Permanent Scares

• Artist: Lil_odo-chan
• Description: this is the first story that i have ever let people read.
  let me know what u think of it and if there is anything that needs to be improved.
  it's not much right now, but if people like it i will add more.
• Date: 07/16/2008
• Tags:

I'm laying here in this cold wet snow. Blood all over me, I'm covered in it. I don't now how i got here, or were this blood came from. Is this my blood?There is something warm in my hand. It feels like another hand but i can't tell. My vision is all blurry. My breathing starts to get faster and harder as i turn to see what is next to me. It's my twin sister Amaria. She too is covered in blood. she doesn't say anything. I call her name and she still doesn't say anything. Then i realize that this is not my blood. Very little of this is my blood. It's Amaria's blood. Before i could even take the time to cry, even just a little, i here voices. Angry voices. Shouting. Screams. I can barely stand up. I can see fire. I can feel the heat of the fire. I can see people running for there lives. I can see bodies falling to the ground. I see people coming my way. I look desperately around me trying to find somewhere to hide. Then i remember the hole in the tree that me and Amaria used to go and hide in all the time, to hide from father when he was drinking to much. It shouldn't be that far from were we are. I drag my sisters corps to the hole and we hid in there until the sun came up. That night was the longest night of my life. It was also the beginning.

( to be continued....)

Comments

[animewolf16]

It looks like it could be an interesting story but you need to use a variety of sentence structures. You have too many sentences that start out "I" did this or "I" heard that. Talk to an English teacher to get some advice.

[happy100precent]

ok, but it needs more discriptive languege. for example, describe the warmth and color of the blood. describe the sadness going through the character. that would make the story a lot better.