WORLD

• Artist: Nikorruu
• Description: It is about the world.
• Date: 10/10/2009
• Tags: world

In the old times,
The world is free
Always new , wild, lovely and free
You can see everything, animals or tree
Objects moving quietly but willingly

The waters would open up,
Full of fishes, deeply pretty and so wealthy
You could see your face so clearly
That when you step, it was so happy

Then the people learned
Everything that is not good
They thought of illegal ways
And put to waste those lovely days

The world that we have always dreamed of,
Now is not very good,
It now has gases on earth,
And all we could see was all cutted trees

The people ignored,
They let bad things free,
Pain and suffering was all we could see,
That when one will cry, they just let the sound die

Now what we must do,
Create a good do,
Let all men know,
That world is them to save

That all creations must help,
Or else they will wept,
No one will fix for us,
But us for us.

So that when one day,
When another tree is cut
And you will realize you care,
We could see a sun that rise.

Comments

[vardofive]

Your tenses are all messed up. "In the old times, The world is free" should be: In the old times, The world WAS free. i like and agree with the sentiment though.

[luis mule 12]

deep awspme

[float13456]

wow,i can't write that kind of poem

[Nikorruu]

Thank you so much for your feedback and advice! smile

[mmelty]

It seemed like you were too caught up in making it rhyme, so it made it difficult to read it freely. I found myself pausing often while reading it, because the flow was choppy. I would re-write it.

[Cherry Blossom Writings]

You can't just leave words out. Even small words like the or it. As for the rhyming, I believe that was the worst part of this whole poem. It took away from so much. Not all poems need to rhyme. In fact some of the best poems don't rhyme. In my opinion you should go back and rewrite this because it is a great concept to write about. It just can be executed in a better way. 3/5

_Kayame_