The Everything Guide of Nothing.
The Everything Guide of Nothing as described by the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a book that when read aloud turns Cynics into Optimists and Everything else into Nihilists. It is so incredibly different from any other book in the universe that no one knows where it comes from or even who the hell decided to write it in the first place. There is only one known copy of the book, and even then it is not known where it is. Those who have searched for it(are first of all very down trodden, and secondly very, very, very bored) have never been able to find it. Historians from all over the universe have their own idea's backed by evidence in there separate history books, all written by them, autographed by them, and critiqued by them(historians are quite possibly the most egotistical beings in existence, aside from first chair violins, and good defense attorneys of course) But the people who decide what is and isn't 'real history' have chosen to not even acknowledge the existence of The Everything Guide of Nothing, saying that anyone who would write something so depressing and boring probably isn't even real anyway. But aside from lots of different people all with their own different and ridiculous opinions it remains an item of interest to manically depressed, cynical, and pessimistic people from all corners of everywhere. (An extra note: to anyone who thinks they have it bad, read the Everything Guide of Nothing, you'll see life for something wholly and completely different, if you don't hang yourself half way through it that is.)
Our story starts simply, or not so simply depending on whether or not you like argueing utterly pointless things. Anyway, it starts like this: It was an average morning, as it often was. With an average breakfast, an average cup of coffee, and an average hour of averagely depressing news. Samuel sat in his ratty old chair that he had found out on the side of the street one day, the television remote in one hand, can of soda in the other. Nothing good on as usual at this time in the morning, he looked up at the Red Sox clock on the wall, half an hour till he needed to leave for work, he didn't quite feel like watching anymore depressingly obnoxious daytime television, so he picked up the Xbox 360 controller to his left and held the guide button till it blinked and the noise of the cooling fans starting up told him the consol was turning on. He slid the headset over his short black hair, and adjusted the mic so that he could talk to people clearly. He looked down at where it would tell him what game he had in, Lego Star Wars, that figured he thought. Little did Samuel know that what was depicted in the Star Wars Saga was actually quite far from the truth of the universe, and that his brain could scarcely comprehend exactly how much more comical the real universe was compaired to that of the Lego one. Still he pressed the A button and the game began to load, he waited and waited, till the menu came on screen, then it froze "Damn it" he exclaimed. He really didn't want to get up, but in order to turn the thing off he had too. He walked over to it and pressed the button, pressing it again it made a new noise that he hadn't heard before, then he saw it three flashing red lights. He stared at it, as if it would go away. He had dealt with this sort of thing before, as the manager for a video game store people would often come in to get his opinion, as if he would actually know what was wrong. He grabbed the phone off the hook and dialed the number he had become quite accustomed too.
Twenty minutes later he had acquired a repair order and hung up. Looking back up at the clock, he wanted it to turn back twenty minutes, the twenty minutes of his life he had lost on the phone with some man in India, assuring him that he knew what he was doing and had tried everything to get the console to do what he wanted it too. Annoyed, he grabbed his keys from the table, made sure he had his name tag, and locked the door as he walked out. Little did he know, if he could even comprehend it if he did, that he would never get to send his xbox in, and that this would probably be his last time leaving home. Walking down front steps he headed to his blue Ford F150 from sometime in the 70's probably. He got in through the passenger side door because the driver side door didn't work anymore, sliding over to the drivers side he glanced into the rear view mirror, there was something strange in it, he looked again to make sure it wasn't a trick of the light. No, he was sure that it was there now, especially as he took a third look, there was an Olive Drab box floating in the sky, above the building at the end of the street. He knew it was Olive Drab, because he played video games way to much and especially WWII video games, he knew that it was Olive Drab because it was the same color as the camo the soldiers in his games wore. He turned around to see with his own eyes, and still it was there. He looked around, no one seemed to notice it at all. Just as he was getting ready to get out and look at it, a knock came at his passenger side window. It was a girl with redish hair, and a pale face dotted with freckles. He knew this face, it was a girl he had been friends with since high school, and secretly had a crush on. He slid over and opened the door.
He looked back over at the building, she looked over as well "What is it?" she asked looking over in the general direction he was looking at. "um...uh, no it's crazy" said Samuel looking down at his feet, he had his english made, Chelsea boots on, as always. She looked at him with a sort of look that said, no really what is it? he shook his head, and shrugged his shoulders in reply. "So what did you need?" he asked in a pleasantly surprised tone, she punched his shoulder lightly "I just wanted to know if you wanted to hang out later....if you don't have to work too late that is" Samuel had to think for a moment, not really, but he didn't want to seem to excited. "Sure, I get off at about sixish, though we can't play xbox..unless you brought yours." She looked at him in confusion "what happened to yours?" he sighed and explained what had happened, she replied with a big "Oh" and agreed she'd bring hers, they hugged and she walked off. Samuel looked down and noticed she had dropped one of her rings "Marion!" he shouted after her, but she didn't hear. He slid it into his pocket and got into his truck, he'd give it to her later when he saw her. The drive to work was average, a lot of honking and shouted obscenity. He pulled into his usual parking space behind the store and got out. One of the guys was standing out back having a smoke, Samuel reminded him of the store policy but said he wouldn't say anything as long as he didn't see him do it again. Of course the man knew that Samuel didn't care, seeing as how he had said it too him every day for the past six months. And it was true, Samuel didn't care, he was a fairly steadfast supporter of personal liberties. The early part of the day dragged on, or at least the other people in to store who were helping customers complained it was. Samuel was in a rather happy mood, he had plans to hang out with the girl he had had a crush on since they barely knew one another.
