Chapter 1(I think)
I was walking down the street and a black Cadillac pulled up next to me. There were five black men inside, and one of them pulled out something black. I said “Whoa, take it easy man.” The black man named Ookalshikatubusimdafel, said, “catch sucka!” I said “no, no, no! I have 6 wives and 26 kids, a dog, a hamster, and a pet person, his name is Alfredo.” He said, “Cool name. Is it Italian?” I said “to tell you the truth…I don’t know, I don’t know.” He pulled the black thing out again. It was my hat! I said, “O! I thought you were going to shoot me!” He said “I am. Now, say hello to my little friend!” “Wait! I have a restraining order against Mr. My Little Friend. He can’t be five foot close to me, and umm… he is clearly four feet.” He said “Oh sorry.” I said “Nah it’s a’ight.” He took a step back and said, “Is that far enough?” I said “No, a little bit farther…okay right there.” “Thanks.” “You’re welcome.” He said “Ok, where were we.” I said you was about to borrow a dollar from your friends in the car.” He said “Really?” I said “Fo’ Sho’!” As he turned to the car, I ran. He started chasing me, so I hid in a doghouse…with a dog in it.
Chapter 1.99 plus tax
After the chase from Ookalshikatubusimdafel, I went to sleep last night. Tired from the fight. I’ve been fighting for tomorrow all my life. I woke up this morning, feeling brand new. Because the dreams that I’ve been dreaming have finally came true. I also dreamt of dreaming, so I woke up twice. My bed was wet. Yes I still do that in bed. What are you thinking?! I’m talking about SWEATING in bed. I watched TV in the Laundromat. Weird show! It was clothes that look like mine spinning, spinning, and it was spinning. I my cousin Stanley and I saw my friend Ayzha. Stanley said “Hey,” I said “Hey,” Ayzha said “Hey boo.” I said “HELLO!” She said “Not you, you hobo in a box! I’m talking to Stan.” She walked over to Stanley and passed him. She went to some random guy behind him. His name was Stan-Lee. I went to the hospital because I broke my nail.
I wasted for hours reading the biggest book ever. Man, Green Eggs and Ham is a long book! Mr. Sam He is does not like Green Eggs and Ham let him Starve then. Don’t force him! Then maybe the book would be shorter! Stanley made Ayzha cry today. She walked in on him…CHOPPING ONIONS!!! That’s messed up Stanley. That’s cold, winter time cold. Stanley wants to travel ad see the world so I bought him a globe. I accidentally hit Stan-Lee with a bat…25 times…in a row…at his house…that I broke into…to seal his…socks. That’ll teach him lesson.
Chapter 4: o’clock
I went to church and saw Stanley. I said “Hola mi amigo! Como estas?” He looked at me like I was speaking a different language. We went skateboarding but he fell. Ok maybe I did un-screw the board. But he deserved it! He was being to ugly, and reminded me of myself. I read the Dr. Suess’s Foot Book, and it started smelling like feet. Maybe I should have closed the book…and put my shoes back on. I saw Stan-Lee, he was in a wheelchair. I said “What happened?” He said “Someone broke into my house and stole my socks.” I hid my feet. He continued “Then someone attacked me with a tree branch.” I blurted out, “It was a bat.” Everyone looked at me. “That’s what I heard.” So I turned around and played basketball with Stanley. He got hit with a ball and broke his nose. He got so much attention when he had a cast. I GOT AN IDEA!!! I went home and told my sister to jump on my wrist. She jumped from my bed to my arm. It didn’t work. I need someone fat… My older brother! He jumped on my arm and broke a hole through the floor that I fell in. But my wrist still didn’t break. BULL!
