A Lovely Haunting!

• Artist: cupcake_ninja08
• Description: This is poem based on corspe who was murdered by the one she loved. So she rises from the grave to provoke her revenge, but ends up finding him sad and in worse case than she was ever. So she makes a deal with him for him to take his life upon her grave. It is a sad poem...and I know not every part rhymes, but that is how I wanted to write it! So please review and comment!
• Date: 03/31/2009
• Tags: lovely haunting

I feel the frozen wood of my coffin,
creak and crack under the weight of earth.
My frozen limbs reach out towards the sun,
yearning for the one that I loved.

I lie dead and still in my pain in misery...
Remembering what my love did to me.
That dark frozen night, when my blood will spill.
For the murderous one that I love still.

Although I am dead...
I still feel a haunting dread.
A memory of blood...
and all that I have lost.

I smile trying to remember my late love's name,
the one that had torn my heart out all bloody and maimed.
I rise out of my coffin, in that dark frozen night with a scythe...
Waiting for a time just right to end that fool's life!

I found my love crying in despair over what he had done,
So found it in myself to give him one more shot under the sun.
I made a deal that I will not torment him anymore...
If he went to my grave and begged my love once more!

He went to my grave to beg for my love,
but instead he slit open his throat.
Now we are both dead and happy as can be in our little coffin,
His lesson was learned.
Now he will know that love will haunt him forever
here underneath the earth!

Comments

[cupcake_ninja08]

thanks!

[Hamsterz]

owh.. this is also nice like the other 1 dat i read.. good job girl!!

[cupcake_ninja08]

thanks for the constructive criticism...I fixed it already!

[Atheshya]

(cont'd from below) You could also have just had bleed and need be the endwords of the two lines, and put the heart think toward the beginning of one of those lines. Just a suggestion for any revision you might do.

[Atheshya]

Good concept, but I find it weird that you stop rhyming in some parts, presumably because you can't think of a way to make it rhyme and tell the story, but other times your rhymes are so forced that I'm surprised you bothered to rhyme in those parts at all - "I no longer bleed and I no longer need,
but my heart feels like a growing seed." The first line there was good, but the second could have been worded a lot better if you weren't trying so hard to rhyme.

[cupcake_ninja08]

PLEASE READ AND COMMENT!