I won't break down

• Artist: Unravelling
• Description: I'm not sure where I'm going with this song... It's unfinished, but I'm a little stuck... Constructive criticism only, please.
  
• Date: 06/24/2009
• Tags: wont break down scream love

I'm not gunna break down
And cry for you
I'm not gunna break down
And scream for your love

I don't know who you are
Or what you do
I don't know where to start
Should I follow you?

I can't breathe
You took my sanity
Took it away from me
I can't sleep
I think of you constantly
Just leave me be

Comments

[2pound]

sentences where ideas aren't expanded, just touched upon: breaking down how? cry for who, how, and why? why 'scream for your love'? it's not passionate because it's abstract >> love: we don't know what that is (love like a mother, brother, father, wife, son, daughter, friend? show us with actions and imagery "love splits like paper into your hear-shaped paper-shredder" that shows a heartbroken person by this other 'paper-shredding' person, with an image of a heart-shaped paper-shredder.

[Taste of a Raindrop]

Okay, this is sad but well written poem. For the most part. I'm unsure of your rhyme scheme in this poem (I'm assuming you have one since you have rhyming lines), so I won't address that. However, gunna isn't a word. It would be gonna. Also, because you added a punctuation mark (?), you have to add punctuation marks to the other lines where they are necessary to make it grammatically correct. Good work! ^_^