• Children everywhere around Gaia are afraid this year there won't be any presents because Santa Claus got turned into a cow. And as we all know, cows are a lot of fun to tip but not so much fun to slide down chimneys with sacks full of goodies, now are they? But there's hope, my little fledglings. Hope in the form of the most underrated holiday hero of them all, the great VAMPIRE SANTA! The vampire boys and girls know about the great treats awaiting their excitement every Christmas when Vampire Santa delivers them their little bloodpacks and toys, but who or what exactly IS Vampire Santa? And how does this one single creature bring toys to everybody in the whole wide world?

    Vampire Santa's actual birthdate is unknown, although reports of his sightings began in the 16th century. By the 17th century Vampire Santa was giving Santa Claus a run for his money in the popularity contests with his prompt, efficient delivery system and of course, his affinity for the vampiric population. It was, however, due to Santa Claus that Vampire Santa nearly got shut down - he was complaining of unfair competition. Vampire Santa was forced to limit his gift-giving only to vampires, while Santa took care of all the other girls and boys. Vampire Santa showed his distaste by reportedly giving Santa a massive lump of coal as a Christmas present one year, which Santa was not pleased about. Santa was less pleased about the fact the lump of coal was nearly two tons and placed on top of what used to be his toy factory, which he had to spend all spring and summer long rebuilding. As the number of people grew and grew, Vampire Santa needed help. So he did what most did and hired seasonal help, the Dark Elves. After their stints in the trees manufacturing cookies, the dark elves had to find a way to pay for their expensive armor and staffs and never-ending supply of poison, so Vampire Santa offered them all jobs making toys for little vampire girls and boys. Obviously, they declined. However, Vampire Santa convinced them of the need for Christmas for ALL creatures by taking several of their tree factories down after buying and liquidating their companies. Needless to say the elves were displeased but now consented grudgingly to working for Vampire Santa. It is said the elves to this day simply stick around for the extra dough so they can afford brand new stylish outfits even though they are pretty foolish to think they could ever look as good as a vampire!

    After the 1931 Sexiest Santa competition ended with Vampire Santa once again winning, the elves informed him that there wasn't enough of them to make presents for ALL the vampires in the world. Santa realized that drastic measures needed to be taken and created a massive workplace in which the technology was able to utilize the rushing feature of a vampire - their massive speed. Suddenly automated machines were able to produce toys so fast, all the boys and girls had toys within days! Santa also used his amazing speed to deliver all the toys within seconds in a neighborhood. To solve the problem of the number of people, Santa designed a brand new temporal device that was able to slow down time so that he could speedily deliver all the presents within what we'd view as seconds but was actually days, although we would never know. Before you worry if you hear a "Moo!" from your chimney this Christmas, lets remember that the spirit will never die - because neither will Vampire Santa. MERRY CHRISTMAS, ALL THE VAMPIRE BOYS AND GIRLS!