• I listened to the heartbeat
    ta-thump-ta-thump
    her head leaned against my chest
    I stroked her long blonde hair
    that soon may be gone
    her frail hand
    placed in mine
    looked tiny
    everything about her
    it seemed fragile
    afraid I would break it
    but I knew
    I could never break her spirit

    I pushed her on the swing
    where I had swung her many times before
    my heart, it ached
    ached to tell her everything
    she should have known before

    Her eyes
    oh how they shone
    they shone like a million raindrops
    sparkling against her strong spirit
    nothing could break her
    not even what was inside of her

    I saw mommy crying
    in the living room
    with her I sat down
    words were not necessary
    we both had the same thing
    laid on our hearts
    I grabbed her hand
    afraid to cry,
    but I did,
    because
    Little Kaila’s cancer…
    was confirmed

    I held her hand
    in the cold hospital room
    kids younger then Kaila
    played together, laughing
    Kaila
    I asked one day
    are you afraid?
    Kaila held a stuffed bear I got her
    for her birthday when she was 3
    in her small hand
    promise you won’t tell mommy?
    she asked quietly
    I was confused,
    why?
    she looked up
    her blue eyes penetrating mine
    forcing the words out of my mouth
    I promise
    Kaila sighed
    I am, but mommy needs me to be strong
    for her, I can’t let her see how scared I am.
    I closed my eyes for a second
    Kaila was so wise
    for just a little 7 year old girl

    Sissy?
    Kaila asked one day
    we were laying in her bed together
    her long hair
    was sitting on the bedside table
    her head was in a purple hat
    her favorite color
    she said purple was relaxing
    Yes?
    I asked, I longed to be stroking her long hair
    just like the old days,
    where we had no cares in the world
    Will you tell me that story? Just one more time?
    I raised my eyebrows
    again?
    I knew exactly what story she was talking about
    it had always been her favorite
    when she was a baby
    I would tell her it every night
    untill it lolled her asleep
    I would keep adding things
    my story never was complete
    What do you want me to add?
    she leaned against me
    add a storm,
    and add a sister
    a lovely sister
    one with honey colored hair
    I smiled at her,
    she always had the best ideas
    I nodded
    OK.
    I took a breath and started the story

    and I added the storm
    and the lovely sister
    and I added a prince
    and I added honey colored hair
    and a ball
    and I added everything Kaila loved
    unicorns
    ice cream
    love
    you name it, it was in there
    and I continued untill
    I heard her heartbeat
    ta-thump-ta-thump
    once again

    Kaila?
    I asked again one day
    she was once again in the hospital room
    she had just went through more treatment
    I knew she was tired
    but I wanted to talk to her more
    she didn’t answer
    Kaila, do you want me to leave?
    her eyes blinked open
    no, no
    stay here. I want you with me
    she moved her hand so I could sit beside her
    yes sissy?
    she asked, her voice a whisper
    it was late at night
    but mommy still hadn’t shown up
    how are you?
    she smiled
    I loved her smile
    and I think she new it,
    it was her way of telling me
    no sissy, I haven’t given up
    I’m fine. how are you?
    I’m lovely if your OK.
    she didn’t smile this time, it worried me
    no.
    she said quietly
    I mean, how are you doing?
    I felt like someone had slapped me
    she knew, she knew
    that’s all I could think of

    ever since Kaila had gotten cancer
    I was worried about her
    I spent nights, crying, wondering
    why this had happened to such a sweet girl
    I felt like I had been betrayed

    No!
    I had screamed one night
    Kaila, you can’t leave me
    I will miss you
    you are my all
    you hold me here.
    you could climb to the mountain peaks
    and I would be there, with you
    why does this happen?

    I looked back at Kaila
    her once shining eyes
    were now tired and dull
    not sparkling with life and rest
    like before
    I’m doing bad Kaila
    I said quietly
    blinking back tears
    why do you have to have cancer?
    why can’t it be a bank robber or something?
    why Kaila?
    why are you here?
    why not me?

    Kaila grabbed my hand
    she squeezed it tight
    it started to hurt, like a pinch at first
    but it got harder and harder
    why was she doing this?
    I didn’t dare move
    I didn’t dare struggle
    I was stuck
    with her squeezing my hand
    Finally
    she let go
    she took deep breaths of air
    like just squeezing my hand pained her

    once she caught her breath
    this is what she said
    I’m not going to say that I’m not afraid
    but I still have strength
    even if its just a small amount
    ill still strive on it
    and sissy
    she looked up at me
    I saw the image of how she used to be
    reflected in those beautiful blue eyes
    Your not here, because
    you may not have the strength I have
    and I will hold on
    because I have that strength
    I hugged her
    how could I ever have doubted her?
    I love you sissy
    she said quietly, leaning into me
    I love you too Kay
    I whispered
    but it didn’t matter if I said it or not
    she was already asleep
    the quiet heartbeat
    the only thing about her
    that never changed
    it still
    and always will
    go
    ta-thump-ta-thump