Chapter 5 dollar foot long
I came off the train and I found a five dollar bill. So I was starving, and I wanted some food. I saw food stores with Dollar Menus and I saw a sign that said Subway. I looked around… I am in a subway, with a sign that says Subway. I took it as a sign and walked in there. I saw everything for 6 dollars except for a five dollar foot long. So I ordered it, then after it my sandwich was made, I handed the cashier my five dollars. Then he tells me it is 5 dollars and 35 cents. I’m like… excuse me! And he repeats it. So, knowing I don’t have 35 cents, I dig into my pocket and grabbed the sandwich and ran. Then out of nowhere I turn around and cops, SWAT, FBI, CSI, dogs, cats, and turkey’s are chasing me for a sandwich! So I keep running and I see Stanley again, so I say “yo’ cuz. U gotta help me out!” So I ask him for 35 cents and he’s like, “Nah. I only got 3 dollars.” So I’m like WTF!!
And he tells me to hide… in his hat! So I do it… and like some damn Chronicles of Narnia sh*t and there is some mansion sized room in his hat. Then out of nowhere, in the middle of July, it is snowing. Then I open a closet in one of the hats and find some beach balls, some hot dogs, some turkeys, then I see some 6 year old kid and behind him some skeletor looking creature with a name tag that said “Welcome to Kids R Us. Where Kids are our passion, I am Michael Jackson.” So I’m like “Aww Hell Naw!” Then Stnley flips the hat over and I get out. So, I tell Stanley that there is a damn bleached homosexual cockroach in his hat, and he’s like “Michael’s there?!” then he yells into the hat and says “Mikey! I’ll be there in a minute!” So he jumps in the hat and I am left staring at the hat spinning. So I unwrap my Subway sandwich and what I see is a freaking foot long ruler! This is bullshirt!.. with a capital X! When they say foot long… they MEAN footlong.
Chapter let’s have six
So I went outside today to play some basketball. Then I hear a car with the music turned all the way up… OH HOT DAMM! THIS IS MY JAMM! KEEP ON PARTYING TIL THE AM! So I start doing my little dancey, dancey, and out of nowhere the neighbors come out of their house. They stare at me like they never seen a black guy dance like a white guy before, no offense to Alfredo. Then I’m like, “WELL!! Is there a problem?” Then the neighbor who is 83 is like, “F*ck yeah there is a problem you good for nothing hand jobber!” Then I am thinking to myself that this guy must be stalking me to know that I hand job everyday at 3 o’clock on the dot. So I say to him, “Why don’t you say it to my face gramps!” Then out of nowhere the bag of bones hops over the gate and walks over to me…. I hope he didn’t see that I was so scared I piss my pants. Then he is like “we’ll settle this… with a DANCE OFF!” Then he starts doing this dance, and I do my dance. Then this old guy starts spinning on his dam HEAD! He spins for hours! So, I go get a smoothie, a burger, I used the bathroom, I watched four episodes of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, and five episodes of Barney. Then I go back outside and he is still spinning. Just then, a bird poops on the skeletons head and he stops. He starts curing like, “yo! What the (beep) was that (beep) thing that just (beep) (beep) on my (beep) (beep) (beep)! This is some absolutely (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep) (beep)! (BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP)
So I’m like whatever. Then he spits on me. So I’m like “OH NO YOU DIDN’T!” and he’s like “oh yes I did” and I’m like “oh no you didn’t” and he’s like “oh yes I did.” And we continue like this for 2 hours. Then I’m like “uh-uh” and he’s like “uh-huh” and I’m like “DON’T YOU UH-HUH MY UH-UH!” so I go over to him and he slaps me, then I try to slap him back but he grabbed me to the floor and starts slapping me with a dead and stuffed moose! So I’m here getting beat up… until Alfredo comes and pisses on the old man. The old man starts drinking the piss! Then he grabs Alfredo and they go down into a tunnel that said, “Come here for some REAL FUN... BOYS ONLY!” Then out of nowhere, Michael Jackson is like “Wait for me!” then Stanley is like “Wait for me!” then the Subway guy is like “Wait for me!” then a Rocky and Bullwinkle are like “Wait for me!” then Michael Jackson comes back and is like, “Innocen… aren’t u coming?” and I’m like, “Nah… I think I’ll go get a burrito or something.” And he’s like, “Use my car.” I look at his car and it is a pink lollipop shaped car called the Kids Mobile, with wings! So I tell him… “Nah I’ll walk.” And he’s like “but there’s a hurricane out.” Then I’m like, “Don’t question my walking abilities son!!” and start walking to Taco Bell.
