Raiu

• Artist: Hoarfrost Dirge
• Description: Something that comes to my mind whenever it rains.
  (Note: Raiu means thunderstorm in Japanese.)
• Date: 06/09/2009
• Tags: raiutomhartrainstorm

"Lightning crackle, thunder roar."
"Let it rain and pour once more."
"Water fall down from this sky."
"And quench the desserts thirst so dry."
"Wind transform from breeze to gale."
"Do chill the water to an icy scale."
"To wash away all that cause us to mourn."
"Bring forth this furious yet wondrous storm."

-Koma

Comments

[Hoarfrost Dirge]

Hmm that does work a lot better for it
thanks.

[PoeticDarkAngel]

I like it alot, just shorten some of the lines up a bit. Toward the end it get a bit wordy and that messes up the cadence of this style of poetry.

I suggest:
"Do chill the water to icy scale."
"Wash away what cause us 'to' mourn."
"Bring forth your furious yet wondrous scorn"

Other than shortening i said scorn cause storm is in the title. Though storm works. Great poem i give it a 4/5.