    I heard people rush in the hallway
    something I was getting used to
    because I spent so much time here
    Kaila blinked her eyes wearily
    a nurse came in the door
    I cast a look at the clock
    it was 3:42 AM
    the nurse came over to Kaila’s bed
    her voice sounded small
    are you.. Kaila Wincrest?
    Kaila nodded
    I was getting scared
    and who are you?
    she asked, looking over at me
    her sister
    I said quietly
    I was afraid
    the nurse hesitated for a moment
    then continued
    you must go to room 520, both of you
    I took the card she held out to me
    I was a little room key pass
    I was about to ask about it
    but the little nurse
    had already left
    I cast a glance at Kaila
    she was already getting out of the bed
    ready to head to room 520
    how could she be so ready?
    something terrible was lurking around the corner
    couldn’t she feel it?

    I stood up
    I was shaking
    we walked quietly through the long hallway
    we clicked the elevator button
    we waited untill the small click signified sounded
    saying that the doors were opening
    we shuffled inside
    floor 6
    I read from the card
    Kaila punched the button
    she slipped her hand in mine
    I’m scared
    she whispered
    I’m not going to lie to you
    I said quietly
    I am too

    The doors opened
    we walked down the hallway
    513
    514
    515
    Kaila counted out loud
    the halls were empty
    the floor was shiny and smooth
    just like the halls Kaila and I slid on
    wearing our socks,
    mom would just shake her head and laugh

    Sissy?
    Kaila looked up at me
    jolting me from my memory
    520
    she repeated
    er… right
    I said quietly
    I slid the pass key in the lock
    the light turned green
    I turned the handle
    but it was red again
    dang..
    I murmured
    it took me 5 times
    then Kaila took the key from me
    she opened the door the first try
    she knew I wasn’t trying

    When the door opened all I saw were flowers
    Kaila and I exchanged a glance
    we took a few steps in
    I saw a man
    he was sitting near the bed
    in an overstuffed leather chair
    he was hunched over
    doing something
    umm hello?
    Kaila’s voice broke the silence
    then man straightened up
    he turned around to face us
    I gasped
    no
    I whispered

    The man was Mike Lox
    Mike was a skinny man
    but he was very nice
    Mike had been dating my mom for 3 years
    he said that once day
    he would take mom for his wife
    Mike was always cheerful
    ready to up you when your down
    but today
    Mike wasn’t peppy
    Mike had dried tears on his face
    Mike’s nose was red and sniffling

    Kaila and I
    run to the bed
    I collapsed on my knees
    Kaila stood, gripping the mattress
    Mom laid there
    she had an IV in her arm
    she had a breathing mask on her face
    Mommy?
    Kaila asked
    Mommy?
    her voice raised
    Mom, Mom!
    she had tears coming down her face
    she collapsed
    Mo-
    she broke off
    I hugged her close to me
    rocking her against my chest
    I set my chin on her head
    and once again
    I heard the most reassuring sound
    a heartbeat
    ta-thump-ta-thump

    I could have sat there forever
    I could have cried my eyes dry
    I could have screamed and threw a fit
    but I just sat there
    I looked up at Mike
    he studied the floor.
    What happened?
    I asked silently
    carcrash
    his voice slurred
    Kaila and I sat together in the chair
    I looked up at him, expecting more
    I asked her to marry me
    and well..
    he stumbled off
    she was so surprised
    he stumbled again
    you asked her to marry you in the car?
    I asked
    he sighed
    I couldn’t ask her
    this was my last chance to
    I’ve carried that ring in my pocket for a month
    I had to ask her right then
    I looked at him
    he continued
    she and I just had a fight
    I said
    Marie, I cant lose you
    you’re the love of my life
    he broke into tears
    Kaila got up
    she went over and hugged him
    I’m glad you did
    she said
    her voice was muffled by his overcoat
    he looked over at me
    I nodded

    the doctor came in
    he set up X-rays on a lit up board
    her leg
    her arm
    and her wrist
    all broken
    after the doctor spoke
    Kaila whispered
    but not her spirit, right?
    I smiled at her
    she could always make you smile
    she could always find a good thing in terrible times
    the doctor laughed
    no, not her spirit

    mom started to move her head
    instantly we were all crowded around
    including the doctor
    mommy?
    Kaila asked holding her hand
    The doctor moved her bed to prop her up
    mom murmured something
    Marie?
    Mike asked
    I was speechless
    and busy making sure
    that I didn’t strangle her to death
    for making us worry
    and then kissing her
    for striving
    what happened?
    she asked
    her voice was scratchy
    like someone who just woke up
    well.. I guess she had

    You don’t remember?
    I asked, finding my voice
    she shook her head
    What did you eat for breakfast?
    the doctor asked
    What ? Whatt?!
    I wanted to strangle him
    stop ruining our moment!
    he continued firing questions at her
    all about yesterday
    she kept saying
    what?
    and
    I don’t know
    and the famous last words
    Get out of my face!

