Mikey, Leo, Frankie, and Levi? Not mine. Just so you know. Also, be warned that this reflective piece contains moderate language, so if you're not a fan of the profanity, you should skip over this story now. I do realize that yes, this does bounce around a lot, but the mind of a nineteen year old girl does that. Especially when it comes to her relationship between herself and another person.
Please feel free to leave comments and suggestions on how I can improve on my writing, if you will. I'd greatly appreciate it.
Something tells me that I'm gonna be in a world of s**t here, very soon. Thing is, I know that if I'm catching it, it's because I deserve it. I should also know better than to be pulling what I'm pulling right now, but I'm doing it anyway. I know Mikey is gonna freak. I know Leo's gonna hate both Levi and myself. I know that Frankie's gonna laugh at the outcome, because he'll be the reason that Mikey knows about what's going on. So I guess I really didn't think this through, all too well.
Right now, my brain is screaming about a dozen or so obscenities at me because I'm throwing away almost a years worth of Mikey's trust by screwing around with Levi. Trust me, I feel like a total b***h for it too, which is so wrong, because if I was feeling that bad, I wouldn't be doing this. I would be stopping. So I guess I'm kind of heartless there, because here I am, still screwing around. I should just ******** tell Mikey what I'm doing; I should be an adult in this situation.
Hah. I don't have the ******** guts. GOD! I'm so pathetic-- worse than pathetic; I'm a liar and a cheat now too. Those are the last things I wanted to be, but then again, it's kind of fitting if I look back at all the stupid things I've done in the past to hurt people. I ripped Silk apart slowly and betrayed everyone when I handed Sage over to Jaesyn. They trusted me, and I let them down.
But that brings me to another thing; I did help bring her back. I lead them to where Jaesyn took her, and stabbed my brother in the back in the process. So that would make me pretty two-faced. I didn't even stop to make one of the two faces pretty. And now I'm left wondering why I even brought this mess up in the first place. Oh, that's right. I brought it up because once again, I'm toying with someone's heart. I know I'm doing it too, but I'm not doing anything to change it.
I now present to you the quality that would make me a tragic hero. I realize far too late into what I'm doing that maybe I shouldn't be doing it at all. And I realize far too late that I can't fix it, because if I didn't want to break it, I wouldn't have done it in the first place. I hate that I realize this s**t far too deep into my stupid decisions too. Ugh, and then there's always the part about me jumping blindly. I do that far too often. I don't look over or assess the jump before I make it, I just do it, and disregard the consequences.
The best example of that would be when I ran inside that damn burning building to put out a fire I never started. I lost someone important to me that day, because I acted out of stupidity, and was trying to be a hero. I lost my best friend, and the person who I loved most in life in that fire. I get to thinking about it, and now I see that had I not ran into that raging inferno of quickly charring wood and deadly smoke, he'd still be here.
So I really don't think about things before I do them... Do I? I just do whatever I feel like doing, whether it's good or bad. So not only am I a b***h, a liar, and a cheat, I'm also self-centered, selfish, and an a*****e. No wonder why I constantly hate myself. I don't do things to make up for my mistakes; I just continue to do more stupid s**t.
I guess that's where people are blind when it comes to me though. They never really look back at my past mistakes. They just look into these "innocent looking" blue-green eyes and draw assumptions that I'm not that bad of a person. Someone with eyes like that can't be that bad a person. Which is total bullshit, because even the most innocent eyes have the darkest secrets. I wish people would see that. Really, I do.
Oh God... Eyes. ********, s**t, damn... Now the guilt is setting in, and again it's far too late. The damage is done, and he'll never trust me again. Not after this. I can't lie to Mikey; he can see through it, and I can't deny what happened between Levi and I in the kitchen. There were witnesses to that whole thing. Double ********. I really did dig my own grave here. And I've got no one to blame but myself.
I'd like to bash my head against the wall right now, for a few reasons. One, I can already see Mikey's bright blue eyes welling up with tears from betrayal and my moronic backstabbing. And two being my self-hatred and the hate for everyone else who witnessed just what went on in that kitchen. I didn't stop myself, and no one stopped what was going on. So am I really the only person to blame in this situation? Yeah, probably. Because if I didn't want it to progress from just a soft kiss into full-on make-out mode, I would have ******** stopped it. Sonuvabitch, there is no fixing this mess.
I... I really need to tell Mikey. This isn't something I can hide from him. It's not fair to him at all. He deserves better than this, better than me. If I'm dumb enough to keep running back to Levi every time, then I need to let Mikey go. I can't be selfish and bounce back and forth between the two of them anymore. I shouldn't keep myself with Levi, either, but that whole situation is complicated. I can't even break that down to a computable level at this point.
If I tell Mikey, I'm telling him when no one else is around. I don't want Levi there, because I don't want to watch those two go at it with one another. If Mikey's going to hate anyone, I'm going to have him hate me. My reasoning behind that is this; Mikey and Levi were in that damn war together. They're brothers of sorts. I know what it's like to not get along with a sibling, and I'd rather not witness it between the two of them. If Mikey hates me, I can deal with that, because I deserve it. But I can't let him hate Levi, because of that brotherly bond. It'd destroy Levi.
Goddammit. Now I'm crying. Why? I mean, this was all my doing, so I should just suck it up and deal with whatever comes my way. If I didn't think about what I was doing before, why should I give it a second thought now, when it's not fixable? I should have thought about it before, and I know that. It's too late to fix a screw-up of this caliber.
But is it really a screw-up if I'm looking for every reason I can to just be close to Levi? Is it a screw-up if I'm sneaking off to kiss his forehead while he's sleeping? Is it a screw-up if every goddamn time he looks at me, he sends my heart into a nervous flutter? Is it a screw-up if I'm not regretting a lot of what Levi and I have done together? I don't know. But, I do know that I'm selfish. And I hate that about myself.
The hardest part of everything I'm doing right now, will be the part where I have to face the consequences for my actions, and the part where I actually come clean to Mikey about everything that's happened. I know I deserve whatever comes my way. And I know I deserve any sort of hate he has towards me. I shouldn't have to sit here and run all this stuff through my head in the state of panic that I am. But I know that I'm scared that I'm going to lose a friend, too. It's not just the fact that I'd lose him as a lover anymore. So once again, I really didn't think this through.
I'll tell Mikey everything. I have to. He trusts... Well, did trust me. I doubt he will after I say all this to him. And in an instance like this, I really do have to be adult about it. Especially when I decided to make the adult decision to do what I'm doing now. I'm the one who keeps adding fuel to the fire between Levi and I.
I know I'm the one that needs to be honest. Because Mikey deserves at least that from me.
- Title: Torn
- Artist: Amanda
- Description: When Rebecca Eastman finally sits down to assess the damage she's doing between herself and Mikey, she comes to the brutal realization that there are just some secrets she cannot hide from him.
- Date: 03/14/2009
- Tags: torn