• I was never told not to fall in love with my brother, Derek. When I was ten years old, that was when I began to feel eccentrically about him. It wasn't the same as how I felt about mother or father and it wasn't the same as I felt for Cindy, my best friend at the time. I couldn't help but want to get his attention. I wanted his affection but I wasn't certain why. When I was 12 that was when I knew I loved him more intensely than just a brother. He was never arrogant towards me, never swore at me or blamed anything on me, he was always charming. I would blush insanely whenever he kissed my cheek or laughed at my silly nature. When I was 16, I kissed him. Not on the cheek like most sisters would, but on the lips. He and I were watching television in the living room, my parents were out shopping. It was a dull sunless Saturday afternoon and I had just finished my homework when I decided I would watch TV with my beloved big brother. I don’t recall what program we were watching, I only remember it being senseless and mind-numbing. Of course though, Derek loved it. He was into crime shows or biographies, which bored me completely. I sat down next to him on the sofa, he didn’t notice. I watched the TV with him, neither of us made a sound. It most likely not awkward for him, but it was for me. I was in love with him, I lusted for him. To be there beside him, not speaking, with my heart clogged with lust towards him was almost tormenting. I wanted to reach out, pull out, and snatch him. I wanted to kiss him passionately; I wanted to feel him love me. I placed my hand palm down on the couch and stared at the television. Derek then placed his hand on mine, which made me blush incredibly hard and stare wide-eyed at him. He looked back at me then moved his hand slowly and apologized quietly. He averted his attention from me back to the television. I stared back at the television and mentally memorized his touch and warmth. I don’t know why I did what I did next but I am so thankful I did. I turned my head and said his name, I almost whispered it. He almost didn’t hear, but he turned his head and looked at me. I said his name slightly louder than before and very slowly leaned into him. He didn’t speak; he just observed my actions as I played them out. I said his name again, louder and felt all my emotion and love towards him flow out me, I moved closer and closer to my brother until I was so close I was almost touching his lips. Derek leaned in the rest, making our lips touch. His lips were soft and the warmth from his mouth heated my entire body.

    I molded into him, took in his moisture and tried my best to concentrate. I didn’t notice anything other than him and his lips. Our lips tangled together, his hand traveled up to the back of my neck and he pulled me in closer. I pushed my lips harder into his. Derek softly moaned and slid his tongue into my mouth. He gently massaged his tongue with mine.

    I did not find it disturbing, I did not think of how my blood was his and his mine. I thought of how I loved him and how I would always remember his sweet embrace and warm mouth. Our wonderful sin ended rather quickly though when the phone abruptly rang. He stopped moving his lips into my mine and very slowly pulled away from me. Our salvia stringed on his lip to mine, like a thin piece of thread, connecting us. I opened my closed eyes and looked at his face. His expression appeared fearful, he was terrified. The phone continued to ring in our ears; he must have realized then what a mistake he had made. It broke my heart on how much he looked as if he regretted it. He closed his eyes and backed away further then stood up and walked out of the room. The couch went from a place of happiness and first kisses to a place that had a stench of abandonment to only my nose. My rose my hands slowly to my chest and tears absorbed around my eye lid; they rolled down slowly. I started to sob uncontrollably; my face throbbed and scrunched up into a disgusting, ugly, red deformed piece of beauty. I was what desolation and desire represented. All I wanted was for Derek to call me beautiful and kiss me softly but he didn’t and that made me feel useless to the simplest extent.