    The doctor straightened up
    she doesn’t remember a thing about yesterday
    Mike gasped
    I felt sorry for the poor fellow
    I mean really
    its got to be hard to ask a gal to marry you
    let alone she not remember it
    well then
    he said quietly, clearing his throat
    I’ll ask you again
    he got down on one knee
    and in the flower decked out hospital room
    Mike Lox, became my step-father

    That’s cute what Mike did
    Kaila smiled
    I know
    I said tucking her in
    but its what he wanted to do, he loves her
    Kaila smiled again
    looking at her old purple walls
    you cleaned didn’t you?
    I blushed
    she giggled
    I hear something
    she whispered
    I listened hard
    I don’t hear anything
    she shook her head
    never mind
    you still hear it don’t you?
    I asked
    she nodded
    do you know what it is?
    she nodded again
    what is it?
    she shook her head
    your not ready
    she whispered
    Can you tell me the story again?
    she asked
    and just like that
    our conversation was lost into a fairy tale

    Mom and Mike’s wedding is today
    they said since she waited so long
    and since they’re so in love
    they could just hang everything
    they didn’t need a fancy wedding
    just a time to get married
    they were both hesitant to leave us alone
    I assured them
    we would be fine
    they were off on a 3 day cruise
    poor Mike, he was afraid of boats
    but it was the only place they could go
    so at 3:30 they were off to catch the ship

    Kaila and I spent a lot of time together
    playing and laughing
    but
    in the back of my mind
    that voice was gnawing
    not ready?
    how am I not ready?
    was she still hearing it?

    sis?
    Kaila asked the same day mom left
    yes Kay?
    if mommy had died
    do you think she would have gone to heaven?

    You see, our whole family was Christian
    but when Kaila got cancer
    well
    I turned my back on him
    Kaila didn’t though, she loved him more then ever
    and so did mom
    but sometimes I think she was still struggling

    I looked at her
    her eyes pleaded
    I think she probably would have
    I turned back to stirring the Mac and Cheese
    do you think
    if I died
    I would go to heaven?
    I stopped stirring and looked down at her again
    tears filled my eyes
    I ran
    the tears flowed like waterfalls
    I hid
    in the closet
    my favorite spot to think

    I pressed my head against my knees
    trying to get myself
    to forget it all
    Sissy?
    Kaila’s small voice came
    I sniffed
    she opened the closet and sat down
    she looked at me in wonder
    why did you run?
    I looked over at her
    I sighed
    Kaila… I’m scared
    Don’t be scared
    Jesus will watch over you when I go
    I shook my head
    Kaila, if he can do anything
    I took a shaky breath
    why didn’t he heal you?
    she smiled again
    I intend to ask him
    Kaila…
    I started to ask
    hmmm?
    what were you hearing?
    when?
    though I think she knew perfectly well
    2 days before mom and Mike left
    3 days ago…
    I don’t think your ready
    I started to protest
    But
    she continued
    I will tell you
    I hear Jesus calling sissy
    he’s saying he’s going to take me home
    the news came like a splash of water in winter
    not at all refreshing
    when?
    I managed to choke out
    she leaned against the wall
    tonight
    tonight he will come for me
    and we sat in silence
    just thinking it over
    and I listened to her heartbeat
    ta-thump-ta-thump

    I crept into her room that night
    just to check on her
    she was sitting up in bed
    Hi sis
    she smiled
    Hi
    I let out my breath
    she patted beside her
    one more time?
    the story
    I smiled
    what do you want in it?
    I asked
    she smiled
    I was thinking about that
    can we add
    an ending?
    I nodded
    I started it when she was born
    it was only fair to end it when she passed
    Where were we?
    I asked her
    the dragon
    she always knew exactly where we were
    OK
    well after they encountered the dragon…

    I stopped
    Kaila had been squeezing my hand
    and she suddenly stopped
    no…
    I whispered turning towards her
    her eyes were closed
    a smile on her face
    leaning against the pillow
    but I didn’t feel sad
    oh, I did feel great loss
    but the sadness seemed to evaporate
    I knew
    it could only be the work of Kaila’s savior
    it could only be the work of God
    I will trust him
    your in good hands
    I whispered to Kaila
    I leaned closer to her ear
    and I whispered the famous last words
    And they lived
    happily
    ever
    after