Chapter 7th heaven
So I get to the Taco Bell and I see a sign that says Spelling Bee… whoever wins gets to earn one half of the Taco Bell. And I’m likie… LET’S DO THIS! So we go on for hours and the last 4 left is me, some old guy, an Asian 4 year old, and a white guy that looks like the owner of the Taco Bell. So the old guy gets out. Then the 4 yr. old and he is cursing like a sailor! So we waste another hour listening to the little boy scream some new words that his mom, Britney, taught him. So the boy, Brian Spears, finally leaves and steals his mom’s car and then some GRAND-THEFT-AUTO sh*t and drives off with his mother chasing him. Then she throws a shoe at the car and I’m like… WTF is a shoe gonna do to a god*mn car?! Then the car crashes into a guy in a hamburger suit. So I laugh.. not at the crash.. at the guy. Heh heh… he’s in a hamburger suit bleeding… HILARIOUS!!! Back to the spelling bee. So the next word is conclusive… and this guy says some C-U-N-Q-L-U-S-I-V… and I’m like yeah! I won!!! And then the announcer guy is talking about he is correct! So I go off on the guy and whoop his butt. I pound his face in the dirt and take out 98 of his 28 teeth… yeah, I can do things like that! So sooner or later, I win. And I tie a rope to the Taco Bell and pull my half off and turn it into a fake teeth shop. In that store all I see is old ladies, old men, old ladies with men…eww, old men-ladies….eww-er! And then I see a mole rat. And I’m like a can’t sell u any teeth and the mole rat starts cursing me out! He’s like “WHY U CAN’T SELL ME TEETH?! HUH?! IS IT BECAUSE I’M BLACK?!?! HUH?! OR MAYBE BECAUSE I AM TALLER THAN U?!” So I get tired of this guy and step on him, and he’s still alive. So I quit and give him the half of Taco Bell and he turns it into a hamster strip-club… Weird! Weird but Nice. And you know Alfredo is a member to the Hamster Strip Club.
Chapter i 8 rooster for lunch
So I spent the whole day at home and this was a bad idea. Alfredo keeps cleaning and I’m like, “Don’t mind me, just do what u do every day.” Then he invites a lot of people over. Stan-Lee, Michael Jackson, the old guy next door, the Subway guy, and the hamster who took my half of Taco Bell. Then the put on some gay song called “Shake what your daddy gave ya.” And I’m scared. The hamster dances and I laugh, Stan-Lee dances and is doing the moonwalk… he’s supposed to be in a wheelchair! Michael goes and moonwalks… then humps a wall named Carlos. The Subway guy’s dance is making out with the leftover salami from Subway. The old guy was the best dancer… and Alfredo was the worst! He starts off shaking his hips and then goes down to a long pose and whips his shirt off.. then everyone smiles and claps. Then he unzips and unbuttons and I run. I run as fast as I can! I run as far as my legs can take me… across the street. And then I see Marco up the street, so I call him, “MARCO!” and then some old lady with no shirt or bra on sticks out her head winks at me and says, “polo.” So now I am scared. Then she flashes her old boobs and somewhere somebody gives her some beads as if it is Mardi gras.
Chapter 9 teen 96
So I met this girl and she is loving me and then Stanley comes and he is like, “Oh hey cousin. How are you doing on this fine and beautiful day?” So I’m like “Dude. I’m with a lady.” Then he’s like, “Oh. Is she gonna be your 7th wife?” And then the girl slaps me and walks away. “Then I say to Stanley, “I have 13 wives now... and MIND YOUR BUSINESS!” Now I am on the road and I see this hitchhiker. So I give him a ride because I start getting lonely. Lonely, I’m Mr. Lonely, I have nobody, for my own. Anyway…. So he gets in the car and out of no where he pulls out a gun and shoots a bird. Don’t ask me why but then he jumps out the car and eats the bird. So now this guy is running alongside the care and hops through the window. Then he tells me get in the back and shut up. So I am freaking scared and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.”
