Fantasy Topia part 2

• Artist: Yuu Namikaze
• Description: yayzness! heres part 2 ^-^ hope you enjoy
• Date: 12/03/2008
• Tags: fantasy topia part

"Dont make any sudden movements." Luna instructed. "Im going in" As Luna flew in, the Megalodon had already knocked out Fira and was taking her to her death. As lava shot out of Lunas fingers, the megalodon melted away. " You know you owe me for that" Luna said " I know " Fira said back. As they went home, Fira sat on the couch. "Owwww" Fira yelled. She pulled something from her pocket and saw it was a part of the megalodon. "Looks like the megalodon was sent by Prince Max and....Uh oh" Luna said. Fira really hates Prince Max. He'll do anything to rule Fantasy Topia, but thankfully, Fira will do anything to stop him. On with the story. Fira had the mail at the time, and became a bunch of crushed letters and magazines."Nooooooo, you ripped up my Geeks weekly" Luna said in shame."You read Geeks weekly?" Fira asked, with a confused look on her face." Well sorrta" Luna exclaimed. The room became silent. The next morning, Fira got the newspaper and screamed. She had seen the worst thing in her entire life. Her boyfriend Alex was caught making out with Ashley Tisdale. Yet again, she ripped up the newspaper. She had never been so angry in her entire life. She flew over to Alex's house, knocked on his window, smacked him and flew away. Fira ignored him at school, phone calls and parties. Alex knew that Fira was mad. He didn't care because he has a celebrity girlfriend. Alex was so sweet and kind to Fira. She's never going to find another guy like Alex. The next day at school, they announced there was going to be a new kid in school....So tune in next time to see the mystery kid.

Comments

[I Burnt Your Poptarts v4]

Here's what I say.
1.Don't say "On with the story". You could've just said something instead of saying "Fira really hates blah blah blah," You could've made her say it instead. Like probaly," I really hate this stupid prince."
2.It's kind of weird at the end of the story. You need to have it smooth and stay with the topic. It's like all of the sudden.

[Yuu Namikaze]

thnx for the suggestions

[Cyanide Wolf]

uhh, i agree with Hikari-Bunny:
1. You ned to change what she said
2. you have an awesome story coming along
3. needs to be professional

what i think you should do:
1. seperate paragraphs when you're using Quotes (ex.: [|P:1]
and then a paragraph focusing on one character. check out my first chapter from a story i wrote)
2. Your punctuation needs to improve

everything else is fine and i rate this a 4/5.
good luck~

[Missbunniswan]

I like what you have here, but it could be improved. A lot. First off don't say things like "To let you know," It sounds like a kid telling the story. Just spit out the information. It's a lot more smooth, and proffesional sounding. Also I would change..." He does a lot of bad stuff." I'd put something like, " He'll do anything to rule Fantasy Topia, but thankfully, Fira will do anything to stop him." I hope I helepd a bit! Good luck!