MY LIFE AS A BODILESS HEAD
It all started on a Monday. Or was it a Friday? Whatever. It all began on the worst day of my seriously short life. It began on a Friday...the 13th. The irony of it.
Anyway, I woke up to find myself with no opposable thumbs or any limbs at all. To be blunt, I am now only a head for some reason. Apparently, someone decided to sever my head from my body. As a result, now instead of being the Headless Horseman or Horsewoman, I am now the Bodiless Brain.
That’s wonderful news…NOT! To roll around on the ground instead of being able to walk on two legs. Oh joy, oh joy! To smush my face into the pavement or dirt and filth every time I move somewhere. The thrills of being a head.
Well, that was when I started screaming my head off. Ha. The irony. Strangely, no one came running to my room to see what all the ruckus was about. I mean it’s almost like they don’t care or they’re not home. However, they are home, I’m screaming down the house, yet still no one comes in to investigate. I could hear the loud footsteps of my older brother, Kevin. How can he be this deaf? I mean, he’s just right outside my door, for crying out loud! Argh! The frustration of being overlooked…is someone trying to teach me a lesson? Nah. It couldn’t be. I listen to everyone…well maybe not, but that’s no reason to get so huffy about. I do that to everyone.
Now, I don’t know how I ended up at school, but here I am, tumbling around the stomping and stampeding feet of my fellow students. I fear being crushed or worse, getting kicked around like a soccer ball. You try it and see how you like.
I spot one of my friends, so I yell for her, “Katie!” Apparently, my blonde friend has suddenly developed what is called “Blonde Mentality”, where you’re blond and acting sort of dumb at the time. Like everyone else, she ignores my shouting and name-calling. Oh, if only I had hands, then I could strangle her for looking right through me.
All of my friends pass me by, each one of them shunning me for some purpose. Most likely to drive me INSANE! It’s working. I haven’t been this ticked off since that time where they thought--let me tell you when they start thinking, you better stop them or run since it‘s bad news--one of them hid in a giant box to surprise me when I opened it. Well, let's just say that it went horribly wrong, especially when a mailman took the box, assuming it was supposed to be sent somewhere. Yeah, I don’t think they’ll be doing that again. I think the guy had a heart attack when Katie jumped out.
Apparently, I’ve become invisible given that NO ONE CAN HEAR ME! I rolled around on the floor, struggling to dodge those countless pairs of feet. When suddenly, I thought, Uh oh!
Oh no! It’s my worse nightmare come to life. I watch in slow motion as a foot that comes out of nowhere, which is seriously unbelievably unlucky of me, approaches me in a swift movement as my seriously short life flashes before my eyes. Oh my God!
I scream in terror, “AH!” Yet still no hears as I sail through the air toward a brick wall. My last thought is, I should have eaten the entire ice cream container.
Pause. Rewind. Remember, children, I’m NOT a talking pumpkin head like the headless horseman.
With that said, Forward. Play.
“AH!” I screeched as the wall drew near my head before I saw nothing more.
What was that? He wondered as he watched a round object fly into the wall. It deflated and splattered all over the brick wall as a brown sticky mess.
When he neared the brown substance, he smelled something vaguely familiar, so he investigated the brown mush that slowly inched down the wall like putty by scraping a small dab of it onto his finger. The guy stared at it, attempting to recall why it seemed so memorable to him before he licked it.
“Hmm…peanut butter!” he exclaimed, identifying the taste.
Then, suddenly, he saw an eyeball stuck in the gooey brown substance. “OH MY GOD! IT WAS HEAD!” the guy screamed, like a girl, revolted. “I JUST ATE SOMEONE’S BRAIN!!”
Remember, children, some people have brains while others have peanut butter instead.
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