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It's coming back. I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it. It's worse when I'm alone, so I guess I should be around people as much as I can... but I can't always do that.

It's not even supposed to be here. I'm better now. I'm taking all my meds, and this summer is the best I've felt in a long time. But about a week after I moved into the dorms... here it comes again.

The weird part is... in some perverse way, I like it. Not now, not when I'm feeling normal, but when I'm caught up in the midst of it, it starts feeling right, like this is the way I'm supposed to be. I'm scared that one of these times I'm gonna lose control, stop taking my meds and just let it drown me.

But I'm not too scared, because I know I have my mother. She can always see when it has me, and she's dragged me out so many times... I'm eternally grateful for all the help she's given me. I know she loves me, but I can't help feeling like such a burden.

Hope, that's all I need. Hope that this year will be better. Hope that, maybe, this time, I can save myself.