Lunch break rolled around and it was the man who smoked's turn to fetch food for everyone. He wrote down everyone's order and took money then left to get the food. After a few minutes the door opened, the bell rang as usual. Samuel headed for the front "That was fast..." he said but the man who smoked wasn't standing there, his friend Washburne was(everyone called him Wash for short) Wash quickly ran over to Samuel "I think I've found where it is" he said excitedly"Found what?" Wash rolled his eyes then ushered Samuel into a chair "The Everything Guide of Nothing of course! remember I told you about it awhile back" Samuel nodded he seemed to remember they had had a few drinks when he talked about it, but vaguely remembered it. "I thought you were just making it up, or the drink was making it up." Wash nodded no in reply. Wash was a sort of funny person, he was tall and a little dangly. He was a good friend, and absolutely one of the funniest people Samuel had ever met. He didn't quite know what he did, or where he had come from, but that was fine. Wash headed toward the bathroom, he seemed to be looking for something, he pulled a rather largish towel from one of the cabinets "Those are for Employee's Wash" Samuel blurted curiously at him. Wash handed him the towel "Well, c'mon" he gestured for Samuel to follow. "Look Wash, it's not that I don't enjoy our adventures, it's just that I've got work, and Later on I've got a Prior Engagement" he didn't mind missing work, but his sort of date with Marion he certainly didn't want to miss. "Work isn't important right now, look I've got some very nice people waiting for us, we've got to get going, c'mon" Wash pushed Samuel out of the store and into his little car "Where are we going?" Samuel asked "If I told you, you wouldn't understand." Samuel understood this sentiment only too well from this morning.
They drove down several streets until they were on the street that Samuel lived on, and headed towards the building that he had seen the Olive Drab Box hovering on. "C'mon, follow me" Wash gestured Samuel to follow, and he did. They went up to building with the box, and began climbing the stairs. Finally the reached the top, Wash paused before opening the door, as if he was thinking about something, but shook his head and opened the door. Samuel was almost blinded by the sun light. "Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean to take so long, but you know how Earth men can be." There was some laughter then Sam felt Wash pushing him towards something. After a few seconds his vision returned, or at least he thought it did, until he saw the olive drab box in front of him, with two strange looking people looking very impatiently at them. Wash pushed him toward the box, and a hatch seemed to open."Wait..." Protested Samuel despite Wash's attempts to keep him silent and moving "Shhhh!" whispered Wash in Sam's ear "Just get in, I'll explain everything on the way." Several things flashed through Samuels mind, not the least of which was his date with Marion. But silly things as well, what about his Xbox, he had an audition with a band down the street on Tuesday next week. And the last thing he thought about before being shoved into the Olive Drab box was, Is this really Happening? A silly question to ask in the grand scheme of things, but it seems that humans have a singular gift for asking the unimportant. But still the thought passed through, and for about twenty or more minutes Samuel open and shut his eye's, pinched his arm, and tried to convince himself that this was all a bad dream, That he had fallen asleep at work waiting for food.
He opened his eyes and lept backwards and hit his head on the low ceiling, Wash was looking at him quite curiously and very very close too. "You may want to sit earth man" Spoke one of the strange creatures, and just as Samuel began to ask why, the box made a sudden jolt upwards, knocking Samuel on his rear end.
The Olive Drab box was a class three galaxy hopper, one of the fastest ships ever to come from the Serious Cybernetics corporation(Aside from the Heart of Gold that is)though this was one of the first of its kind built, it still had the usual pieces of equipment, that normally would be pitched as rubish and replaced by things the ships owner thought were more important, Like a machine that dispenses Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters, or another that just sits there doing nothing but beeping. As the ship rapidly ascended, Samuel began to wonder about what all everyone down on earth would think of his disappearance, what about work? they'd surely fire him, or maybe not, there was one manager that suddenly left and went to India for like four years, when he came back he'd found he'd been promoted to regional manager. Samuel thought of how nice it would be to be regional manager, he could sure do with the extra money. Unfortunately, manager positions and money were the least of Samuels concerns, for at the present moment he was unwillingly being pulled into a journey for something so ridiculous and absurd that someone just might write a book about it, perhaps, if they can find the time that is. These sort of journeys take a long time to chronicle, and who has that sort of time anyway?
- Title: TEGN Prologue and Chapter 1
- Artist: Xilidian the Prophet
- Description: The Everything Guide of Nothing Prologue and Chapter One. This is not an attempt to copy the great Douglas Adams, nor should it be taken that way, If you can't understand this please move along and don't even read it. I'm not trying to be mean but lets face it if you can't enjoy reading something what's the point in reading it? This is a story for fans of sarcastic writing and fantastical journeys to completely made-up places in search of ridiculously silly objects.
- Date: 12/31/2008
- Tags: tegn prologue chapter