Hear me tare.
    Hear me calling you.
    Hear me whisper in pain.
    Hear me say it.
    Hear me speak would you?
    Hear me, hear all of me.
    All should be heard.

    Feel my pain.
    Feel my fake smile.
    Feel my suffering.
    Feel my emptiness.
    Feel my anger.
    Feel my scars.
    Feel my hands.
    Feel my arms.
    Feel my feelings.
    You just might go insane.

    Put it all in a box.
    Hide that bit.
    But make sure it locks.
    Make sure it’s lite.
    All gone, all your mocks.
    It smelt bad as old socks.