tiffany

• Artist: teegex
• Description: the story of the girl for me well as said in my theme song just the the girl im looking for check out number two when its out! this is a true story it happened to me!
• Date: 06/03/2009
• Tags: tiffany justthegirl lovestory brokenheart

it all starts at the beginning of her 1st show when i met her that night i had dreams about her and ever since then ive loved her so then after not seeing her for 2 months i meet her and as the days went by i tried so hard to win her heart but it never seemed to work so i was her secret pal which is a thing where you send presents to each other and at the last present i was so scared to tell her i had tears coming down my face and i did it i gave her the present and i told her as she came out of the door and all was going as planed and then out of the door came becca and she said yeah i already told her and about 10 others and as those words came out my heart suddenly shattered at the seen and at the end of the last show i was in the bathroom with my friend and then Mateo bursts in and shows me the necklace i gave her and its broken! and he said it was on the ground and the only way my feelings at that point could be enplaned at that moment is in the song calld epiphany from sweeny todd and don't think that's the end of the story i will post a part two so keep a eye out for it

Comments

[ElectraShocked]

synocopated heartbeat said it all. Nothing left for me to critisize...I feel a little pointless ^__^

[MJWASARAPlST]

You write terrible.

[godwhisper]

nc .... it is really good biggrin .... can you read mine 2??? and add some comment.... tnx....

[syncopated heartbeat]

Hi. Just wanted to offer some advice. Breaking this up into paragraphs and smaller sentences would make it easier to read. Proper capitalization would help, too.

So would putting speech in quotations. For example:

"Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there," Sally said.

Also, typing out a line (or more) from that song would help explain your feelings to readers who haven't heard "Epiphany" (like me). Or, you could use a different example.

Good luck with your writing! smile