• 8/26/90
    Today Mark offered me a cigarette. I took it. I feel really, really stupid. Now it's just sitting there, staring at me. I shouldn't do this. Is it even legal for me to smoke yet? Oh gosh, I'm scared. The thing's just sitting there. What does it taste like? I'll just try one. I'm so sorry, diary. I just have to try this just once. It'll be the last one, I'm just curious.

    Later...
    That tasted good. Hm, my aunt smoked for fifty years and she's still alive. Maybe they aren't all that bad. Maybe I've got that, too? I'll tell you what, if I notice that I'm having trouble breathing, I'll stop. It just tasted so good. How will I get away with it though? OH GOD! I am soo stupid! I can't do this! It just hit me what I'm doing, I'm am such an idiot!

    9/1/90
    Mark asked me how I liked the cigarette today. I said I didn't. Then he said maybe if I tried it again I'd like it. So, he offered me another one. And I took it. Again. He said that if I liked them he'd start giving them to me regularly. But, I'd have to pay for them. Mark is a drug dealer. I can't just fall for that. Drugs are bad for me. But, again. This stupid cigarette is sitting in my pocket asking me to smoke it. Rawrgh, what do I do, diary? It tasted so good last time. I haven't had any problems breathing, and I just can't not remember how good it tasted... mmm. Oh god! I'm becoming an addict! I gotta get over this!

    Later...
    Mommy yelled at me for not cleaning my room or something, and then I smoked it. I'm so stupid! Diary, help me!! It just made me feel better, instantly. What's wrong with me?! Diary, I'm really sad.


    ....

    9/12/90
    Mark asked me out today! I've got a boyfriend, diary. Oh no. What's wrong with me? He's my drug dealer! He's a/i] drug dealer. What's wrong with me, diary? I'm officially addicted, by the way. Shoot me. Now. I am so stupid! I can't go two days without smoking. I just remember how good it tastes, and I get really irritable when I don't. Our date was really nice though, he seems like a nice guy, really funny. But, he told me that he sells other drugs, too. I told him that smoking was enough for me. Finally, I made the right choice. I'm so sad.

    9/14/90
    We're having a kick of school dance, and Mark wants me to come with him. I can't wait! It's gonna' be so cool! I just gotta find the perfect dress. I hope I can. Not a lot of things look good on me. Hm, oh well. I've been dropping a lot of weight, lately. It's actually kinda scary. Mark says I look nice though, and I guess that's all that REALLY matters. He's the only person who needs to think I look ok. Heehee. I really like him.


    ...

    9/12/95
    Oh, gosh! I am so glad I found this! This is soo cool! I was like so young back there. Heehee, I just said like! I gotta go to the doctor, I've been coughing more than usual lately. Bye, I'll write again.

    9/13/95
    Well, they said that it was a cold, but then they took the test and they couldn't find anything like a temperature or anything. I hope I'm not SUPER sick. Oh well, I'll just hope for the best.


    9/23/95
    Dr. Henson and I were talking today. He seems really, really cute and smart and funny and...
    Oh gosh. That list could go on forever and ever. But, they still don't know what's wrong with my lungs; they're going to do some tests in a couple of days. I hope it doesn't hurt too bad, I'm already scared of needles.

    Later
    Dr. Henson and I are going on a date! He just asked me when I was going to pee! I am so excited! What will I wear? The blue hospital gown or the purple one? Heehee. I knew he was in to me! Yay! Diary I don't think you know how important this is! He's like... he's like my perfect guy!

    9/24/95
    Dr. Henson and I were talking about purposes. What's my purpose? Is it to meet him? Maybe I have something to offer him. That's a really cool idea. They're going to do the tests tomorrow and honestly, I'm kinda' scared. My lungs are getting worse and worse compared to the x-rays. I mean, I know, that's what happens when you smoke, but... I dunno'.

    Later
    I dreamed this morning that I was walking in the hospital, but it wasn't me. I dunno how to explain it. I was, like a different person or something. I don't know how to explain it. I was just looking for someone, I don't know who. It was all in all the most confusing dream I've ever had. Heehee.

    9/26/95
    Diary!! I have lung cancer!! What do I do now? Chemo I guess. What do I do? What if I die? Then what? I wouldn't have been able to fulfill my purpose, I'm only 21!! I can't believe this... hold on. Someone's coming.

    Later
    It was Dr. Henson, ahh. He came in to invite me to lunch, see ya'!

    9/30/95
    Dr. Henson and I have been getting closer and closer, he told me yesterday that he wouldn't mind, when I asked what he said when I got bald from chemo. Honestly I'd forgotten about that. I'm gonna look all dudeish, I already do with hair.

    10/4/95
    I love you Henson.

    lOoOoOve you!

    10/9/95
    Diary. I'm going to die. They told me today that chemo wasn't working. It wouldn't kill the cancer cells. I'm going to...
    Dr. Henson told me today at lunch, (we've been having it together every day since the first date). It was very unprofessional but he wanted it to come from a friend and not a doctor. I love him so mu


    sorry, back. I can't stay for long though, they're cutting off the life support soon. Um, diary. I'm gonna miss you, a lot. And, I'm gonna miss Dr. Henson, and I'm going to miss everyone. Oh gosh, I'm crying. Why am I crying? It's not like I'm going to go to hell or anything, right? I love Dr. Henson so much, I don't want to go, diary. I want to stay and marry him, and live with him and...
    Well, this is it, diary. I'm going to die now. Bye...
    I love you.