and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” and I am like, “Don’t’ shoot me!” He’s like, “I’m not.” Then he got mad and started with some yo mama jokes and some ring announcer comes and says “there wil be 3 rounds. Yo mama so fat, ugly, and poor. I want a clean fight. LET’S GET READY TO RUMBBBLLLE!!!!!!!!!” So the guy starts off with “Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise,” Then I say, “Yo mama so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for then new world.” Then he says “Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy” Then I say “Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions” Then he says “Yo mama so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!” Then I say “Yo mama so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.” And the round is over. Then we start with yo mama so ugly jokes. So he says “Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.” Then I say “Yo mama so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals.” Then he says “Yo mama so ugly they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower” Then I say Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning. Then he says “Yo mama so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras” Then I say “Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said ‘What a treasure!’ and her father said ‘Yes, let's go bury it.’ And then that round was over. So for the last round is yo mama so poor and he says “Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush!” and then I say “Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!” and then he says “Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, DING!" and I say “Yo mama so poor she can't afford to pay attention!” and then he says Yo mama so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning. And then I say “Yo mama so poor that her heater is a cigarette.” Then he says “Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving.” And then I say “Yo mama so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.” And then he says “Yo mama so poor her favorite charity has her name on it.” Then I’m like “Yo mama so poor she eats cereal with a spoon to save the milk. So that was the end of the round and I won. So that means the hitchhiker has to go to jail… YAY!! All thanks to Innocen Pierre A.K.A. “BLACKMAN.”
CHAPTER 10 MINUTES TO MARS
So today I am so excited because today there is talent show in the middle of the Union Center. So I go and watch and I leave as soon as possible when I see the Alfredo, Michael Jackson, Stan-lee, the hamster etc. and I hear the song Shake What Your Daddy Gave Ya. So I ran back home and then there was these kids. So I say hello and then these kids are like “Ayo son! Son I got what u want and I got what u need yo! I got that meth, crack, weed, marijuana… anything u need name it.” So I’m like “nah I’m good, I just want some soda.” Then out of nowhere like the cartoons where they pull out boats from their pockets he pulls out a can of Coke-Coola. And I’m scared because this is some bootleg soda! So I take it and he tells me it costs 20 DOLLARS! I am tell him that is a rip-off and he is like “Nah… It’ s business. And he said it took me 20 hours to write Coola on that can…therefore… 20 DOLLARS! So I pay him and leave. So I go to Stanley’s house and he is playing Halo, so I join him, When I leave I go to Stan-Lee’s house because I ran out of socks and he has CASHMERE SOCKS! So I rob him again and this time his grandma comes out and she is like “What u doing in my house?!” And I’m like “Nothing.” And she is like “Are you that male stripper I ordered 264 years ago?” And I’m like “Sure… let’s go with that.” So she takes a chair and sits and tells me to show her what I got. So I strip and then she says “No… not for me… for my grandson Stan-Lee.” So I leave the house remembering this guy is weird. But I go back to hit him with the bat… again. But this time the bat had spikes sticking through it…HAHA! Then I see Emmanuel Duah at a store buying chap stick. He buys 5 boxes because one chapstick won’t last one day for those big lips. And then I got locked in the grocery store and starve3d to death. After the 8 years I spent in there. I bought some food and went home to hibernate for the summer.
- by xSHUTUP21K |
- Non Fiction
- | Submitted on 08/04/2009 |
- Title: My Fake Funni Story
- Artist: xSHUTUP21K
- Description: Yo u gonna laugh at this so read it
- Date: 08/04/2009
- Tags: fake funni story
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Comments (3 Comments)
- kirill418 - 08/05/2009
- wow ur great.i like the bat and the board part.
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- Tigcat2 - 08/05/2009
- lolz this is funnyz
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- xSHUTUP21K - 08/05/2009
- read. laugh. love. rate. laugh. DIE
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