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Yep, for all of you who actually read my journal and look at my profile, I've got a new multimedia up, a music video from Brown Eyed Soul called My Everything. I was watching AZNTV, a channel I get on my TV, although I barely watch.

The first time I watched it, I almost started crying. Now, you might think "oh, what an emo", or "pfft, crying is no deal". For me, crying is a pretty big deal, I don't cry very often. Maybe like, twice or so in a year for a few seconds. And yeah, before you begin, I know of the song "big girls don't cry". ^^;;

Usually, I cry when watching something [multimedia-wise] because it either conveys one of my big fears [losing a loved one] or it happened to me before and I can relate too much. Now, since the MV I put up isn't really about losing a loved one [I'm sure], you can only say that it relates a lot to me. Well, it does.

For all of you who don't know my childhood, I was raised in a house where shouting and broken plates would be the norm, and people would be covered in bruises. Now, I was hit once on accident [or so I think... my memory might have modified itself due to psychological damage over the years], but the main person who would get beat would be my mother. Now, you might be asking "well, what does this have to do with the drunk father and the little kid", but I shall explain in due time.

My relationship with my father was not the best over the years; he'd almost never come home, I'd never know if he was out partying with friends and getting drunk, or if he was on a trip to Korea or some other country. If he did come home, it was usually drunk in a violent stupor. The underline statement would be that I never saw him. When he did see me, it was usually during dinner time where he would always criticize my mother's food. It would always end up in shouting, so I eventually developed a habit to eat fast... but that's aside the point. If he tried talking to me, he'd basically just criticize me and say that I wasn't very smart, I was fat, or not very tall. He'd say it sort of in a joking way, but I eventually began to have a mentality that told me that what he said was true.... again, aside the point.

I'd always wondered what it would be like if I had a functioning family, more or less with a functioning, great dad like what some of my friends have. My relationships with men are hard for me to obtain, and for most of my life, I hadn't been able to look men in the eye, much less converse with them. I never really had a father figure, or a male figure in my life, so it was hard for me to "get along" with them.

The MV, in my mind, portrayed me as a younger person, always trying to think "what if he got better". In the MV, when the little girl shows the father the picture of her and him on a boat, it breaks my heart. She wanted what I had always yearned for.

Be careful of what you do to others who look up to you; it might hurt you in the end.